How to Compliment a Woman

Dear Bro Jo,

I have a question about compliments, specifically compliments about a girl's appearance. I know these are supposed to be specific, sincere, and casual but that's where it gets tricky. A specific compliment regarding appearance could only be about a girl's outfit, which isn't really the girl herself, or her body which tends to be a touchy subject (no pun intended). There are some features that work well like eyes or smile but unless I notice a feature in particular, it won't be sincere, and I don't always notice the said things the most.

(Don't take me wrong; I don't want to say anything crude.)

Above all the final factor--the smooth delivery--probably shouldn't involve too much analysis (I guess it's too late for that). What are some other good complements that are easy to deliver (and maybe a few only for the brave and intelligent)?

And what are some good guidelines for delivery?

Sincerely,

Dave



Dear Dave,

This is such a great letter, I hope you'll forgive me for stewing about it for so long.

If there's a club for guys who've messed up compliments I, my friend, am the chairman of the board.

First let me share with you a few of my train wrecks:

Example #1: Wanting to acknowledge that one of my seminary students was wearing new rubber sandals with a ridiculously high 4" sole, I said "hey, nice thongs" as she and another female student walked by. Because of the sandal piece that goes between the toes, I guess, that's what we called Flip-flops when I was in High School. I had no idea (honestly!) that I was making a skimpy-underwear reference. I didn't see their underwear . . . I wasn't looking at their underwear . . . but the whole fiasco was compounded by the fact that, much to my horror as I was trying to explain myself, that the girls were indeed wearing skimpy underwear. (Who knew?!?)

Example #2: Ever compliment a woman on a change in her appearance that she HASN'T made? It's worse when it's your wife and you're supposed to be noticing her every day. I've messed up "hey, you changed your hair color" when she didn't, and missed it when she did; thrown out a "you smell great" when she had just put on some lotion that my mom handed to her; and even done the "wait to long to respond" when asked if a particular item makes her "look fat" - I didn't think she looked too heavy, my mind had wandered and I got caught.



Now, that said, I don't know that I agree that a compliment need be specific or casual. Sincere, yes, but the other two . . . I'm not so sure.

I think it depends on the purpose. A compliment about a person's appearance, if sincere, should be delivered with the intent to uplift the one being complimented, but because they can also be used as a come on you're right, you've got to be careful.

(Related tangent: when I compliment Sister Jo it's always sincere, admittedly often biased, and with the hope of lifting her spirits, but if a well placed compliment to her earns me some . . . affection, well then I say GOOD FOR ME!)

So, with the idea of being careful I tend to do exactly what you said when I'm complimenting a female (of any age) that's not my wife; I compliment the dress, not her body, or I give a general compliment and, just like you said, I try to keep it casual, and maybe even interject some humor.

I'll say things like:

"That's a very pretty dress" or "Well, you sure clean up nice!" or "Alright, since you've gone to all that trouble to get fancied up, why don't you twirl around once so I can say how great you look".

If you can keep the tone one of an older brother or father-type, you can say "wow, you sure look nice; you're going to make all the boys cry".

One thing that can help with the delivery is to look the person in the Eye when giving the compliment (there's a scene in a movie about dating where the main character is advising guys about where NOT to look when talking to a girl . . . I'll be you've seen it). And smile a little; it takes a lot of skill to be dead serious, look a girl in the eye, and tell her she's "exquisite looking" - a Good Guy needs the Spirit to pull that off - so smile and save the deep and serious compliments for your fiancé or wife.

I just realized that I need to clarify something in that last paragraph: notice that I wrote "Eye" not "Eyes" - that's on purpose.

It's a trick I learned in Television Acting Classes (long story that I'll have to tell later). In real life when we're looking at someone in the eyes we have a tendency to "bounce back and forth" between eyes, sometimes quite frequently. If you do that on camera you look like a maniac, so our teacher taught us to pick the eye closest to the camera and focus on just that one. It makes your gaze look more intense and less crazy. Well . . . I tried it on a few dates and, at the risk of giving away too many secrets, it works like a charm.

So, fellas, when you're checking her out, pick just one eye and focus on that.

WARNING! Don't do the "one eye stare" if you're within kissing distance - at that point you need to go back to looking at both eyes or the maniac look will return.

Finally, let me give you some compliments you can try out on girls you fancy, from novice to expert:

1) That color looks really good on you.
2) I don't think I'm dressed nice enough to be seen with you.
3) So, this is what it feels like to be that guy no one thinks is good looking enough to be with the hot girl.
4) Forgive me, I was just realizing that every other guy in the room wishes it was him talking to you right now instead of me.
5) You have the most beautiful smile.
6) You, my dear, are radiant.
7) Forgive me, please, for staring but when you're looking at something this beautiful you can't bear to look away.


And, while I know we've focused a lot here on appearance, you can never go wrong complimenting a woman's talent, mind or accomplishments. In fact, I'll argue that with most women, especially those that are empirically beautiful, you're better off with these than compliments about the way she looks

And that, my brother, is a fact.

- Bro Jo