Age Differences: 18 and 27

Dear Bro Jo,

I turned 18 in July. I have finished my freshman year of college (I started college early), and I'll be moving out in two months. When I was attending college, I dated quite a bit. I went out with several returned missionaries. They were great, and I always had fun. I've dated guys that are between 21-25. I've always been mature and I was going to school and acting like an adult, so it didn't feel weird or unnatural. In fact, I find it easier to talk to people older than I am, rather than people my age.

Now, a few weeks ago I met a great guy while spending the day in a town about 100 mi away. We spent a day together with some other friends. It was super fun, and the next weekend he made a 2 hour drive to come up and take me on a date. It was awesome. We get along great. We both have strong testimonies. He served a mission. We both love our families. No pressure; we just got to know each other better. We've had some long phone conversations, but not all the time.

So what's the big deal? Well. He's 27. It doesn't really bother me that he's older than I am, but he's graduated from college and is looking into a career and marriage. I'm a sophomore in college, and still a bit inexperienced. Do you see a potential problem? Right now, we're very open with our friendship. Neither of us wants to rush into any relationship, but we have talked about possibly moving into a more serious relationship eventually. I feel good about it, but the age difference is on my mind. What are your thoughts?

Sincerely,

- Eighteen


Dear Eighteen,

Well . . . let me start by asking you "why is the age difference on your mind?"

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Because I think we might be at different stages of life, and my mom thinks it's weird. And he's done a lot of stuff. He's visited many countries, speaks a few languages, has a Master's etc. I find that fact a little intimidating, even though his personality isn't intimidating at all.


Dear Eighteen,

Have you kissed him?

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Nope. I don't kiss on first dates. And not on second dates. Or third dates. I call it my "No Party Favors Policy". :) On our date, he put his arm around me and we kind of held hands for a minute. Mostly because we were outside watching our friend run a race and it was freezing cold.

And I gave him a hug at the end of the date. That was it.

- Eighteen



Dear Bro Jo,

Not to put you on the spot, but it does help to clarify some things. (Nice policy, by the way.)

See, I'm not sure that you're at the point of concern yet. (I might need some clarification on your "first date"; so, essentially, your first date with this guy was going to watch a friend race, during which you held hands a little and hugged at the end of the date; is that right? And did he drive up to take you on a date, or two see your friend race and thought it might be fun to take you along? Was it his friend or yours? I can't picture an 18-year old and 29-year old having many mutual friends . . . Did he buy you something to eat? Did you do anything else? Was it a date or flirting with an older guy that took you to an event?)

It doesn't seem to me like the two of you are "courting", or necessarily even "dating". You mentioned that you're not serious at this point, and other that some verbalized curiosity, I'm not sure if you will be. You're young, he lives far away. . . maybe . . . but maybe not.

More to your question: if something does materialize, do I think the nine years is a problem?

Not to be noncommittal, but I see it as something that could possibly be a problem, but isn't yet. (Does that make sense?) Nine years at your age IS a big leap. Like you said, the two of you have very different life experiences.

Can it work? Sure. But the dude graduated high school when you were in the 4th grade; you're barely an adult and he's been one for ten years. that's got to effect how much the two of you do (or don't) have in common; what you have to talk about. When it comes to life experience, unless he's phenomenally immature (perhaps that's something your mom sees), then it will be very difficult for the two of you to relate. I know, I know, you're extra-mature and he's youthful, but still . . .

I think you're right to be cautious at this point. Remember, you're the one that said that the age difference is on your mind; that means on some level you're a little concerned, and I think that's wise. Take it slow. Keep dating other people. Let's see what happens.

Like I said, it IS a big gap given your current ages, but let's wait and see. It just seems really early to tell if it's an issue.

I'm not saying "don't", I'm saying "it's unlikely" and "be aware".

Keep me posted,

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks, that does help!

A couple things I wasn't clear on (sorry about that): His cousin is one of my good friends- we met through her-I went down with her when she visited family. Then, we watched her race when he came up. It was one of a few other things we did, including him taking me to lunch. It was a date, but we did spend some time hanging out with his cousin/my friend. He did drive up to take me out.

We're definitely not courting. We've talked about how we'd be fine with going on dates with other people. Maybe nothing will come of it, but I hope something does. He's a very wonderful guy. Even if it never comes to marriage (which it may not), I'd love to date him just to learn and get to know someone awesome.

If it does materialize, I don't see any problems. I met his family and love them. He met most of my family. I'm close friends with his cousin, who thinks the world of both of us. The problem I see is if we get married and he dies and I'm left alone for years. I mean, I'm fairly independent. I've been working since I was 15. I bought my own car. I worked my tail off to get a 4.0 so I could get a scholarship and avoid debt. I'm smart, and I can see the Big Picture. So immediate logistic problems? Nothing big.

I think what you mentioned is what may be bugging me. Simply that we've had different life experience. And he's for sure youthful- not immature. But simply the fact that I'm trying to find ways to make it feel totally normal for us to date, is a flag for me. So I'm being careful.

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it. Slow is the way to go.

-Eighteen


Dear Eighteen,

If you'll let me add a note: don't make marriage decisions based on life expectancy. Ultimately the time we have here is not only finite, it's just a blink in the grand eternal perspective. Being sealed for Time and All Eternity to a wonderful person whom you love and who loves you is worth doing even if your time together here is only one day.

Few people want to grow old alone, but there's no way to predict how much time on this planet two people will have together. Plan for eternity, and let life happen.

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Haha, I guess I should think of it more that way. I like to think that I'm a Big Picture person, but I guess I wasn't thinking quite big enough. Well, thanks for the thoughts. You're a great help.

-18