Dear Bro Jo,
I've written to you before, and I feel kind of bad about bothering you a second time. I've been debating with myself for a while, but here I am.
At a January YM/YW activity, I met a boy who has lived on my street all our lives, but converted (alone) about a year and a half ago. I'd never known him before, since his family has always kept to themselves, and after he started coming to church I guess our paths just never crossed. But since the January activity, we've grown very close. We walk home from church together and I see him increasingly often on weekdays - and we almost always end up spending 2-4 hours talking. I don't know where the time goes. I enjoy it while we're together, but when I go home and realize how much time I've spent with him, I feel so guilty.
This would all be fine and wonderful if we were YSA, right? But I'm 16 and and still in high school, and he's 18 and leaving on his mission in the summer. My family and I have been helping him with his mission papers - he just got a miraculous "ok" from his dad to cover the finances (the day after I prayed long and hard for his parents' hearts to be softened), and my dad has instructed me to take his mission pictures today so he can send everything in. I'm planning on writing him because he needs all the support he can get.
It's obvious we have feelings for each other, but we don't talk about it or hint at it. We only spend time together in public places and my parents are always aware of it. We keep our distance physically, but (at least on my part) it's getting more and more difficult. I have trust issues due to past life experiences, but I'm beginning to actually trust him... quite a lot. I'm not bold enough to admit the L-word to myself, but I guess it's probably moving that way.
However, I believe in neither high school relationships nor trans-mission relationships. I don't want things to become romantic, but I'm getting more and more attached to him, and I sense the same changes coming from him. I feel like it's becoming inevitable and that scares me. I'm so confused and I don't know if I'm doing right - and (short of chastity) what even is right in this situation.
I guess this could all boil down to two questions: 1) Is there anything in my conduct towards him that I should change? and 2) What is the line that I/we shouldn't cross before he leaves?
Thanks, Bro Jo. I hope I made sense; if you're confused about anything, just let me know. Have a great day!
- I can't think of a witty name, so you're free to. :)
Dear Little Sister,
So long as you don't put yourselves in situations where the temptation and opportunity to get too physical is high; and so long (as you wisely realize would be a problem) there are no commitments made or implied, I think you're fine.
He sounds like a nice guy, and I'm glad things are going so well for him spiritually (very exciting times). Unless you're doing stuff you shouldn't, or spending time together is keeping you from doing things you should (like homework, Church stuff, things with family, or going on Casual Group Dates with a bunch of different guys) I don't think you should feel guilty about the time you spend together.
The line is between Casual Group Dating and Serious Dating, and you shouldn't cross it.
If you're asking how far you can go . . . can you hold his hand? can you kiss him? . . . well I suggest you check out "Bro Jo's KISSING APPROPRIATENESS" and my column "Is French Kissing OK?"
- Bro Jo
PS - you write as often as you need
This comment probably won't be a ton helpful advice-wise, but for some reason I liked this letter and decided to put in my two cents.
ReplyDeleteI'm older than you, but only by a year or so. When I read this, I put myself in the situation. (Why? I still don't know. But maybe I'll say something that reassures you or something.)
A good girlfriend of mine is currently trying to decide whether to wear a promise ring from a missionary about to enter the field. She came and talked to me about it, after talking to her parents, and I was actually able to whip out some Bro Jo wisdom... :]
I'll tell you what I told her.
This guy sounds like a great guy. I'm sure you think so, too. There's no reason to scratch him out of your life or to feel guilty about spending time with him. (Well, so long as you're not doing anything you shouldn't be, and like Bro Jo said, time with him isn't taking you away from other important things.)
So be friends! Write him on his mission!
I wouldn't advise doing anything physical- hand holding, kissing, even hugging that's too..uh..romantic. Because once you hold hands one time, the temptation is going to compound by about one million percent. Actually, I wouldn't advise discussing your feelings, either. I had a best friend for a couple of years that I grew very close to, and we wound up in your shoes, and once we admitted to having feelings for each other...there was just no going back to friendship. It was nice for a while, but surprisingly, we lost the best friend relationship slowly, and we don't really even talk anymore.
So, as a third party observer, with vision a little clearer than yours (since it's not clouded with the L-word): If I were you, I'd most certainly keep things on the friend level. I would also date lots of young men- on fun, casual dates with no strings attached. And I'd write this missionary, dad gummit! Keep the letters appropriate- support him, you know? And I'll bet his responses will be really neat to read.
Keep your heart and mind open to other men while he's gone. IF you're single when he comes back, try it then.
Sorry for the ridiculously long comment!