A Guy Asks About "The Kiss on the Doorstep"

Dear Bro Jo,

I've been a regular reader of your page for a number of years now and love your insights, but have never really gotten around to asking you a question myself.

Most of my questions are already answered by your pretty consistent responses to others' questions, but I don't think I've run into the answer to this one before, so I'll give it a shot.

I think I've seen you write that a peck kiss on the porch after a casual group date, with the parents opening the door any minute (how embarrassing), is fine and that leaving the teen years no longer a member of the virgin lips club is pretty normal.

Personally, I just don't know how that can happen and things still stay casual and drama free.

I've heard John Bytheway talk about "what kisses mean" and how guys and girls interpret them differently, with they guy usually thinking, "Wow, so this is what it feels like. I'd like to try this again in the near future!" and the girl usually thinking, "Aww, he cares for me! He really likes me! Aww!" (paraphrasing).

He goes on to talk about the emotional confusion that ensues about what the kiss meant to each party and the possible resulting heartache.

Now, as a 17 year old guy no longer in the VLC (old drama, gotten over and worked out by now, partly with your indirect help), I think I can agree that he is pretty accurate with that statement.

Given that, I wonder if adding a goodnight kiss to a good casual group date kinda takes the word "casual" out of the equation?

No matter the virtue of the two teens, I think you can pretty much simplify the situation to the guy wanting some lip action and therefore the girl thinking he wants to be her "special friend" (or even the other way around or some form of the two feelings).

Am I old fashioned about kisses or just missing something?

No big drama here, just wondering.

Thanks,

[Insert Anonymous Name Here]




Dear Pseudonymous,

I always find the phrase "Old Fashioned" a bit of a misnomer. It implies that no one now (or very few people) share one's opinion or values; that those values are "out dated", and the truth is: that's almost never the case.

I get called "Old Fashioned" all the time, especially regarding my stance on saving sex for marriage . . . as if Living Together or Premarital Sex are New Ideas . . . which, of course, they're not.

I think Bytheway is a Good Guy; very funny.

John and I don't always see eye-to-eye on everything, but to be honest, I'm not even sure he knows I exist. 

Our motivations are very similar, I think, but our perspectives are quite different.

For example, while I think much of what you (and JB) have said about kissing is true, I also find that the opposite can be true.

Kissing can certainly introduce drama, drive out the casual, imply commitment, and make hormones ignite.

It can also be seen as simple, sweet, natural, and nice but not a big deal, and fun. And, while I'm the King of Simplification, experience (and 100,000 readers) has taught me that those attitudes are not easily categorized into "guys think this" and "girls think this".

I worry that simple things (like dating, holding hands, short hugs and simple kisses) have been injected with an unhealthy dose of fear, which I believe is contributing to one of the biggest not-mentioned-often-enough problems we have in the Church right now: the proliferation of unmarried 30+ year olds.

(I also think using "fear of the opposite sex" to try and keep our children "morally clean" is a contributing factor to some of the pornography problems we have. I believe that we should be teaching about boundaries and sacredness, AND that our feelings are natural and we can express them within limits in healthy ways.)

To your question: does a "kiss goodnight" take Casualness out of the equation?

It can.

But it doesn't have to.

Here's one way that a kiss might happen and the date still be "casual":

"So . . . I really want to kiss you goodnight, but I'm worried that if I do you'll think this is more serious than it should be. What do you think?"

 Corny, perhaps, but effective.

Communication, my brother, is so often the key.

Of course, she may lie to you, saying that she won't take it that way, but then she will . . . but that's the risk we take. I just happen to think it's worth the risk.

- Bro Jo