Dear Bro Jo,
I'm heading off to BYU-I in the fall but I will be a little different from most of the young women entering. I'm graduating a year early from high school. I'm trying to figure out how this will affect my future. I'll be 17 when I enter college. There are only two young men in my ward and my stakes spreads so far away that dating people in other wards is kind of impossible. The two young men aren't ones I would consider dating. One is dating my non member friend and the others.
Well...not what I'm seeking for.
So I plan to make up the lost dating time at BYU-I. I don't plan on mentioning I'm a year younger then I should be. I don't want to be seen differently or as 'immature' or a snobby smart person. Which, I'm not. I'm just so done with High School. Is not mentioning my age to those I date dishonest?
If an older guy asks me out, post mission would be 23, is that too far of an age stretch?
At this point in time I'd feel strange about dating a 22 yr old and yet, that’s the same difference it will be once I'm at BYU-I.
Also, I have a non member friend who has this crush on me(I know, I know, girls and guys can't be 'just' friends. I disagree with that.) . And, while I don't 'like' him in that way I don't want to lose him as a friend. I'd rather date him then lose him as a friend. Would it be wrong to go on a date with someone that I don't actually like, but don't want to lose? Isn't this devious? And, it's also not really fair to him. He should be liked as much as he likes me.
Thanks!
Ponderous Patty.
Dear Ponderous Patty,
No, I don't think mentioning that you're only 17 when you start dating at BYU-I is critical. If a guy asks I think you should be honest, in fact I think that if he only goes so far as to ask when you're birth day is you may want to consider volunteering that you'll be turning 18 on your next birthday; and I think you need to be prepared for your youth to freak them out. If I was a 23-year old return missionary the revelation that I was on a date with a girl not-yet-an-adult would bring a quick end to an otherwise pleasant evening. In his young 20's an LDS man should be thinking of marriage, and he's likely expecting to marry a woman that's at least 19, at least in the US.
I'm not saying don't date, and I'm not saying wear an "I'm only 17" sign around your neck; I'm just saying that you need to be honest and aware.
Now, regarding your non-member friend, you may not believe that "Men Can't Stay Just Close Friends with Women", but your realization that this guy has a crush on you proves that it's true. You don't believe it because . . . to be candid, you're a 17-year old girl who doesn't understand that men, even young men, don't spend large quantities of close personal friend time with women they're not attracted to, whether the girl feels the same or not (again, as is the case in your situation).
Should you date him just to not lose him as a friend?
Absolutely not! And shame on you!!!
Not only is it devious, it's dishonest. I can't think of a worse thing you could do to this guy.
I don't care how much it boosts your ego to keep a guy in close proximity who's attracted to you, to lead him on simply to gratify your own ego is wrong. And, little sister, based on that information I'm not sure that you're a mature enough 17 to be dating college guys.
That may be harsh, but I care too much about my readers not to give it to them straight.
- Bro Jo
I did the exact same thing. Exact. I was 17 my entire first year at BYU-I. I was nervous too, but it turned out fine. I ended up dating a lot, and loving it. It was just fun casual dating. I had a couple funny first dates when a guy would ask how old I was. "I'm almost 18." "WHAT?!!! I'M 23! IS THIS LEGAL?" yeah.... But it really was fun, and it made for some great stories. Don't stress it. Focus on school, have fun, and let the dating happen.
ReplyDeleteA girl your age without much dating experience should really just focus on the pre-mies when you first get to college rather than targeting the RM's. Pre-mies are low commitment and they can help you figure out what kind of personality traits you appreciate in a guy. Once you've got that figured out, (most likely in a year or two), then you can consider the RM's.
ReplyDeleteListen to this voice of experience. College dating is a whole different ball game from high school. It's the difference between "having a fling" and "finding an ETERNAL companion" It's like comparing little league to the pros. You don't want to enter a professional field until you've at least learned the game. And since you haven't been dating, you haven't even stepped in the field yet. Be a little more patient and leave the RMs alone until you're ready for them. Otherwise, you're going to get hurt.
You're also kind of assuming that the older guys will go for you. It doesn't really work like that around BYU-I. Trust me, you don't have to tell anyone that you're seventeen for them to see it a mile away.
Don't believe me? You know how you felt so cool and mature when you got into middle school and finally left the "kiddie" school. Now that you're in high school look back on the middle schoolers you know. What's your view of them? Do you think they're ready to date? Or are they still kids? See what I mean? To 22+, you're still a kid, a date-able one yes, but still a kid. They won't think otherwise unless you are mature beyond your years or until you at least reach 19 1/2.
Think you can hide it? About as well as a middle school kid can hide in a high school hallway. Age is obvious! It shows in your dress, attitude, and priorities. Some RMs may go for you, but they're certainly not going to start swarming until you grow up a little first.
I'm sounding kind of harsh, but it's true. My mom was like you and went to college when she was 17 and didn't meet dad until after she graduated. And she was hot! Still is, actually, in an old way.
Just be patient. Learn the game. Enjoy being single for a while. They make being single and taken very fun up here. - From a fellow BYU-I student.
I had a friend at BYU-I who came up here when he was 16 years old. Since he was planning on serving a mission, he had the convenient excuse of being able to say that he was a "pre-mi" and being left alone, unlike the assumption that any woman at college is ready for marriage, but I think some of the challenges may be the same.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that he found useful was finding the things that he did have in common. He loved board games, and so he found other students who loved them too, this made making friends easy.
The other thing he found is that everybody was aware of how old he was, because his roommates told, and so everybody was constantly finding the youngest women around for him to ask out.
Did he fit in the way you want to? Not in the strictest sense, but he was himself, he was kind, and a big dweeb, and everyone loved him for it. Don't try and pretend that you're 20 years old, and don't expect the men here to pretend you're 20 either.
As for your comment on friendships between men and women, I think you misunderstand Bro Jo's point. Boys and Girls can BE friends, BUT boys and Girls can't STAY friends, and that's important to remember.
I'm 17 and going to BYU-I this year. I'm so excited! And I agree with Anonymous's comment. I mean, at 17, people shouldn't be looking for their eternal companion. As someone who only went on one date in high school, I'm looking forward to making more guy friends and having a lot of fun dates. I hope Patty can get her perspectives right for her first year of college. Get good grades and have a lot of fun with people more her own age.
ReplyDeleteto tell you the truth, I think that you should be worried if you are 23 and older going into college. Because guys like them young for some reason lol. And If she's 17 she should really just be looking for fun and not be worried about dating. It will happen when it will happen.
ReplyDeleteI don't think she should be too worried about it. I mean, they usually go for the younger girls anyway. she really should be asking this if she was 25 or something. I personally think she should just concentrate on having fun and her education for a few years.
ReplyDelete