Dear Readers,
The following is part two of a column I posted on January 7th, 2011, asking if you should tell a future spouse that you've had sex. You can jump to the original column by clicking HERE.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you so much Brother Johnston!
:)
It's been so hard, like I really don't know what to do right now. I feel like it's completely ruined my life and I don't know how I can ever make it better within myself, if that makes sense. My parents aren't members of the church so i know that they wouldn't care that I’ve had sex because they're pretty chilled about that kind of stuff so I know they wouldn't understand what I'm going through.
I understand what you're saying, about the whole being open from the start kind of thing, it's just that the thought of having to tell someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with hurts so much. I know you are probably thinking I got what I deserved (that's what I'm thinking at least), but I just thought after I tried to repent and tell my bishop the hurt would go away but it hasn't?
I just don't feel worthy to marry a member of the Church, I don't think it's fair to him and I feel that someone that has kept themselves worthy to be married in the Temple should be with someone else who has too.
I know it's kind of early to be talking about getting married because I'm only almost 18 but I just can't stop thinking about it.
Thank you so much for listening
(name withheld)
Dear Little Sister,
It's like I tried to tell you: it's supposed to hurt. If we didn't feel bad for doing what we shouldn't have, what would keep us from sinning again?
"Ruined" is a bit over dramatic. For now let's not worry about telling a future husband until you get a boyfriend serious enough to be talking marriage with.
Through the atonement you can become worthy again, and that's what's most important, it's what's glorious and wonderful about the savior and his Gospel. Work towards that. It won't necessarily be easy, but it will be worth it.
I promise.
Repentance is a process; it's not something you necessarily do in a single conversation. Give it time.
I'm always here if you need.
- Bro Jo
The fact that you think that much of a future spouse, that you would want to have been perfect for, shows that you are a wonderful person.
ReplyDeleteRemember how when you repent, God doesn't remember your sins?
Well, to get anywhere in life, you HAVE to trust Him on that. And if a guy can't trust that, you'll want to find someone who can. It's all about trust. You have to hang onto the Savior's hand and let Him carry you to get through.
Please trust Him!
It is so worth it. And you are so worth it. I know it, and so does the Savior.
If this person has confessed to proper authority repented and been made clean and the Lord remembers the sin no more why does this person need to bring up past sins? Wouldn't dwelling on past sins be discounting or doubting repentance and not forgiving one self?
ReplyDeleteObviously it might be useful for the spouse to know about a past addiction to drugs or pornography or fornication but should the pre engagement talk be a confession of all sins?
What doctrinal foundation is this belief based on?
Well I'm not here to preach doctrine, but to give you my opinion on relationships and dating.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think you'll find a lot of scriptural information on honesty.
Having sex with someone who's not your spouse is a really big deal, despite what you see in the movies and on TV, and while I'm not saying that you have to share all of the gory details, and I do agree that many of our stories will be shared with our spouses as life progresses, this particular story is a big enough deal that the person you're going to marry has a right to know.
I haven't said anything about dwelling on past sins; simply ignoring the past doesn't make it go away. The Lord tells us he'll forget them, not that we will.
And I don't know that we're supposed to forget.
The pain you feel, the shame or regret of having to share what you've done wrong with another person, is a part of the process.
A future spouse has the right to know what they're getting, and thus the importance of disclosure.
As we're honest with each other and face our faults, we can grow closer together.
If it bothers you so much, and it's okay that it does, then use that as motivation to not sin.
- Bro Jo
I know this is an old thread. And I don't know if this will be helpful, but I wanted to share my insight on what I think is a very important, and very prevalent topic.
ReplyDeleteI was married about 3 months ago to a wonderful man who treats me with respect and kindness. He was the Elder's Quorum President when we started dating, and one of the things that most attracted me was his commitment to the Lord.
Due to some circumstances of people being gossipy and catty, I learned even before our second date that staying morally clean was very difficult for him. I talked to him about it immediately, and learned that he had to postpone his mission for a year because of a mistake he made with a girl. I decided to still give him a chance, and we set out some very strict rules for dating and physical intimacy. As time went on and we got more serious (and by the way, Bro. Jo, as someone who has seriously dated two wonderful men with a previous addiction to pornography, I 100% agree with the timeline you've given--I would not ever feel comfortable agreeing to marry someone that had issues that would affect us that I didn't know about) I came to learn that he had broken the law of chastity and had sexual relations as well as a previous addiction to pornography.
As much as I had considered this possibility previously, I had no idea exactly how difficult dealing with this would be. There were many prayerful nights, and it wasn't easy. But I loved him, and he was worthy and committed to the gospel and to me. And I finally made the decision that I would trust in the atonement to guide me through those difficult and uncomfortable times. And the Savior has been with me all the way. I'm so glad I married him! The Lord has forgiven Him; so have I. And Little Sister, He'll forgive you and so will your loving spouse when that time comes. I wish you the best--but please don't give up hope of finding someone who will love you and marry you. You're worthiness is based on your daily progress, not just one past act. Your worth is based on being a daughter of God, not one bad decision. I have total faith you'll find someone, as long as you are striving to become the caliber of person you wish to find.
Lastly, sorry for the novel, but one thing I most love about my husband is his understanding of the power of the atonement. He understands it in a way that I don't yet, and if you capitalize on this opportunity to learn that power, it will make you extremely attractive to a man who is looking for a woman that can teach his children about the Savior and God's mercy. I wish you the best!
Beautifully put.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that.
- Bro Jo