Dear Bro Jo,
I have a question concerning something that happened with my friend.
Today my brother proposed to his girlfriend, and is now engaged. I texted a few of my clothes friends to let them know because that's kind of big news. One of my absolute closest friends texted me back saying "-name withheld- (my brothers now fiancé) is an idiot”.
I thought she was saying this because my brother and fiancé are only twenty, and my friend is against getting married young. She is always talking about how people who get married young are stupid and how it makes her sick, etc. (I don't necessarily agree, but that's her opinion so I usually respect it). So I responded "even f that's true you don't even know her. You're just prejudice against anyone that get married young. You know some of them do actually know what they are doing better than people a lot older than them." I wasn't trying to be inflammatory, but admittedly I was a bit offended she had called my friend and future sister-in- law an idiot. I tried to just blow it off though.
Then she sent me this "It's not about being too young, would you marry someone like that? Because I thought you had higher standards for your eternal happiness than that." I was shocked because I wasn't expecting that at all. I didn't want to cause drama, but my brother is my family and I was going to stick up for him so I replied "ya I would marry someone like my brother." and left it at that, and my friend hasn't responded. I was very hurt by what she said. He's my brother. If she had said something about me, fine, but not my brother.
I have stuck up for her family so many times, and just can't believe she would say that. I would never have done that to her.
My friend has many amazing qualities, but one thing that I've had to overlook to be her friend is that she can be very judgmental of people. In some ways she has lived a very charmed life. (ex: once during a church lesson we were talking about trials and our teacher asked her "what are some of your trials." she responded "I don't have any. I guess I'm just very blessed.").
She sees everything in black and white, and in all our years of friendship I have never heard her say she was wrong. Which is part of my dilemma. I don't know how to react to this because I don't want to cause drama, but at the same time I am not going to let her talk about my family like that. I doubt she thinks she has done anything wrong, and I just don't know how to react to what she did without making things worse. I don't want to lose my best friend, and am not the kind of person to throw away a friendship over one thing, but at the same time if she can't apologize for insulting my family as while as attacking my standards, I don't know if that's someone I want as a friend. I don't want to lose my friend, but I also won't be another person's door mat.
What should I do? (oh ya we are kinda a pair of three. Me, her, and another girl are all best friends, and I don't want my other friend to feel like she has to be in the middle. I also am friends with this girls whole family (they are in many ways like a second family to me), and I don't want to lose that either.)
Please help me do the right thing. I just want to do the right thing.
- Worried
Dear Worried,
If you don't want to lose your friend you do the only thing you can do: let it go.
- Bro Jo
Excellent advice. But, to my understanding, she wasn't calling the brother an idiot, she was calling his fiance an idiot. Either way, sometimes you just have to learn to let it go.
ReplyDeleteI have a best friend who sounds EXACTLY like this girl. I actually have 2 best friends (group of 3 kinda thing also). My friend is very confident and hasn't had very many trials or problems. Things just come somewhat easier to her as well. She is very judgmental...as of lately she is judgmental with me and the guys that I date...this can make problems arise. It's almost like a possessive thing though. She doesn't hold back sometimes. It's difficult because she is so so picky about people. But she has no room to talk. The over-critical are usually just as critical towards themselves. I think with your friend, she might be like jealous of them getting married...regardless of what she says about young marriage thing or whatever...The best thing to do with people like her is just don't take what they say too seriously. They usually contradict themselves, because they come across as perfect but they don't practice what they preach in actuality. So they are always changing so they can always be "right". Let them think that and laugh about it later. They are great friends and are very loyal, don't expect her to apologize though because she probably won't. If you act like you don't care and brush it off, she will probably say something later along the lines of how she felt bad about what she said. haha it's kind of funny how you say that about getting married young because my friend doesn't think very highly of marriage at a young age. Just let her be right haha that's probably the best thing you can do. She isn't going to admit she is wrong unless you act like it's not a big deal. Our group of three works really well together and we have a lot of fun, but most of the drama is caused by this girl! I love her to death but oh wow, she is difficult! Is your other friend kind of silly and fun and laid back?...I'm kind of the middle man and we all balance each other out. Friends are fun, but all relationships are confusing. I totally understand the black and white thing too! Everything is sooo extreme and she either hates someone or loves them, she is really passionate about things and dedicated but also very critical. I wish I could talk to you about your friend haha cause maybe I could help you, it's a distinct personality!
ReplyDeleteI have had experiances in my life like this as well and have found now that I am older sometimes the best thing to do is let go not only of the situation but of the person. I can be hard to hear but those that are not uplifting us are bringing us down. I have sadly let go of friends I thought I would be friends with through the eternities and have found I am happier without them in my life. Something to think about.
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