The Unintentional Flirt

Dear Bro Jo,

Let me say how much I enjoy your blog. It helps me in so many ways. My parents hardly talk about dating to me- only to mention not to be- and your blog helps me so much at what to expect and how to react in situations I may one day be in.

I am 15 year old Mormon girl, and soooo excited to be sixteen soon! I will be able to drive and date!. Recently I'm finding myself in a predicament that I thought you may be able to help me with. I hope so. It’s kind of similar to the accidental flirt post you did back in August.

First off, let me tell you that I am the youngest of all my friends. I do not turn sixteen until June, while my friends have been sixteen for awhile or are turning sixteen by February. As you can see I am behind. We do alot of hanging out -this includes boys- in fun, good ways (btw were all lds). Like parties at one of our houses, dances, hanging out at the park, watching movies at someone’s house, ect... Some of my friends pair off but for the most part it’s just a whole bunch of us hanging out casually. There are always new people joining us and I'm interested in getting to know them. I think I am just being polite, but it always seems that while getting to know the guys they take an interest in me, and I get a new admirer. Of course I don’t mind this. What I do mind is everyone’s opinion of this. I am getting the reputation of being a big flirt! My intentions are not to flirt, but to get to know the new additions to our group activities.

I’ve tried going on a boyfast- where I’m polite, but I don’t initiate too much of a conversation with these boys, but then I come off as stuck up! I’m not sure what’s worse- being stuck up or a big flirt!

Why is it that when I am being friendly to boys, it comes off as flirting? I just want friends right now, because I can’t date until June. Then there’s your post that boys and girls cannot be just friends. So should I just give up on making new boy friends (not boyfriends)? Though, like I mentioned before, when I tried this I came off as being stuck up.

‘Course I’m not saying I don’t flirt, because sometimes I do when I’m attracted to one of these boys, but its not all the time. Its just that I seem to be seen as flirting even when I’m not when I’m getting to know a new guy. I hope you have some advice for me, because you seem to have quite a lot of fantastic advice for others!

-Unintentional flirt



Dear Flirt,

You know, I don't think flirting is such an awful thing . . . but I understand that if you're a girl who's just trying to be nice it can be very frustrating when people read things into what you do and say that you have no intention of being taken in that way.

Here are some Facts of Life for you:

- Boys will often imagine or exaggerate attention from girls because they're hoping for something that may or may not be true
- Sometimes it's flirting because you're flirting, sometimes it's flirting because other people want it to be flirting
- Guys can't be "just close friends" with girls

(Okay, I know you know that last one, but it needed repeating.)

Look, I think you should just be yourself. Worry a little less about what others think, and focus a little more on being who you are. Sure, be careful not to give the wrong impression; try to get a sense for the things you do that are interpreted as flirting and the things that are seen as you intend. Maybe a good and trusted friend can help you by cluing you in to how what you do is being taken.

But if you're a naturally nice, outgoing person, by all means don't turn that off just because it's something boys like about you. Heck, there's nothing wrong with lots of boys thinking you're great!

- Bro Jo


PS: You may want to check out and participate in our Facebook Discussion "Flirting or Not?"