Dear Bro Jo,
I've debated writing this for a while now. I'm not really sure where to start, or what my question really is but here I go... I live in a place where the church is really quite small and attend a YSA ward where there aren't many guys that are dating. Basically the only ones that are, are in serious relationships already. I've tried hinting at going on dates and such, and have managed a few but never anything serious. I've been home from my mission for a year and have only been on 3 dates with 3 different guys in my ward. There is so much pressure to find a husband but there isn't anyone where I live that I think is worth dating. Mainly because the only ones not in serious relationships are either preparing for a mission (and I don't want to get in the way of that) or not temple worthy. There is one new guy in the ward who is an RM and temple worthy but it seems like he's fallen for the "cutest girl in YSA" and we don't talk very often.
Recently, I took a trip to Utah and met up with one of the Elders that served in the same mission as me that I had met in the MTC. We never really served together and I think I saw him 5 times max on the mission. But we met up nonetheless. And I had a really good time. We sat and talked for about an hour and I hadn't laughed as much as I did with him in my life. He spent most of the hour trying to convince me to move to Utah. He had it basically all planned out for me. I texted him later and asked him why he wanted me to move there so badly and he told me he just wanted me to be happy and he didn't think I was happy where I am (in Canada). Of course, he would be right. He's really nice and I really like how I feel and who I am around him. He makes me want to be a better person and gives me hope that there is a guy out there somewhere (if not him) that would want to see me happy and see me do well in life. Also, he gives me hope that one day I could be sealed in the temple. It's been a week since I saw him and I think about him constantly...I'm such a girl.
I was talking to one of my companions and she brought up the fact that if I do move there, it doesn't mean that I will date him, but it does open many more opportunities than what I have now. Not only for dates but also for spiritual growth as well as I would have more access to temples and such (the closest one right now is 6 hours away). So moving there looks like a good idea right now, even just for a semester or two. But my parents aren't supportive. Right now, they're paying for my school and say they can't afford to send me there. Even though it would only be a little more expensive because of the exchange rate. There is no way I could afford to go there on my own unless I were to take some time off from school and work which isn't bad but not the greatest plan either.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is do you think it would be a good idea to move down for a bit? And if so, what is the best way to convince my parents to let me go? Also, should I continue texting the person I met on the mission and see where it leads even if I don't move right away?
Sorry for my rambling, I just need an outsider's opinion on this and I think most of all, I needed to see my thoughts written out on paper. Thanks for all that you do!
- Name Withheld
Dear Friend,
You're an adult and a Return Missionary. You don't need to convince your parents or get their permission. If you feel the Lord would have you move, then move. (Which, given the circumstances, I also happen to think is a good idea.)
If your parents can't, or won't, help you financially then get a job. You're an adult. That's what adults do.
I agree that you should keep texting with this guy (just don't be the one that always initiates the conversation), but I also think you should make plans to move as soon as possible.
You are at the point in your life where it's time to begin forming an eternal family. If that isn't going to happen where you are, you need to move to where the odds are better.
That's my opinion, anyway.
- Bro Jo
Monday, April 30, 2018
Friday, April 27, 2018
When Someone is Using You
Dear Bro Jo,
I am coming to you today for advise because I'm have a hard time deciding on a plan of action. Here is some background on my situation. When I was in my senior year of high school I really had strong feelings for a young man let’s call him "Sam" who held very different beliefs than I did. I found out that he did not have feelings for me. With some very poor judgement I agreed to be in a "friends with benefits" situation this young man though had much higher expectations about what a "friends with benefits" relationship entailed and I think because of my own temptation, my desire to be close to him, and my insecurity. I made some mistakes, mistakes that really scared me emotionally because I had let myself be used, in fact I had chosen to be used instead of moving on. He eventually ended the relationship because I was getting too attached. I was left broken. I had shut my beliefs and my conscience (the Holy Ghost) to the back of my mind. It made myself numb to guilt and pain for quite a while. It took a whole lot for me to pull myself together. I did though, I eventually talked to my Bishop and got everything worked out.
I am very embarrassed to say that I am a female with a very high physical temptation. It's not something talked about very often and most of the time talks about pornography and masturbation are saved for the young men and young adults in the church. I've had a very hard time because I am very tempted. It makes me very sad and I am so very hard on myself when I make a mistake because I have a testimony I really do, but I'm afraid that I will never be strong enough to be pure. I'm afraid that I have ruined my mind. I have talked to my bishop and sometimes I get it under control for a while, but it something that I can never let my guard down on. As soon I do I make a mistake again.
At this point I'm afraid to date even because I know that if physical, I will be so tempted to take it further.
Recently I have come into contact with Sam. It has been two and a half years since we graduated high school. Through this time we have always remain friends, though not always close friends.
In April Sam was broken up with by his girlfriend of two years. He was crushed. Just completely heart broken, insecure, and lonely. Although I was dating someone at the time I did take the time to talk to him and try to help him through this tough time.
We became close.
After I broke up with my boyfriend due to his mission we became even closer. I feel like in a whole lot of ways he needs me to be there for him. The problem is that there is always a temptation with him. I know him well and I know he is an extremely physical person with very different standards. I had hoped that I could be strong, but I fell to temptation with him. In a lot ways its the same thing because Sam doesn't have romantic feelings towards me and I don't think I have them for him either.
At this point I am hurt and so sorrowful because I sinned against God who I know is the most important.
I feel empty.
I know that to repent I need to talk to my Bishop and I will. I guess my real question is, should I remain in contact with this person?
He is such a huge part of my life right now, not always a positive part, but also not always a negative part. I love him and care about so much as a friend and I don't want to abandon him in his time of need.
He is my best friend, but he makes it harder for me to resists the temptations in my life. In fact he is a huge temptation for me.
I know that he would be hurt if I cut contact with him. It is my hope that one day I will be strong enough to be an example for Sam, but my weaknesses have yet to become my strengths.
Any advice Bro Jo?
- Confused and Broken
Dear Confused,
Oh boy.
Little Sister . . . you have so much more value than you seem to think you do.
Because I care, I'm going to be very, very honest with you.
“Sam” is not your friend. He does not care about you. He doesn't love you.
All you are to him is someone he can use physically to make himself feel better.
He doesn't love you. He can't. He doesn't respect you. You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.
Your entire relationship with Sam is centered around him feeling better and you feeling worse.
It's sometimes hard for us to know what to do because we're in so deep. Not being able to see the forest for the trees sort of a thing.
What I'm saying is . . .
You need to cut him out of your life. Entirely.
He's a cancer.
Think of it this way: in order for us to heal we need to stop hurting ourselves. You can't heal the burn on your hand if you won't stop touching the stove.
Do talk to your Bishop right away.
And, seriously, consider please getting some counseling as well. It just seems to me that you have some lack-of-self-esteem stuff going on you need to overcome.
You need to realize that you are a beautiful, wonderful, daughter of God, and as such are awesome!
No man can ever prove that to be true, nor take it away.
I know that as you work to mend your relationship with the Savior you'll feel better.
And I really feel that cutting Sam out of your life, cleanly and right away, is essential to starting down that road.
(And, remember: because of the Savior and the Atonement, we're never totally "broken'!)
- Bro Jo
I am coming to you today for advise because I'm have a hard time deciding on a plan of action. Here is some background on my situation. When I was in my senior year of high school I really had strong feelings for a young man let’s call him "Sam" who held very different beliefs than I did. I found out that he did not have feelings for me. With some very poor judgement I agreed to be in a "friends with benefits" situation this young man though had much higher expectations about what a "friends with benefits" relationship entailed and I think because of my own temptation, my desire to be close to him, and my insecurity. I made some mistakes, mistakes that really scared me emotionally because I had let myself be used, in fact I had chosen to be used instead of moving on. He eventually ended the relationship because I was getting too attached. I was left broken. I had shut my beliefs and my conscience (the Holy Ghost) to the back of my mind. It made myself numb to guilt and pain for quite a while. It took a whole lot for me to pull myself together. I did though, I eventually talked to my Bishop and got everything worked out.
I am very embarrassed to say that I am a female with a very high physical temptation. It's not something talked about very often and most of the time talks about pornography and masturbation are saved for the young men and young adults in the church. I've had a very hard time because I am very tempted. It makes me very sad and I am so very hard on myself when I make a mistake because I have a testimony I really do, but I'm afraid that I will never be strong enough to be pure. I'm afraid that I have ruined my mind. I have talked to my bishop and sometimes I get it under control for a while, but it something that I can never let my guard down on. As soon I do I make a mistake again.
At this point I'm afraid to date even because I know that if physical, I will be so tempted to take it further.
Recently I have come into contact with Sam. It has been two and a half years since we graduated high school. Through this time we have always remain friends, though not always close friends.
In April Sam was broken up with by his girlfriend of two years. He was crushed. Just completely heart broken, insecure, and lonely. Although I was dating someone at the time I did take the time to talk to him and try to help him through this tough time.
We became close.
After I broke up with my boyfriend due to his mission we became even closer. I feel like in a whole lot of ways he needs me to be there for him. The problem is that there is always a temptation with him. I know him well and I know he is an extremely physical person with very different standards. I had hoped that I could be strong, but I fell to temptation with him. In a lot ways its the same thing because Sam doesn't have romantic feelings towards me and I don't think I have them for him either.
At this point I am hurt and so sorrowful because I sinned against God who I know is the most important.
I feel empty.
I know that to repent I need to talk to my Bishop and I will. I guess my real question is, should I remain in contact with this person?
He is such a huge part of my life right now, not always a positive part, but also not always a negative part. I love him and care about so much as a friend and I don't want to abandon him in his time of need.
He is my best friend, but he makes it harder for me to resists the temptations in my life. In fact he is a huge temptation for me.
I know that he would be hurt if I cut contact with him. It is my hope that one day I will be strong enough to be an example for Sam, but my weaknesses have yet to become my strengths.
Any advice Bro Jo?
- Confused and Broken
Dear Confused,
Oh boy.
Little Sister . . . you have so much more value than you seem to think you do.
Because I care, I'm going to be very, very honest with you.
“Sam” is not your friend. He does not care about you. He doesn't love you.
All you are to him is someone he can use physically to make himself feel better.
He doesn't love you. He can't. He doesn't respect you. You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.
Your entire relationship with Sam is centered around him feeling better and you feeling worse.
It's sometimes hard for us to know what to do because we're in so deep. Not being able to see the forest for the trees sort of a thing.
What I'm saying is . . .
You need to cut him out of your life. Entirely.
He's a cancer.
Think of it this way: in order for us to heal we need to stop hurting ourselves. You can't heal the burn on your hand if you won't stop touching the stove.
Do talk to your Bishop right away.
And, seriously, consider please getting some counseling as well. It just seems to me that you have some lack-of-self-esteem stuff going on you need to overcome.
You need to realize that you are a beautiful, wonderful, daughter of God, and as such are awesome!
No man can ever prove that to be true, nor take it away.
I know that as you work to mend your relationship with the Savior you'll feel better.
And I really feel that cutting Sam out of your life, cleanly and right away, is essential to starting down that road.
(And, remember: because of the Savior and the Atonement, we're never totally "broken'!)
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Should They Get Back Together
Dear Bro Jo,
Hey Brother Johnston!
My boyfriend and I broke up six weeks ago after dating for two months.
It's not my first broken heart and I'm moving on.
While I don't know exactly the reason he broke up with me it boils down to the fact that he is not ready to be in a serious relationship. I am! I loved the experience!
I felt energized by our conversations, loved trying new things together and felt totally accepted. I made changes to become a better person because of him and I am always going to be grateful for that. I was beginning to love him.
And yes, I could see a future.
I am moving on but still have feelings of wanting him back. I tell myself that it is just the addiction center of my brain talking, and I shouldn't listen. But it talks back.
Is it possible for us to get back together - that happens right?
How do you know if that's right?
Maybe he isn't the guy for me and his bowing out of what I thought was an amazing relationship is a blessing in disguise.
But there's also the fact that we got along like none other, he was really kind, honest and hilarious.
Can I find someone better than that?
Maybe I need to let my guard down and date more people to know for sure.
And wait. Upon. The. Lord.
Thanks!!
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
I agree that you need to date more people and trust in the Lord's timing.
I don't agree that this is the only man you could ever get along with in this way.
Yes, people get back together, but it's rare, and even rarer that doing so works out.
Unless he's not ready to be serious because he's pre-mission, everything else that might "really be the reason" is . . . well . . . not good.
Most often (and believe me when I say that I think he's making a mistake here) when a person (girls do it too) says "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" they're leaving off the rest of the sentence.
The whole sentence is "I'm not ready for a serious relationship . . .WITH YOU".
I know that's painful. I've been on the receiving end of that more times than I care to admit. But if it's how they feel it's better to know right away than to be stuck in a going-nowhere relationship, wasting time instead of finding someone else.
So don't wait around.
If, someday, he actually realizes what a mistake he's made and IF you feel like he's ready to be serious and not just lonely and hanging onto you until he changes his mind or someone else comes along . . . IF . . . then you can consider it.
But, until then, keep dating!
- Bro Jo
Hey Brother Johnston!
My boyfriend and I broke up six weeks ago after dating for two months.
It's not my first broken heart and I'm moving on.
While I don't know exactly the reason he broke up with me it boils down to the fact that he is not ready to be in a serious relationship. I am! I loved the experience!
I felt energized by our conversations, loved trying new things together and felt totally accepted. I made changes to become a better person because of him and I am always going to be grateful for that. I was beginning to love him.
And yes, I could see a future.
I am moving on but still have feelings of wanting him back. I tell myself that it is just the addiction center of my brain talking, and I shouldn't listen. But it talks back.
Is it possible for us to get back together - that happens right?
How do you know if that's right?
Maybe he isn't the guy for me and his bowing out of what I thought was an amazing relationship is a blessing in disguise.
But there's also the fact that we got along like none other, he was really kind, honest and hilarious.
Can I find someone better than that?
Maybe I need to let my guard down and date more people to know for sure.
And wait. Upon. The. Lord.
Thanks!!
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
I agree that you need to date more people and trust in the Lord's timing.
I don't agree that this is the only man you could ever get along with in this way.
Yes, people get back together, but it's rare, and even rarer that doing so works out.
Unless he's not ready to be serious because he's pre-mission, everything else that might "really be the reason" is . . . well . . . not good.
Most often (and believe me when I say that I think he's making a mistake here) when a person (girls do it too) says "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" they're leaving off the rest of the sentence.
The whole sentence is "I'm not ready for a serious relationship . . .WITH YOU".
I know that's painful. I've been on the receiving end of that more times than I care to admit. But if it's how they feel it's better to know right away than to be stuck in a going-nowhere relationship, wasting time instead of finding someone else.
So don't wait around.
If, someday, he actually realizes what a mistake he's made and IF you feel like he's ready to be serious and not just lonely and hanging onto you until he changes his mind or someone else comes along . . . IF . . . then you can consider it.
But, until then, keep dating!
- Bro Jo
Monday, April 23, 2018
What Does It Take to Get from Broken Heart to New Boyfriend?
Dear Bro Jo,
I had my heart broken, crushed and mutilated pretty badly earlier this year by a man I wanted to marry for 7 years, so I went on a "man-vegan" diet and actively avoided dating for many months until I was emotionally ready. Suddenly two of my friends from different circles both set me up with the same guy. The moment we were introduced I was overcome with peace. He exceeded all of my expectations, makes me happier than my original plan and makes me want to be better.
In the last month and a half we've seen each other about 3 times a week. I always have Sunday dinner and devotional at his apartment. We've been on about 4 official dates and they have been amazing! I can't say enough about how much I respect him and enjoy being with him. We haven't held hands yet, but that is definitely the next step.
But there's a problem.
I am getting so many mixed signals.
He is making the time to take me on dates and include me in his life. We have two dates this week, plus Sunday dinner. When we are alone together we have great quality time and super deep talks. We speak openly about the gospel and laugh about everything. Our quality time is so genuine. He says things like, "You and my mom would get along so well!" and then comments about how he wants to marry someone like his mom. We even won a "Celestial Marriage" game against 5 other partners! I feel so natural with him and it breaks my heart to think of him not being in my life. He keeps planning vague things in the future so I assume he wants me in his life as well.
BUT. Every other week is hot and cold. Sometimes I feel snubbed by him. He won't answer my texts for days at a time (he's getting better at that). When we are in a group I don't feel like he is trying to have "moments" with me.
I know that he is really busy; he works full time and is in the business school at BYU. He is also generally a really bad texter. I could never ever see him being mean or sending secret messages on purpose -- he isn't that kind of a person. If he didn't like he he'd tell me straight out so I figured that things were working out and that he was showing real interest when he asked me on two dates this week.
The reason I'm writing is because we went on our date today. When he picked me up from campus I hopped in his car and realized that he was talking on the phone with an old friend of his. He was talking to this girl about celebrating her good test scores by going out for milkshakes. He acknowledged me and was really friendly but continued to talk to this girl. He didn't try to speed up the conversation or say he'd call her back later. I don't know the context of their relationship...maybe it's totally platonic, but I felt like I was listening to him plan a date with someone else while we were on a date. The rest of the date was awesome and we talked for 2 hours instead of the quick 45 minutes that we'd planned on.
My conflict is that I don't want to invest more than I already have if he isn't going to make up his mind. Is he incredibly oblivious or does he not know what he wants?
I'm not the type of girl who waits around. It irritates me that I'm still sitting here.
Bro Jo, should I hike up my self worth and walk in a different direction or should I stay for a while longer?
Sincerely,
- Uber Confused
Dear Uber,
What you should do is: Slow down
Communicate more
And stop looking for reasons to dump a good relationship ... especially this early.
In our lives we often swing a pendulum from one extreme to another. Seven years is a very long time to be in a relationship that doesn't work out, but six weeks is way too early to make demands or jump ship.
I agree that he shouldn't be planning dates with his ex ... particularly while he's on a date with you. But if we look at the available evidence we have no reason to believe that he's experienced enough in relationships to know that.
The two of you have a great time together, and you're spending a lot of time together. That alone should tell you that things are going well.
At your age I don't understand how holding hands and kissing didn't happen three weeks ago... I agree that step needs to be reached very soon.
I don't agree that you're getting mixed signals. I think you just need to be a little more bold, a little more honest.
When he got off the phone you should have asked him why he was making date plans with his ex. That question, asked in a non-confrontational way, could have been enlightening for you both. He may have learned that's not something he should be doing, and you would have been able to express how you feel without seeming angry.
What if he's just looking for the opportunity to get some of his stuff back or finally get rid of her stuff that she left in his car?
And consider this: it's not like he was hiding this from you. That should tell you something.
If things in your relationship bother you, talk about them ... in the most calm, rational way you can.
I understand that you're still wary and hurting from the last guy, but I see no reason yet to stop giving this new guy a chance.
Now, seriously, the next time you're together make sure you hold his hand and at least kiss him goodbye.
And by all means, ask him about this milkshakes plan.
Communication is the key in any relationship. .. verbal and non-verbal.
- Bro Jo
Bro Jo,
He surprised me last night by showing up at my house!
He was going to take me on a date but we all had so much fun playing music at my apartment that we ended up staying there.
Once everyone else had filtered out I brought up the milkshake plan. Turns out that she is his best friend from forever ago and he was just checking up on her. I also asked him why we'd been hot and cold...apparently last week he took a break to see if he really wanted to date me.
And he decided that he does!
We are official now!
I feel so much better about all of this!
Thanks for your advice!:)
- Uber Relieved and Happy
P.S. We had our third hug yesterday...hand holding should happen someday haha
Dear Uber,
Patience pays off!
(Still think you should have kissed him, though! It'll happen, I'm sure.)
Congratulations,
- Bro Jo
I had my heart broken, crushed and mutilated pretty badly earlier this year by a man I wanted to marry for 7 years, so I went on a "man-vegan" diet and actively avoided dating for many months until I was emotionally ready. Suddenly two of my friends from different circles both set me up with the same guy. The moment we were introduced I was overcome with peace. He exceeded all of my expectations, makes me happier than my original plan and makes me want to be better.
In the last month and a half we've seen each other about 3 times a week. I always have Sunday dinner and devotional at his apartment. We've been on about 4 official dates and they have been amazing! I can't say enough about how much I respect him and enjoy being with him. We haven't held hands yet, but that is definitely the next step.
But there's a problem.
I am getting so many mixed signals.
He is making the time to take me on dates and include me in his life. We have two dates this week, plus Sunday dinner. When we are alone together we have great quality time and super deep talks. We speak openly about the gospel and laugh about everything. Our quality time is so genuine. He says things like, "You and my mom would get along so well!" and then comments about how he wants to marry someone like his mom. We even won a "Celestial Marriage" game against 5 other partners! I feel so natural with him and it breaks my heart to think of him not being in my life. He keeps planning vague things in the future so I assume he wants me in his life as well.
BUT. Every other week is hot and cold. Sometimes I feel snubbed by him. He won't answer my texts for days at a time (he's getting better at that). When we are in a group I don't feel like he is trying to have "moments" with me.
I know that he is really busy; he works full time and is in the business school at BYU. He is also generally a really bad texter. I could never ever see him being mean or sending secret messages on purpose -- he isn't that kind of a person. If he didn't like he he'd tell me straight out so I figured that things were working out and that he was showing real interest when he asked me on two dates this week.
The reason I'm writing is because we went on our date today. When he picked me up from campus I hopped in his car and realized that he was talking on the phone with an old friend of his. He was talking to this girl about celebrating her good test scores by going out for milkshakes. He acknowledged me and was really friendly but continued to talk to this girl. He didn't try to speed up the conversation or say he'd call her back later. I don't know the context of their relationship...maybe it's totally platonic, but I felt like I was listening to him plan a date with someone else while we were on a date. The rest of the date was awesome and we talked for 2 hours instead of the quick 45 minutes that we'd planned on.
My conflict is that I don't want to invest more than I already have if he isn't going to make up his mind. Is he incredibly oblivious or does he not know what he wants?
I'm not the type of girl who waits around. It irritates me that I'm still sitting here.
Bro Jo, should I hike up my self worth and walk in a different direction or should I stay for a while longer?
Sincerely,
- Uber Confused
Dear Uber,
What you should do is: Slow down
Communicate more
And stop looking for reasons to dump a good relationship ... especially this early.
In our lives we often swing a pendulum from one extreme to another. Seven years is a very long time to be in a relationship that doesn't work out, but six weeks is way too early to make demands or jump ship.
I agree that he shouldn't be planning dates with his ex ... particularly while he's on a date with you. But if we look at the available evidence we have no reason to believe that he's experienced enough in relationships to know that.
The two of you have a great time together, and you're spending a lot of time together. That alone should tell you that things are going well.
At your age I don't understand how holding hands and kissing didn't happen three weeks ago... I agree that step needs to be reached very soon.
I don't agree that you're getting mixed signals. I think you just need to be a little more bold, a little more honest.
When he got off the phone you should have asked him why he was making date plans with his ex. That question, asked in a non-confrontational way, could have been enlightening for you both. He may have learned that's not something he should be doing, and you would have been able to express how you feel without seeming angry.
What if he's just looking for the opportunity to get some of his stuff back or finally get rid of her stuff that she left in his car?
And consider this: it's not like he was hiding this from you. That should tell you something.
If things in your relationship bother you, talk about them ... in the most calm, rational way you can.
I understand that you're still wary and hurting from the last guy, but I see no reason yet to stop giving this new guy a chance.
Now, seriously, the next time you're together make sure you hold his hand and at least kiss him goodbye.
And by all means, ask him about this milkshakes plan.
Communication is the key in any relationship. .. verbal and non-verbal.
- Bro Jo
Bro Jo,
He surprised me last night by showing up at my house!
He was going to take me on a date but we all had so much fun playing music at my apartment that we ended up staying there.
Once everyone else had filtered out I brought up the milkshake plan. Turns out that she is his best friend from forever ago and he was just checking up on her. I also asked him why we'd been hot and cold...apparently last week he took a break to see if he really wanted to date me.
And he decided that he does!
We are official now!
I feel so much better about all of this!
Thanks for your advice!:)
- Uber Relieved and Happy
P.S. We had our third hug yesterday...hand holding should happen someday haha
Dear Uber,
Patience pays off!
(Still think you should have kissed him, though! It'll happen, I'm sure.)
Congratulations,
- Bro Jo
Friday, April 20, 2018
Getting a Date to Mormon Prom
Dear Bro Jo,
Hi Bro Jo!
My stake has been invited to a multi stake laurel priest prom that will take place I'm a few months.
I would really like to go to this prom. It should be a lot of fun since there will be 10 stakes there, and I also want to do something that is part of my "high school experience," if you know what I mean.
However, my stake doesn't have many youth-and most of the them are actually in my ward. Unfortunately, even with that, there's really not much of an opportunity to go on causal group dates because most of them have steady boy/girlfriends, and several of them are actually dating each other.
Because of the steady dating situation that shouldn't be going on but is, I've never been on a group date. (I'm 17.)
So knowing I most likely will not be asked to the dance, I'm wondering if it would be ok for me to ask someone? Even if it's not an official "girls ask guys" dance?
I could potentially ask a nice YM in my ward who recently broke up with his girlfriend (who is actually not in our ward, by the way, so that's not a problem), but I don't know him hardly at all.
I could potentially ask a YM in another stake who I know a tiny bit better, but we haven't talked or seen each other in a while.
I could also potentially ask the older brother of my younger sister's best friend. They're actually a nonmember family, but are very active at the Christian church they go to, occasionally participate in some of our Church-related activities, and have nearly the exact same standards as us members do. However, I don't really know this boy very well, either.
I would be open to asking any three of these boys, even if it's unconventional. However, since I don't really know any of them that well right now, it would definitely be odd and awkward to straight up ask one them if he would go to prom with me.
Is there something(s) I could do between now and when I would need to ask one of them to prom that would make it less awkward?
For the example, my neighbor and good friend who is in my ward is friends with both the nonmember boy and the boy who recently broke up with his girlfriend. I know I can be direct with him without sounding desperate, so could I ask him to set up a group date sometime so that I could get to know this boy better? (Or say something to that effect.)
Thank you for your time and opinion,
- To Prom or Not To Prom
Dear To Prom,
Before you cross the "do the asking" bridge, I'd like to see you try to get these young men to ask you.
For example:
With the Young Man in your ward who is recently single, you could say "you know, I don't have a date yet for this prom thing coming up . . . it sure would be great if a nice, recently single guy would ask me . . ."
You could text the YM in the other Stake, have a bit of a conversation, and then after a while ask him if he's gotten a date to this thing yet. If he says no you could respond "me either" and leave it at that.
And as for the boy who is the brother of your sister's friend, I think it might be pretty effective to enlist the help of your sister and her friend. I'm sure the three of you conspiring together could come up with a way to get him to ask you.
Using our friends and relatives for dating help can be a great idea.
Good luck!
And let me know how it goes, please.
- Bro Jo
Hi Bro Jo!
My stake has been invited to a multi stake laurel priest prom that will take place I'm a few months.
I would really like to go to this prom. It should be a lot of fun since there will be 10 stakes there, and I also want to do something that is part of my "high school experience," if you know what I mean.
However, my stake doesn't have many youth-and most of the them are actually in my ward. Unfortunately, even with that, there's really not much of an opportunity to go on causal group dates because most of them have steady boy/girlfriends, and several of them are actually dating each other.
Because of the steady dating situation that shouldn't be going on but is, I've never been on a group date. (I'm 17.)
So knowing I most likely will not be asked to the dance, I'm wondering if it would be ok for me to ask someone? Even if it's not an official "girls ask guys" dance?
I could potentially ask a nice YM in my ward who recently broke up with his girlfriend (who is actually not in our ward, by the way, so that's not a problem), but I don't know him hardly at all.
I could potentially ask a YM in another stake who I know a tiny bit better, but we haven't talked or seen each other in a while.
I could also potentially ask the older brother of my younger sister's best friend. They're actually a nonmember family, but are very active at the Christian church they go to, occasionally participate in some of our Church-related activities, and have nearly the exact same standards as us members do. However, I don't really know this boy very well, either.
I would be open to asking any three of these boys, even if it's unconventional. However, since I don't really know any of them that well right now, it would definitely be odd and awkward to straight up ask one them if he would go to prom with me.
Is there something(s) I could do between now and when I would need to ask one of them to prom that would make it less awkward?
For the example, my neighbor and good friend who is in my ward is friends with both the nonmember boy and the boy who recently broke up with his girlfriend. I know I can be direct with him without sounding desperate, so could I ask him to set up a group date sometime so that I could get to know this boy better? (Or say something to that effect.)
Thank you for your time and opinion,
- To Prom or Not To Prom
Dear To Prom,
Before you cross the "do the asking" bridge, I'd like to see you try to get these young men to ask you.
For example:
With the Young Man in your ward who is recently single, you could say "you know, I don't have a date yet for this prom thing coming up . . . it sure would be great if a nice, recently single guy would ask me . . ."
You could text the YM in the other Stake, have a bit of a conversation, and then after a while ask him if he's gotten a date to this thing yet. If he says no you could respond "me either" and leave it at that.
And as for the boy who is the brother of your sister's friend, I think it might be pretty effective to enlist the help of your sister and her friend. I'm sure the three of you conspiring together could come up with a way to get him to ask you.
Using our friends and relatives for dating help can be a great idea.
Good luck!
And let me know how it goes, please.
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Making a Move Before the Semester Ends
Dear Bro Jo,
I realize that this you probably get hundreds of these a day. However, I have had something weighing on my mind.
I am now a senior at BYU-Idaho and I have known someone all semester and progressively developed feelings for this person but never really pursued it because he was sort of like my boss for a volunteer position.
I do this quite consistently . . . not pursuing my interests . . . I am tired of this pattern!
This person also graduates at the end of July and I'm not sure how to pursue anything whether, it should be a group thing so I can feel the person out more or if it should be a one on one type ordeal.
I do however feel that I need to start being more brave so I can get more experience dating while at BYU-Idaho whether or not I do meet my future spouse or not.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
Sorry I'm just now seeing this message. The best way to communicate with me is by sending me an email. dearbrojo@gmail.com
Boss at a volunteer thing is NOT an obstacle.
If you don't do something, your chance may be lost forever, and that inaction may haunt you for quite a while.
If you really like him, and if he's a Good Guy, go up to him (SOON), one on one, and say: "I just want you to know that I've spent this whole semester hoping you would ask me out on a date".
Then touch his arm, look him in the eye, and wait quietly to see what he does.
If after a moment he doesn't say anything, or doesn't ask you out right then and there, say "Here's my phone number" and hand him a piece of paper with your name and number on it.
(Yes, even if he already has it.)
Then smile, touch him again, and walk away not looking back. If he doesn't call or talk to you about it in a week or so, move on.
How's that for brave?
Good luck!
And let us know how it goes!
- Bro Jo
I realize that this you probably get hundreds of these a day. However, I have had something weighing on my mind.
I am now a senior at BYU-Idaho and I have known someone all semester and progressively developed feelings for this person but never really pursued it because he was sort of like my boss for a volunteer position.
I do this quite consistently . . . not pursuing my interests . . . I am tired of this pattern!
This person also graduates at the end of July and I'm not sure how to pursue anything whether, it should be a group thing so I can feel the person out more or if it should be a one on one type ordeal.
I do however feel that I need to start being more brave so I can get more experience dating while at BYU-Idaho whether or not I do meet my future spouse or not.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
Sorry I'm just now seeing this message. The best way to communicate with me is by sending me an email. dearbrojo@gmail.com
Boss at a volunteer thing is NOT an obstacle.
If you don't do something, your chance may be lost forever, and that inaction may haunt you for quite a while.
If you really like him, and if he's a Good Guy, go up to him (SOON), one on one, and say: "I just want you to know that I've spent this whole semester hoping you would ask me out on a date".
Then touch his arm, look him in the eye, and wait quietly to see what he does.
If after a moment he doesn't say anything, or doesn't ask you out right then and there, say "Here's my phone number" and hand him a piece of paper with your name and number on it.
(Yes, even if he already has it.)
Then smile, touch him again, and walk away not looking back. If he doesn't call or talk to you about it in a week or so, move on.
How's that for brave?
Good luck!
And let us know how it goes!
- Bro Jo
Monday, April 16, 2018
Will Her Confession Get Him Sent Home?
Dear Bro Jo,
I have been seeing this guy for a year and things have been great. But the closer it got to him to leave on his mission we began to spend more time to gather alone .
During this time we did make out a lot and he would lift of his shirt and garment top so he could feel his skin next to mine both shirts stayed on but they were lifted enough so we could touch each other back and stomach.
He has left on his mission we never told the Bishop what we had done because he said it was okay that we didn't do anything wrong, but now that I'm planning to go on a mission myself I would like to repent properly and tell my Bishop.
Will it get my elder in trouble since he hasn't repented and he still feels he did nothing wrong?
I don't want to miss out on me serving a mission with a pure heart.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
When it comes to concerns about worthiness it's always better to talk to your Bishop than to not.
While I'm sure the guy you were seeing (you do understand, I hope, that you're not currently seeing each other? and that it's a little inappropriate for you to call him "my elder", I hope . . .) is a great guy and all, generally speaking when you've done something that you feel uncomfortable about and the man you did it with is trying to convince you that it's okay and you did nothing wrong you're better off listening to the Spirit than the man.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
When I go and tell my Bishop will they force him to come home from his mission since he did not repent because he was leaving soon?
He's already been out 6 months .
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
You and I have no real way of knowing what he's said or not said to his Bishop, Stake President, and Mission President.
Nor is it our place to determine what qualifies as a reason to be sent home.
If he is to be sent home (which I doubt, by the way) that reality should never keep you from doing the right thing.
Being sent home, like any Church discipline, isn't a "punishment", it's a step taken to help that person mend things with the Savior; to help them feel the Spirit again.
It's not my place to shield Sister Jo from the need to repent, nor she me. Further, to do so would hinder the other person's Spiritual Progression. You never keep someone you love from mending things with God.
You focus on your own situation and love them and help and support them.
But never get in the way.
- Bro Jo
I have been seeing this guy for a year and things have been great. But the closer it got to him to leave on his mission we began to spend more time to gather alone .
During this time we did make out a lot and he would lift of his shirt and garment top so he could feel his skin next to mine both shirts stayed on but they were lifted enough so we could touch each other back and stomach.
He has left on his mission we never told the Bishop what we had done because he said it was okay that we didn't do anything wrong, but now that I'm planning to go on a mission myself I would like to repent properly and tell my Bishop.
Will it get my elder in trouble since he hasn't repented and he still feels he did nothing wrong?
I don't want to miss out on me serving a mission with a pure heart.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
When it comes to concerns about worthiness it's always better to talk to your Bishop than to not.
While I'm sure the guy you were seeing (you do understand, I hope, that you're not currently seeing each other? and that it's a little inappropriate for you to call him "my elder", I hope . . .) is a great guy and all, generally speaking when you've done something that you feel uncomfortable about and the man you did it with is trying to convince you that it's okay and you did nothing wrong you're better off listening to the Spirit than the man.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
When I go and tell my Bishop will they force him to come home from his mission since he did not repent because he was leaving soon?
He's already been out 6 months .
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
You and I have no real way of knowing what he's said or not said to his Bishop, Stake President, and Mission President.
Nor is it our place to determine what qualifies as a reason to be sent home.
If he is to be sent home (which I doubt, by the way) that reality should never keep you from doing the right thing.
Being sent home, like any Church discipline, isn't a "punishment", it's a step taken to help that person mend things with the Savior; to help them feel the Spirit again.
It's not my place to shield Sister Jo from the need to repent, nor she me. Further, to do so would hinder the other person's Spiritual Progression. You never keep someone you love from mending things with God.
You focus on your own situation and love them and help and support them.
But never get in the way.
- Bro Jo
Friday, April 13, 2018
Guys Like to Be Touched
Dear Bro Jo,
Hi Bro Jo! I commented on the "When all the girls around you seem to be waiting" post, and I decided to email you my reply.
I've read the "how a girl can get a guy to ask her on a date" post a lot haha... Though not recently. So it was a good refresher :) I guess I just feel like I don't have the power, and that I'm not special enough. I'm *so* shy, and putting myself out even more kinda freaks me out I guess haha. I mean, I talk to guys, and I feel like I'm already putting myself out there, but I guess it's not enough.
Something my roommates have told me is that guys like it when you touch them on like the arm or knees. Is that true?
That shyness seems to keep me in a bubble, and I have the hardest time reaching out...
I don't know if you remember, but I use to email you under the "16 and confused" name. I don't remember when the last time I emailed you was . . . I do remember emailing you about being scared to spread my wings.
I'm sure glad I did!
It's been very hard, but it's been so incredibly rewarding. I just had to take that leap of faith :)
I can't wait to hear from you!
- 18 and Still Confused
Dear Confused,
Yes. It's true. Guys like to be touched. You should try it. On the arm. Not the knee or leg. That's a bit too forward.
Of course you're special!
I wish that once in a while you YSAs would come and tour a "family ward". Look around at us Old People. We're not hotties. We're not intimidating. We're just people. Shy. Awkward. Not as funny or as fit as we think we are. Or as we once were. We're balding and wrinkly and our shape is not the best it's ever been. But guess what? Most of us are married. To someone who we think is pretty dang special. And who thinks we're special, too.
So stop being so down on yourself.
Chin up!
Love who you are.
The Lord does.
So should you!
Now go out there and Be Kind and Be of Service to others.
And touch the occasional dude's arm, and smile at him while you ask him sincere questions about himself.
It does wonders.
- Bro Jo
Hi Bro Jo! I commented on the "When all the girls around you seem to be waiting" post, and I decided to email you my reply.
I've read the "how a girl can get a guy to ask her on a date" post a lot haha... Though not recently. So it was a good refresher :) I guess I just feel like I don't have the power, and that I'm not special enough. I'm *so* shy, and putting myself out even more kinda freaks me out I guess haha. I mean, I talk to guys, and I feel like I'm already putting myself out there, but I guess it's not enough.
Something my roommates have told me is that guys like it when you touch them on like the arm or knees. Is that true?
That shyness seems to keep me in a bubble, and I have the hardest time reaching out...
I don't know if you remember, but I use to email you under the "16 and confused" name. I don't remember when the last time I emailed you was . . . I do remember emailing you about being scared to spread my wings.
I'm sure glad I did!
It's been very hard, but it's been so incredibly rewarding. I just had to take that leap of faith :)
I can't wait to hear from you!
- 18 and Still Confused
Dear Confused,
Yes. It's true. Guys like to be touched. You should try it. On the arm. Not the knee or leg. That's a bit too forward.
Of course you're special!
I wish that once in a while you YSAs would come and tour a "family ward". Look around at us Old People. We're not hotties. We're not intimidating. We're just people. Shy. Awkward. Not as funny or as fit as we think we are. Or as we once were. We're balding and wrinkly and our shape is not the best it's ever been. But guess what? Most of us are married. To someone who we think is pretty dang special. And who thinks we're special, too.
So stop being so down on yourself.
Chin up!
Love who you are.
The Lord does.
So should you!
Now go out there and Be Kind and Be of Service to others.
And touch the occasional dude's arm, and smile at him while you ask him sincere questions about himself.
It does wonders.
- Bro Jo
Monday, April 9, 2018
Pre-Wedding Temptations and Things to Talk About
Dear Bro Jo,
I have been reading posts on your blog for a while now and I have come to appreciate your honest advice about dating and how we should act in relationships, thus I have a few questions to ask.
A little background: I am a 24 yr old gal and I am currently dating a 22 year old guy who I think is the bomb-diggity, so much so that we are planning on getting married in September. We have been dating for five months and both agreed that a short-ish engagement would be best(three months tops).
We are both RMs and actually both entered the MTC the same day(we never met until after our missions though). My fiancé actually told me that his interest in me began based on how much he felt like I loved my mission (I'm a talker). So really we started out really well, and it keeps getting better.
He chose to forego a running career at a four year out of state university because he wanted to be with me, it took a lot of thinking and prayers, but ultimately he chose me, and I am so grateful because I would not have been a happy camper. We also try to read the book of Mormon and pray together often, and as much as we would rather be together we still attend all our church meetings and extra YSA stuff regularly.
Anyway, recently, well not super recently, we have had a few more heated make out sessions, but ultimately we always stop before going too far and have begun to establish some pretty set rules, which we both recognize are essential. We recognize our triggers and seek to avoid them. He is always very respectful and I am so grateful for it. Although we are pretty good about being good, I have begun to recognize that we both think about our upcoming honeymoon . . . a lot.
And we both recognize that we should probably have a talk about expectations and feelings, etc, but we both don't really know what to talk about or how to start that conversation. So that's the first concern, how and when should we talk about our future relations with each other and what should we even talk about? What would be most appropriate?
My second concern goes along with it.
Since the age of 13 I have struggled with pornography and self-stimulation. I did not speak to my Bishop until I was preparing for a mission, and mostly because the guilt was so all-consuming that I felt that I would not be able to serve.
So glad that I talked to him though because my mission was the best thing I ever chose to do!
I still mess up occasionally, but I know what to do and I strive to avoid triggers, etc. so now to my point (sorry for the long windedness), I don't know if/how/when I should tell my fiancé that I have struggled with this.
I feel like I know a lot about how things work because of my experiences(albeit skewed) and I feel like he doesn't know a lot, and I don't want to be the forward one, although I tend to be anyway.
Yeah, I guess there's not much of a question there, but more of a concern of what to do about it all, because ultimately I don't want to keep secrets. He is my best friend, and I have told him a lot about me that not many others know.
My relationship with him is the greatest blessing in my life and I don't want to hurt him or lose him.
Any advice you could give would be wonderful, and a few extra engagement rules wouldn't hurt either...as good as we are, this summer is going to be a long one.
Thanks in advance,
- Concerned
Dear Concerned,
When a couple enters that period of time where marriage and it's eventually become a regularly discussed topic then yes, these types of things need to be talked about. Preferably before any proposals are offered or accepted.
Many general rule of thumb is this:
If you have something in your life that is keeping you from being temple worthy then by all means talk to the Bishop right away
If you've repented of something in your past that at that time kept you from being temple worthy, or if you're currently working on something with priesthood authority, share it with your significant other but do so by leading with your testimony of the Savior and His Atonement.
Remember three things:
1) your need to share does not obligate them to hear everything, nor does it require that you tell all the intimate details
2) no one needs to, nor should, know every single thing about a person before they marry them.
3) communication is the key to any long-term relationship; a big part of that is learning how, when, and what to share
Your willingness to open up to him is a sign of love and trust. He may be open to hearing everything; he may not. Just as you are not required to be specific, he is not required to hear all there is to tell.
The point is that you both need to be able to Trust each other with important personal things but at the same time respect each other's boundaries.
Does that make sense?
Now, regarding the fooling around ...
We have been wisely counseled not to do anything that sexually arouses ourselves or the person we're with ... until we're married. (Then it's not only allowed, it's encouraged! Heck, I argue that it's required.)
That means you two have reached a point where you probably shouldn't be alone in dark, non-public places anymore.
No sofa cuddling. No blankets. No parking. No alone in the dark.
There's no such thing as "we're being careful" when it comes to not crossing a line. Once a train is going 100 miles an hour you can't just hit he brakes and expect it to stop in time.
Take it from someone with seven children: the distance between making out and making babies is not nearly as far as you may think.
If need, get a chaperone.
Everything you're feeling is good and great and wonderful ... it just needs to wait a little longer.
Your wedding is just a couple months away. You can wait.
And if you can't ... well ... you can always move the date up. By a month. Or two.
God bless you both,
- Bro Jo
I have been reading posts on your blog for a while now and I have come to appreciate your honest advice about dating and how we should act in relationships, thus I have a few questions to ask.
A little background: I am a 24 yr old gal and I am currently dating a 22 year old guy who I think is the bomb-diggity, so much so that we are planning on getting married in September. We have been dating for five months and both agreed that a short-ish engagement would be best(three months tops).
We are both RMs and actually both entered the MTC the same day(we never met until after our missions though). My fiancé actually told me that his interest in me began based on how much he felt like I loved my mission (I'm a talker). So really we started out really well, and it keeps getting better.
He chose to forego a running career at a four year out of state university because he wanted to be with me, it took a lot of thinking and prayers, but ultimately he chose me, and I am so grateful because I would not have been a happy camper. We also try to read the book of Mormon and pray together often, and as much as we would rather be together we still attend all our church meetings and extra YSA stuff regularly.
Anyway, recently, well not super recently, we have had a few more heated make out sessions, but ultimately we always stop before going too far and have begun to establish some pretty set rules, which we both recognize are essential. We recognize our triggers and seek to avoid them. He is always very respectful and I am so grateful for it. Although we are pretty good about being good, I have begun to recognize that we both think about our upcoming honeymoon . . . a lot.
And we both recognize that we should probably have a talk about expectations and feelings, etc, but we both don't really know what to talk about or how to start that conversation. So that's the first concern, how and when should we talk about our future relations with each other and what should we even talk about? What would be most appropriate?
My second concern goes along with it.
Since the age of 13 I have struggled with pornography and self-stimulation. I did not speak to my Bishop until I was preparing for a mission, and mostly because the guilt was so all-consuming that I felt that I would not be able to serve.
So glad that I talked to him though because my mission was the best thing I ever chose to do!
I still mess up occasionally, but I know what to do and I strive to avoid triggers, etc. so now to my point (sorry for the long windedness), I don't know if/how/when I should tell my fiancé that I have struggled with this.
I feel like I know a lot about how things work because of my experiences(albeit skewed) and I feel like he doesn't know a lot, and I don't want to be the forward one, although I tend to be anyway.
Yeah, I guess there's not much of a question there, but more of a concern of what to do about it all, because ultimately I don't want to keep secrets. He is my best friend, and I have told him a lot about me that not many others know.
My relationship with him is the greatest blessing in my life and I don't want to hurt him or lose him.
Any advice you could give would be wonderful, and a few extra engagement rules wouldn't hurt either...as good as we are, this summer is going to be a long one.
Thanks in advance,
- Concerned
Dear Concerned,
When a couple enters that period of time where marriage and it's eventually become a regularly discussed topic then yes, these types of things need to be talked about. Preferably before any proposals are offered or accepted.
Many general rule of thumb is this:
If you have something in your life that is keeping you from being temple worthy then by all means talk to the Bishop right away
If you've repented of something in your past that at that time kept you from being temple worthy, or if you're currently working on something with priesthood authority, share it with your significant other but do so by leading with your testimony of the Savior and His Atonement.
Remember three things:
1) your need to share does not obligate them to hear everything, nor does it require that you tell all the intimate details
2) no one needs to, nor should, know every single thing about a person before they marry them.
3) communication is the key to any long-term relationship; a big part of that is learning how, when, and what to share
Your willingness to open up to him is a sign of love and trust. He may be open to hearing everything; he may not. Just as you are not required to be specific, he is not required to hear all there is to tell.
The point is that you both need to be able to Trust each other with important personal things but at the same time respect each other's boundaries.
Does that make sense?
Now, regarding the fooling around ...
We have been wisely counseled not to do anything that sexually arouses ourselves or the person we're with ... until we're married. (Then it's not only allowed, it's encouraged! Heck, I argue that it's required.)
That means you two have reached a point where you probably shouldn't be alone in dark, non-public places anymore.
No sofa cuddling. No blankets. No parking. No alone in the dark.
There's no such thing as "we're being careful" when it comes to not crossing a line. Once a train is going 100 miles an hour you can't just hit he brakes and expect it to stop in time.
Take it from someone with seven children: the distance between making out and making babies is not nearly as far as you may think.
If need, get a chaperone.
Everything you're feeling is good and great and wonderful ... it just needs to wait a little longer.
Your wedding is just a couple months away. You can wait.
And if you can't ... well ... you can always move the date up. By a month. Or two.
God bless you both,
- Bro Jo
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