Seeing the Goal, Not the Obstacle

Dear Bro Jo,

So a lot has happened since our last communication. You don't need to upload the last one, I don't think that has anything of value to anyone else.

But I do want to update you on what's going on now. I think I'm finally getting it.

Bro Jo, it's been over TWO YEARS since I last was worthy to take the sacrament. That also means it’s been TWO YEARS since I've been worthy to go to the temple. I'm no longer dating that guy my parents hated. I broke up with him.

I started dating the RM guy my parents loved, but I couldn't handle that. I had a huge brain malfunction and did some severely stupid things which came to the very open attention of my parents, who rightly stripped me of my rights at home.

I was angry and in my anger wanted to move out so I could "do whatever I wanted" without reprimand.

After all, I'm old enough. I'm legal to do anything I want (except run for president I'm still too young for that).

However, this week I pulled out some of my old journals and scripture study journals and I cried reading them because in them I found out how long it's been since I've taken the sacrament and how my attitude hasn't really changed much... but I think I'm starting to get it through my thick skull.

Bro Jo, I feel awful. I want to fix myself so I can feel welcome at Church things and welcome around my friends who are spiritually in a better place than I am.

Because right now I don't feel welcome. I feel awkward and weird. I know it's my spirit feeling inadequate. I know what to do to change things, and I've started (I still need to see my Bishop...it's that big of a deal what I did most recently) doing those things -reading, praying daily, keeping my thoughts clean, things like that.

But I'm scared I'll fail again.

It always seems to happen..when I'm either feeling close to being worthy enough or when I'm just starting to come back...I do something stupid that spirals me back to hell.

I know it's better to be a mile headed away from hell than a mile headed away from heaven, but I don't want to be so close to hell anymore.

I read a talk by Boyd K Packer I had journaled about and it hit me differently now than it did then, which is a cool feeling because that's how I feel when I read the Scriptures or my pat blessing.

Anyway, I felt hopeful after reading it, but reality still scares me.

How can I make my reality the same as the reality that president packer talks about when he says things like repentance is like detergent, even the most set in stains come out..?

Love,

Seeking an alternate reality




Dear Seeking,

You're an adult, you know Exactly what you need to do.

It's time to stop making excuses, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop punishing yourself.

When Christ says that forgiveness is His, and that of us it's required to forgive everybody, that includes ourselves.

We Deserve His joy, love and happiness, but we need to seek it, we need to seek Him.

Go to Church.

Talk to your Bishop.

Do those things that you know you need to do.

And don't procrastinate; two years is too long. 

As for falling again . . . you're reminding me of two things. The Jo Boys are Pole Vaulters (a sickness they inherited from their father and grandfather). While it's a very physical event, it's also very mental. The key is to visualize yourself Over the Bar; if, as you're running down towards the pit you focus on the bar, you often hit it. What we focus on is what we achieve. If we see ourselves going over, or overcoming, then we can; if we see ourselves not making it over the standard, then we don't make it.

The other is a Vince Lombardi quote: “The greatest accomplishment is not in ever falling, but in rising again after you fall”.   We all fall.  We all have doubts.  We all struggle.  Sure, not with the same things, but that's how life goes.

Rise up!

You're a Good Person.  You've just, as you've said, lost your way.  You have the map.  And you know which way to go.  Go get the joy that you deserve!

Make the call.

Good luck, and Godspeed,

- Bro Jo

PS:  You may not FEEL welcome, but I assure you that you are.  Satan wants you to feel that way, to keep you lonely and thinking that others don't love you but, of course they do!