[Readers’ Note: So I got both of the letters below from the same person on the same day, EXACTLY four hours apart. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but as I began to ponder separate answers I realized that the two letters really are one, and not just because they’re from the same person, but because they’re asking the same thing. See if you can see what I saw. My response follows.]
Dear Bro Jo,
I have just discovered your advice blog and I think it's awesome!
But I do have a quick question for you:
I'm 16 and will be a senior in high school next year. I have gone on two dates, but I would really like to date more and get to know some guys better. There is a guy in my stake who I am really into and just starting to get to know him. Problem is I don't get to see him that much because he is not in my ward or seminary class, and I am a little afraid that he may be "out of my league." I do have his phone number, but I am not planning on doing anything with it for a long time.
I'm waiting for him to do something.
However, it gets really boring sometimes waiting around for a guy to call you or ask you out. Other dating options are dwindling for me as seniors graduate, and I'm feeling a little left behind in the world of meeting guys and dating. My friend had even stolen a potential prom date from me the other month, and so I missed out on a great prom experience too.
Do I really just have to hang out and wait for something to happen?
~ Bored and Waiting
Dear Bro Jo,
I just have a general question that my friends and I have discussed and wondered about:
If you're not supposed to have a boyfriend as a girl in high school, but you have been dating someone who you really like who likes you too, how do you not end up being some sort of couple?
It seems like you have to almost ignore this and be like "Oh I can date you every third date, but we can't really be all "couple-y", which really bothers me. I mean, can't you have some sort of boyfriend with some kisses here or there?
Or have to pass saying, "I'm just going to have to leave you now for a while to get a couple of other dates cranked out"?
Just really confused on that, since you say that boyfriends in high school are a no, but some sweet innocent kisses are ok if you've dated the person long enough and if they are comfortable with that.
But if you kiss, doesn't that mean that you and that significant other would become a boyfriend/girlfriend thing? And then going on other dates with other people while sharing a kiss every so often with that other person that you really like.... that seems... conflicting.
Confused
Dear Confused, Bored and Waiting,
First of all, thank you for the kind words, and welcome to the craziness!
I’ve chosen to answer both of your letters at the same time because I see a common thread that binds them.
What you’re asking is what is probably at the core of 90% of the letters I get from girls your age, and that is: you want to be a “good girl” and do what’s right and expected, but you also long for the comfort and self assurance that you believe a relationship will give you; plus, let’s not lie, you’d like to be smooched . . . at least a little bit, so how can you reconcile all of that?!?
Out of that have grown all of your questions:
1) How do you get to know this guy you like better that you don’t see as often as you’d like?
2) What can you do instead of just waiting around hoping he’ll notice you that won’t make you seem to anxious or aggressive and perhaps turn him off?
3) You don’t date as much as you’d like, or even as much as your friends do, and you feel a bit cheated by that; what can you do?
4) Do you have to be in a “relationship” to get kissed, or if you kiss a guy that’s not officially your Boyfriend are you going to be labeled something not nice?
5) What does kissing mean? If you kiss a guy, are you making a commitment? And how is all that kissing going to work if you’re following the dating rules and not going out with just one guy? Won’t there be jealousy? Won’t the kissing wreck the Casual Group Dating thing?
Whew! I hope I got it all.
And . . . the answers are . . .
1) Be sneaky. Show up at places where he is. Ignore him a little when he first sees you. (You’ve got to hook him before you reel him in.) Write him letters (not texts or emails, go “old school”). Use your friends / Wing Men as spies. Convince him to ask you out. It’s called “playing the game” and there’s nothing wrong with it at all.
2) Wait? Who said to wait? Just because you’re not supposed to call him or text him, that doesn’t mean to do nothing. (See #1.) Check out the Facebook Fan Page – many Great Notes there to help you.
3) Again, check out the notes on the Facebook Fan Page, like “Bro Jo’s HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE”.
4) No, you don’t have to be “in a relationship”, but you do have to be careful. For many of us Kissing = Commitment, so don’t go around kissing just anyone. Maybe you let a guy kiss you Good Night at the end of the third date (or the fifth) . . . no one says that those three dates have to be in a row, you know. If the two of you have a little history, no one’s going to say “What a slut! She gave him a quick kiss good night after only five dates! And they’re both only 17, can you believe the audacity!!!!”
5) Well, I wrote a column a while ago about “Kissing Appropriateness”, you may want to search the letters marked “PDA” for it. There’s a section of it that’s one of the Notes on the Facebook Fan Page titled the same thing. I revise it from time to time, but it’s worth checking out. Yes, once you introduce physicality into a relationship, everything does change. It doesn’t have to wreck the “Casual Group Dating thing”, but the more involved two people get, especially at a Young Age (like where you are now) the more complicated everything gets. That’s why I caution against the whole Boyfriend-Girlfriend thing before adulthood; who needs that much complication at that time in your life?
Look, some people will get kissed in High School. Some won’t. It doesn’t necessarily mean that anyone is more attractive than anyone else. As I’ve said many, many times, often the prettiest, sweetest, best looking girls don’t see a lot of “action”, dating OR kissing, until later in life. And Very Often some of the Best Girls aren’t appreciated until they’re married.
True story.
There’s one more Note you may want to look at. It’s Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a BOY'S ATTENTION" , perhaps you and your friends should start there.
Let me know how it goes,
- Bro Jo
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