Should you tell a future spouse if you've had sex?

Dear Bro Jo,

Okay, so I don't really know how I can put this so I might aswell just be blunt and say it (trust me I'm cringing while I write this). I had sex. I went to my bishop about it a few weeks ago. Before you say it, I know how bad it is, what a bad person I am etc. It's seriously ruined my life and not a day goes by where I don't wish I didn't do it. Anyway, it's been playing on my mind a lot recently, and I just wondered, would the fact that I'd had sex be something that I would have to/should tell my future husband? I just feel so unworthy to marry anyone at all, do you think guys will think the same?

Thanks xox



Dear Little Sister,

By virtue of being a child of God you're a good person; you did something you shouldn't have, you recognize that, and are going through a repentance process, and that's good too. Whether or not sin ruins our lives has a lot to do with what we do about it. Remorse is part of repentance. Remember, the Lord says he won't remember the sin any more, not that we'll forget it. The notion that you'll know you've repented because you won't remember what you've done is a Church myth, not doctrine in any way. It's remorse that helps to keep us from sinning like that again.

Your life isn't ruined. It may feel that way for a while, and that's okay. It IS different, though.

No, you shouldn't have, and now the way you feel is helping you understand why.

Discussing the mistakes we've made in our past needs to be part of the courting process. A potential spouse has the right to know what they're getting, especially if past events effect who we are and how we view life. A future husband, or wife, has the right to know if they're not the first person you've had sex with. (And they have the right to know how many partners, how often, as well as just how far you have gone and with whom - even if it wasn't all the way to sex .)

That doesn't mean you have to wear a scarlet letter or tell everyone you meet or every guy you date. Not at all. In fact, I don't think it should even come up until you're at the point in a relationship where you've started sharing all of your hopes, dreams and secrets. (In "Bro Jo's Guide to Relationships"   I talk about how we don't get to this step until right before we're engaged, which is Level 9 in the "Levels of a Relationship".) Until then, keep it between you, the Bishop, the Lord, and perhaps one or two intimate friends and parents as the Spirit dictates. There's no need for the world to know about your past indiscretions, and that includes your future children.

Dates, especially the first few, are NOT confessionals.

When it finally does come up, could that scare a guy off?

Yeah, it might. You have no control over that, and that's part of why you'll want to save the information until you're in a Serious Relationship. If a guy really is in love with you, if he really does want to marry you, if he really has a testimony of repentance, then he will likely still marry you. It might bother him, and that's fair. You should expect that. But better to start a marriage being open than to keep something this big of a deal a secret.

Share this information with a guy you just started dating and he'll be either be much less likely to stick around or he'll think you're telling him because you'd like to sin again, and you don't want to be thought of in that way.

If the person you're engaged to regards it as very important that they marry a virgin (and there's nothing wrong with that as a criteria) then you may not be the right person for them. Sad . . . but fair.

You're not temple worthy right now, but you can fix that.

And you should.

And you are.

Keep the faith, and keep pressing forward,

- Bro Jo