Dear Bro Jo,
Since I last wrote you I've been ballroom dancing and country dancing with this guy.
He is a great dancer and very patient with yours truly, who is learning. He has asked me, I have not asked him as of yet, but we just met there, so it wasn't strictly a date.
Also, he has a good female friend who he spends quite a bit of time with and they have fun and he dances with her a lot. I asked her tonight while he was gone whether they're in any kind of a non-serious to serious relationship. She said emphatically no. I dug a little deeper and asked whether she would if he wanted her to.
She said if he considered it she'd consider it, but when I asked if he was considering it, she said definitely not, again. I thought I got across the message that it was a private conversation and left, feeling pretty much over the moon that I'm in the clear as far as that's concerned. But they left early, together, and now I'm wondering if she might not just happen to mention something about the conversation or me liking him on their friendly walk home in the moonlight.
I realize that she probably didn't say anything, but there's always the possibility... and just today I was reading one of your columns where you said not to let the guy know you like him until after he's asked you out at least once.
So if Female Friend let the cat out of the bag, and My Guy feels awkward around me the next time we meet, what do I do?
I can't deny that I like him, but can I kind of neutralize the situation so that he feels that he's in control?
I really, really don't want to let this guy go out of any carelessness on mine or anyone else's part, but I'm worried. I really would like this relationship to work out if at all possible.
We are a lot alike and I'm in love.
~Working It Out
Dear Working,
Let me clarify: you shouldn't go up to a guy who's never asked you out and say "hey, we hardly know each other, but I really like you"; but there's nothing wrong with a mutual friend going up to a guy and saying "hey, my friend really likes you; you should ask her out".
Nor is there anything wrong with going up to a guy you know and saying "hey, you should ask me on a date".
The difference is subtle.
I think you made a mistake by "hanging out" (showing up where he happened to be with another girl, even though you were invited). It may help a bit that his "girl-buddy" made the same mistake (I think he's in love with her, or could be, by the way).
I think the next time he invites you somewhere you need to say "are you asking me out on a date?". If he says "yes", make sure he Plans, Picks up and Pays. If he says "no", then you should politely decline the invitation.
And move on.
If he doesn't extend any kind of invitation in the next week, I'd hit him with "so . . . are you ever going to ask me on a date?"
In-love or not, if he's not smart enough to be interested (and there-by take you on dates), then you're wasting your time.
Good luck!
(And let me know how it goes!)
- Bro Jo
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