When Your Brother Chooses to Be Gay

Dear Bro Jo,

I love your blog and enjoy reading all the advice you give on a variety of subjects. I have written to you once before and it helped me out a lot. But now, I'm writing to you about an entire different matter.

My brother and I are the only two children so we have a good bond. He has always been helpful throughout my life whether it be on school to fashion advice. I always looked up to him as a role model. But then, a realization hit me hard.

My brother is gay. I don't know if he ever told my parents and he has never confessed it to me. But, he does not bother to hide the fact. He lives with his boyfriend and his Facebook page admits it all. I didn't realize he was gay until about 4 years ago. At the time, I had no idea how to handle it. But I realized that even though I didn't necessarily accept that he was gay, he's my brother and I love him.

Some quick (random) facts about him:
-He's 15 years older than me
-We're half-siblings, same dad, different mothers. Doesn't make him any less my brother.
-He is living quite well as a lawyer
-As far as I know, never encountered any abuse from any members of my family.

I agree completely with the Church's view on homosexuality. But now, with my own brother, I have no idea how my views on the topic should be.

He also took his name off the Church members list. I never accepted that fact either. He revealed to me that he didn't plan on telling my Dad either. (My mom isn't a member and wouldn't feel too much grief from it, which is another situation for another time).

Every time he visits, we always hang out. We go to the movies, go out to eat, go shopping, etc etc etc. But it's so weird to think that whenever I spot a good-looking guy, he's noticing him too. One time, we were eating at a restaurant and out waiter was definitely 'out-of-the-closet'. He and my brother started flirting. I did nothing but just sit there quietly and pretend to be really interested in my potatoes.

I still love my brother and he is still a role model to me. But I don't know if I could ever accept him truly for his homosexuality. I remember being about 6 and I had never been a flower girl in a wedding. He promised me that whenever he got married, I'd be the one sprinkling flowers down the isle, no matter what age. Now, I don't know, if he ever married his boyfriend, if I could even go to his wedding because of my views on the matter. I have never shown my brother any harsh feelings and could never think of shunning him. I plan to always have him be included in my life. But will my views get in the way of accepting him fully?
I have never discussed this with my parents because I still don't know if they know about him.

How can I accept my brother for who he is?

Sincerely,

Flying with the Right-Wing


Dear Flying -

Start by realizing that it's not your job to accept or reject your brother; it's your job to love him.

(It's also not your job to "out" him to your parents.  If he was in danger - and I'll admit that his life-style choice IS dangerous, but it's not as if he's a minor living at home and doing drugs - then it would be best to encourage him to speak first, then to speak up if he refused.  Likewise, you should encourage him to talk to your parents, but understand that he's an adult and needs to choose for himself.)

We don't love everything about everyone we know (as awesome as Sister Jo and I both are, I promise that we each do things that irritate the other, sometimes we irritate each other daily); we love the person, not necessarily everything they do.

But you ARE right; there is a line. At some point failure to make our opinions and feelings known can at best be seen as an endorsement of the behavior (or choice), and our acquiescence can lead to the other person hurting us and themselves.

If my child commits a crime, should I turn him in? For me the answer is "yes, but only if he's unwilling to do the right thing on his own". Is it fair to compare your brother's homosexuality with a crime? For you it may just be. Just as he has his agency, so do you.

You can't tell your brother what to do, and you probably shouldn't offer your unsolicited opinion unless he asks, or makes you feel uncomfortable.

For example, after the waiter left, it would have been OK to say "Hey, brother, that made me pretty uncomfortable." I would expect him to be defensive, perhaps even lecture you about love and acceptance; just sit and listen respectfully.

When he's done you can counter with: "Just because I love you doesn't mean that I have to like everything you do, nor does it give you the right to belittle me about how I feel. I told you how I feel, you told me how you feel, I want you to stay a part of my life, and I hope you want that, too. On this one we're just going to have to agree to disagree, but I need you to know that you're doing somethings that I feel are wrong. I tell you that because I love you, and I hope you love me enough to understand."

Hopefully he'll realize that in the same way he expects to be accepted by you for who he has chosen to be that he must, in all fairness, accept you for whom you've chosen to be.

If he doesn't, if he gives you the "all of me or none of me" ultimatum, again that's his choice. Recognize that type of intolerant bullying for what it is, and pray that he changes his mind.

But always love him.

To elaborate along those lines, Sister Jo and I have a few non-LDS relatives who have live-in relationships (the fastest way to guarantee that the relationship will end in disaster, by the way, is living together). We love them and the person they're involved with, but we don't allow non-married couples to sleep in the same room in our home. When they come to visit they either need to sleep separately or somewhere else. Our children need to see our consistency when it comes to upholding our standards. In the same regard, we never allow alcohol in our home, even if someone brings it with them for an occasion.

Our house. Our rules.

It's one of the Great and Wonderful things about having your own place.

Good luck with your brother; don't forget that he too is a Child of God, and deserves to be loved and treated as such.

- Bro Jo