Becoming a Good Wife and Mother

Dear Bro Jo,

I have been reading your blog for a few months now, and hearing about you and your beautiful family has got me wondering about my own future family.

For a while now, I've been thinking about what I want to do in the next ten years or so. Questions like, do I want to go on a mission, or should college be a priority?

At what age should I start looking for a husband? That last one really got me thinking about how little I know about marriage and a family. My parents got married at a young age (my mom was eighteen). My father had been raised in the church, but my mom had stopped going to Catholic church when she was ten. They didn't get married in the temple and my mom did not want children.

A few years later, however, she changed her mind on the one condition that she wanted her children to know god. She didn't care what church they joined, but thank goodness my father did. A little while before my brother was born, she got baptized and they got sealed in the temple. Fast forward a few years to when I was five. At about this point, they realized thatthey had been married too young and didn't love each other, and parted ways peacefully and joyfully; no lawyers, no fighting, just simple divorce.

So now I've grown up a little more, and I wonder what my family will be like. Actually, I don't wonder, I'm terrified. I don't know how the 99% of my family that is not in the church (including my stepmom, whom I love very much) will deal with not being able to see my real wedding.

And how do I know if the man I love is really the man I love, or if a few years down the road we'll decide we don't love each other anymore? And the scariest thought of all, the one that keeps me up at night, is that I don't know how to raise a family. I have maybe done two family home evenings in my entire life. I don't teach things very well. My mom hasn't been the best example to me.

For that matter, how can I be a good partner to my husband if I don't know his job? Now don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my parents, but I have never had a father's blessing, and the only priesthood holder in my house is my seventeen year old brother.

So my question for you is this: How the heck am I supposed to be a good mother and wife???

- No Name



Dear Little Sister,

You already have one of the most important qualities, one that can't be taught, and that's Desire. With out Desire you'll settle for mediocrity.

Parents aren't perfect. Yours weren't, mine weren't, I'm not, and you won't be either.

Part of that is because "parenthood" is one of the very few things on that list of stuff for which no book, class, lecture, or similar experience can possibly tell you what it's really going to be like; you have to live it to know.

(Marriage is one of those things on that list, too.)

Still, we can prepare.

We're commanded to honor our mother and father, which we absolutely need to do, but we can also learn from their mistakes. You're gaining a testimony of having the Priesthood in your home and the value of Family Home Evening; I can add to that my testimony of Family Prayer, Family Scripture Study, Attending Church Meetings Regularly Together as a Family and Regular Temple Service. So live your life in such a way as to get there.

Have you ever heard the advice that you should write your own obituary or epitaph and then live your life towards that goal? When you've moved beyond this life to the next, what do you hope people will say about you? (It's kind of like Dicken's "Christmas Carol" . . .)

I'd like people to say "He honored his family and his priesthood, he worked hard and tried to help others", so everything I do needs to lead to that. (Or at least it's supposed to . . .)

Fortunately you still have a lot of time before you're married and mothering. Sure, it will go by quickly, but when the time finally does come, and it will, you'll do like the rest of us: pray often for help, follow in faith, repent regularly, and learn as you go.

For now: relax, observe, and be good. Strive to be the type of woman that the type of guy (worthy, hardworking, loyal, honest . . .) will want to marry.

The first ingredient is Desire.

The Second is Hard Work.

And the Third is Faith.


- Bro Jo