Hi Brother Jo!
Last I had written to you I was telling you that I was engaged to the most wonderful man I'd ever met and we were planning our wedding. I wish I could still say the same. This letter has some rather personal and difficult situations in it, but I'm sharing because I feel like these things have had a huge impact on everything and what I am going to ask you.
Back in May, before my now-fiancé and I even became boyfriend-girlfriend, he had expressed to me his concern about getting into a relationship when he was trying to get ready for a mission and that he might be leaving in October anyway. I understood that perfectly and so I was content with being a friend and seeing how things went on their own over the next few years. I would write him but I would still live my live as a single woman.
He decided not to pursue the mission, though, and our relationship grew and blossomed wonderfully the more we got to know each other. I later found out that the reason he hadn't gone on a mission yet (he was 22 when I met him, 23 now) was because he was struggling with pornography and he hadn't been able to break the addiction. Throughout the past several months he's been able to get past that. In fact when he proposed to me in October the bishop said that he was on-track and that if he continued to fight the temptations then we would be able to get married in the temple around March. And he's done it!
Except we're not getting married in March. In fact I don't know when we're getting married or even if we'd be getting married at all anymore.
Back in November/December we'd decided to put off the wedding to "find ourselves". I realized rather quickly that I could still do that while being with him and that I'd rather grow as a person with him than without him. Very recently, however, I found out that the idea of a mission has been nagging him again. He says that there is this voice that keeps telling him he should go on a mission and that he can't get that voice to leave him alone. I've gone through a lot of emotional turmoil over this because I love him and if he wants to serve the Lord by going on a mission I want to support him in that, especially since he's worked so hard to be worthy to enter the temple again. At the same time, though, the selfish girl in me is saying "Why did he propose to me if he was just going to run off for two years?"
And actually, last night we broke up. He said that he didn't want me to feel like I was tied down and that he couldn't deal with the knowledge that he was doing that to someone.
Personal Moment: I have a mental health illness and the stress of being broken up with made me, well, crazy. It had triggered the worst manic episode I've ever dealt with and I couldn't stop until he broke down crying saying he couldn't handle it anymore, that he couldn't handle the mental things. (I do have an appointment scheduled with my doctor this week to re-discuss the ways of handling my illness.)
After that happened we decided that we were going to still act like we were engaged and sort of "pretend" that the breaking up didn't happen until I go down to spend a week with him and we'd talk about it again then. He has been taking care of my cat while I've been at school (Oh, yeah! Sorry! I forgot to mention that I have gotten back into college this semester! I've been 6 hrs away from him ever since early January.) and so I was planning on spending most of my spring break (which starts this weekend) down at the farm with him and his family (He lives with his sister and parents.) so that I could see my cat and him again. (Obviously I'll be bringing my homework with me.)
Okay, so this might not be making a whole lot of sense and you're probably wondering what I think you can do to help, but here it is: How should I handle this? The mission and engagement, I mean. We'd already started planning our lives together. Should I let our engagement be broken off so that he can go on a mission? What about our relationship itself? Should I go back to trying to be a friend? If he goes on a mission should I write him?
I'd try to edit my letter more, but I have a night class I have to make the bus for. If you need me to reword things or explain them please let me know. I'm so confused, but I don't know who else to ask for advice. Your take on things has really helped me in the past.
- Faithful, Hurt, and Uncertain
Dear Uncertain,
Promise not to freak out on me, you know I care about you or I wouldn't tell it straight.
I think you need to let him go.
And by that I mean let him all the way go.
He's choosing mission over marriage right now. Or at least that's what he's saying. I'm not entirely convinced that's the truth and, let's face it, he hasn't always been straight with you about his plans or worthiness. Either way he's breaking it off. I know that's awful to hear, but it also sounds like its for the best, for him and you.
Look, I'm sure he's a great guy, and I'm very hopeful that he's gotten his act together and is truly worth and ready to serve the Lord, but whether he is or is just using the mission as an excuse to break things off with you or he's trying to go back and re-do what he did wrong, the bottom line is that he's not at a place where he deserves you yet. Painful as I'm sure the breakup is, it's so much better than the alternative.
What if he never came clean about the porn addiction?
What if he's supposed to serve a mission but didn't go because of you?
What if he only married you because of guilt and feelings of obligation instead of really wanting to be your eternal companion?
What if he's just not ready to be married?
Whatever the reason (and it may be a combination of things), if he's not ready it's so much better for it to get called off. I know there's a lot of pressure on a young woman to get married, from lots of different sources (including people at Church, her family and herself) but marriage mistakes are too common and very difficult to overcome.
Perhaps he'll change his mind, either sometime soon or after the mission. Maybe you'll still be be single when he does, and maybe you won't.
Either way, trust me, it's so much better to find out that the timing is bad for a marriage before it happens than after.
For now, let him go.
If he wants to continue to date you, and if that's acceptable to you (and no one says it should be), then go out. But be careful. I could be wrong (and often am), but I'm a little worried that this great guy isn't as mature as either a missionary or future husband should be. Don't let him use either you or the potential mission as excuses against each other. Keep a healthy "wait and see" emotional, physical, and spiritual detachment from him. If he wants you back, now or later, he needs to earn it. He needs to know that his actions have been hurtful, and that while missionary service can be honorable, he's breaking a commitment to you. That violates a trust, and your trust needs to be earned.
There's nothing wrong with writing him, but no one says you have to. If he does go don't make any promises or commitments. Whether he goes or not, until he or some other, perhaps smarter, man is ready to commit to you, keep dating.
You be in control of you, of your path. Trust in the Lord. Trust in the Spirit. And trust in yourself.
- Bro Jo
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