Forgive and Forget

Dear Bro Jo,

Alright. I need suggestions on how to forgive my dad.

The story: My parents got divorced when I was 9 (it's been 9 years), and I only recently asked my mom why. It turns out that my father had an affair or more than one. One time he went to see another woman when my brother was in the HOSPITAL! He was slightly abusive, and would yell at me and my siblings for very minor things. From what it sounds like, he had (maybe still has) a porn addiction. He was a convert around the time he met my mom, but obviously that didn't stick.

Deep down, I've known all along he's done crap like that. I've been angry and disappointed with him for so long, and I don't know what to do. I want to forgive him, but I don't feel like I can.
Help, please?!

-Can't Forgive?


Dear Can't,

Well . . . let's talk about it a little bit.

What is it you think needs to happen and why?

Has he asked for your forgiveness?

What do you want? What are you hoping will happen?

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

Hm... I just want to not be ticked at him and... I don't know. I'm just trying to fix my problems, and that seems to be one of them. He doesn't know that I know about most of the things, so he hasn't asked.
I just want to be at peace with the whole father thing. It kinda feels like since he wasn't really there for most of my life, I don't want him to be part of the rest of my life. It's like I almost want to give up on him. It sucks growing up feeling like you don't really have a father even when he's still alive. I just want to work it out with myself so it doesn't make me feel like crud or like I missed out on so much.
I don't really know how to put it in words, and this probably doesn't make much sense to you but hopefully you'll understand some of it.

I know I probably shouildn't dwell on it, but I sometimes wonder how it would have been if he had been a good mormon dad. It would be nice to know that I'd see him in heaven, but I doubt I will.

Sorry for rambling. I really doubt that made any sense or helped.

- Can't


Dear Can't,

It's OK to ramble . . . not that I think you did.

I think one of the things Heavenly Father has sent us here to learn is that there are things we can change and things we can't. You had a dad who did some hurtful things (remember that there are two sides to every story and, especially in a divorce, no one is without blame), and he was wrong to do them. But they can't be undone.

So we just have to learn to live with them.

Even in our darkest moments there are still things for which we can be grateful. I know a guy that keeps a list of the small and simple things for which he is grateful on an index card in his wallet. In moments of despair and woe he takes it out, reads it, and offers up a prayer of gratitude.

It has things on it like "children laughing, the smell of freshly cut grass, the taste of fresh water, being hugged by a loved one, taking the time to ponder", the names of a few people, some favorite books, and other uplifting notions.

I feel sorry for your dad. He's lost many years not knowing you and the wonderful person that you are.

Not all problems can be fixed. Certainly not by you or I.

But all things can, are, and will be fixed by God.

It's up to us to have faith and endure.

Don't give up on your dad. Pray for him, and for yourself, that you may both learn from the mistakes that have been made.

Perhaps he'll see the light.

Perhaps you'll be inspired to take the first step that closes the gap between you.

Perhaps you'll consider this part of your life as you ponder whom to marry and how to raise your own children.

It's OK that the past bothers you, it's not OK to obsess about it or let it ruin your life.

Whatever happens, you'll always be entitled to the joy in your life that comes from the knowledge that, Good Dad or Bad Dad, Heavenly Father's Love is Eternal.

- Bro Jo