Her "Ideal" Guy? - Part 2 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry to have scared you with the whole 'friends with benefits', sex is definitely NOT what I meant.

Sex in NOT in plans - AT ALL.

Making out with him not as boyfriend/girlfriend is what I call friends with benefits, because I do have morals, I promise!

The difference with me and him is we've been friends for 3 years, so the whole college/high school thing isn't such a big deal. With that said, I know he doesn't live up to what my mom and dad wants for me, and I know I can't change him -  but somehow even after your reply, I feel like maybe he would change when he actually grows up. He doesn't necessarily have a problem with drinking; he just parties on weekends - not even every weekend - like a regular college kid. No, I'm not okay with that, but partying in (a non-LDS) college is kind of regular, especially around here.

I know I sound horrible, like I'm okay with what does or I'm making excuses for the things he does - but since we've been friends for years and I know what he went through, I kind of just brush off the bad things he does.

I'm confused with my feelings; I know what I should and shouldn't do.

I've always been 'serious' about dating, I'm not sure why, but casual dating, I'm sure, isn't a bad idea!

Thank you for replying, it really means a lot that someone is there for me.

- NW




Dear Bro Jo,

Well I don't know, NW; I'm not sure that I would define "making out without commitment" (or NiCMO, as it's called at the Y) as "having morals".

I'm glad that when it comes to "friends with benefits" you're naive instead of slutty, but you are absolutely making excuses.  For him and for you.

You can care for someone without ignoring the bad stuff they do; your quickness to look the other way, especially given your reasons why, is not good.  Neither is your attitude of "well, that's just what people do around here".  One of the quotes I have on my office wall is from Michelangelo:  "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark".

I'm afraid not of sinful behavior, but that you dear little sister, are setting your standards too low.  You are worth more than you give yourself credit for.  We're taught to love the sinner, but hate the sin, and I think that if you don't change your failure to do the latter, you're going to be in more trouble than you want.  It's the little things that matter.  Sometimes that's because, unchecked, they're the gateway to the bigger things.

I have no problem with a quick kiss good night or goodbye after one has Casually Group Dated someone for three or more dates, or perhaps on a special occasion (like a birthday or holiday), but making out should be saved for after one is out of high school and in a committed relationship, preferably with someone that is a serious Temple Marriage prospect.

I think you're allowing your hormones to cloud your judgment.  You're not alone; we all do it or have done it.  But I think its past time for you to gain some self mastery.

Casual Group Dating IS a great idea!  (If I do say so myself.)  And let's be honest, you've not been "dating", you've been (my oldest daughter uses air quotes when she says this) in "relationships".  Dating, little sister, is when a guy makes a plan, picks up, and pays (if he's dating correctly, and you're not letting him off too easy).  When someone jumps into a bad relationship, regardless of their age, it's because they're trying to fill some gap; usually it's because they're struggling with their sense of self-worth, and they mistakenly believe that being "with someone" bestows them with value.

It doesn't.

Our value comes from Heavenly Father and his love for us, not from the admiration of others.

One more thing.  You may hate to hear this, but it's true:  this guy doesn't love you.  Regardless of what he may say.  Why?  How do I know?

Because no man loves a woman he doesn't respect, and you can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.

We can't expect to be respected when we drop our standards for others and ourselves.

I know that as a Daughter of God you have great individual worth!

Always here for you,

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for the reality check, I needed it.

Thanks for reminding me of my worth, I needed that more.

This whole thing that you're doing for not only, but everyone, is great. I especially appreciate it.

Bro Jo, you're awesome.

Thanks again. :)

- NW




Dear NW,

Any time.

Cheers,

- Bro Jo