The Aggressive Unworthy Girlfriend at the Y of I

Dear Bro Jo,

I am a 26 year old male BYU-Idaho student. I have transferred schools several times, and find myself feeling a little old to still be getting a degree, but because of the rules here I live in a student ward where virtually everyone is younger than I am, and most of the women are significantly younger than I am.

I've never tried to dismiss anyone, but I find that most of the women are at a different stage in life, and while I've gone on dates with them, I've never really dated them.

I try to date mostly returned missionaries because they tend to be older, but most of them seem to take every date way too seriously, to the point of planning weddings if I ask them on a second date.

Recently, I have started dating a beautiful twenty year old I met in class. She was hesitant at first, but has eventually come around, and we are now boyfriend/girlfriend. I respect this woman quite a bit, she is funny, well-grounded, affectionate, smart, perceptive, excellent with people, sweet, and a top notch communicator. I should be head over heels, and sometimes I feel that way.

Now that things have started to get serious (we've been dating almost two months) she has started to really open up to me, and I've begun to learn rather unflattering things about her. The most troubling is that she is not worthy to attend the temple, and while we kiss she is often trying to push the boundaries, never to anything outright inappropriate but often to places that feel uncomfortable, I usually stop her, or say something but she often comes back and wants to do the same thing, and let's be honest it may feel uncomfortable but it also feels so so good.

The other thing that is unsettling is that while we enjoy each other’s' company on dates, when we spend time together that has not been well planned out beforehand we have found very few things to do together that we both enjoy. I am at a point in my life where I am starting to question how effective my earlier dating behaviors were and I wonder if I've been too picky, and if the unsettled feeling I am having is just nerves that I am moving on in my life, but if I'm not being too picky it is also silly to let this relationship go on too long.

I certainly won't be in a place with so many eligible LDS women for long.

Sincerely,

A Maybe Picky Bachelor



Dear Bachelor,

It's my unqualified belief that this girl you're seeing believes that her value is reaffirmed by your physical response. In her mind, if she can sexually excite you then that means she's pretty. That's not entirely untrue; we men tend to find women more attractive if they find us attractive, right?

She may also be thinking that if you "want" her you're more likely to marry her . . .

She could also just be . . . horny.

(The reason she's "unworthy" is also something to give strong consideration. Not every issue is the same, in my opinion. A promiscuous girl, regardless of where she goes to school, is a big red flag.)

You're wise in recognizing the danger signs. If she's not Temple worthy then she's not really BYU-I worthy, either. That means she probably lied in an interview somewhere. Not a good sign. (Unless of course she's repentant.) Let me ask: when she's all over you does she seem like a girl who's repented of past wrongs and is ready to make herself worthy to enter the Temple?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Look, that doesn't mean she's a bad person, it’s just that she hasn't been taught that virtuous is beautiful and that a man needs to respect a woman if he's going to love her. Guess whose job it is to tell her that? To help her feel that?

Yup, yours amigo.

Are you too picky?

I don't know.

I think it's inspired to focus on return sister missionaries. Not just from the age advantage, but spiritually as well. As you're finding out, women have a tendency to get in their own way when it comes to romance. I'm not saying that you should give up on the current girlfriend entirely, but I do think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Preferably somewhere out in the open, with people nearby, in the daylight . . .

I also think your notion of being too picky may just be a prompting that you may want to expand the sphere of women you're considering. I get piles of letters every month from girls at BYU-I who are closer to your age, live high standards, and have clean dating histories (if they've dated at all) who would love to meet a guy just like you. It's not that big of a campus; they should be easy to find.

One last thought: if you really have reached the point where this relationship seems "silly" and pointless, it's time to move on. However, like I said, I think you should have that conversation first and see what happens. After all, if you can get past this issue, if you're making a bigger deal out of it than you should, if she's not as "unworthy" as we fear . . . you might be making a big mistake to let her go.

Good luck!

- Bro Jo