Please give the lovely Sister Jo a hug for me.
On the topic of pride, I think I have too much of it, and am trying to decide if it is just getting in my way of having healthy communications with other people.
I went on another date with someone new. He seemed nice enough, albeit weird, but I figured the random tap dance moves, bursting into song, and asking random questions about politics were just first date nervousness, and that I just need to give first impressions the benefit of the doubt.
But now I somehow have the feeling that a second date will not be happening. He said he enjoyed the date, but in subsequent attempts to have a conversation, he would answer in triple syllables once and then leave me hanging. This induces rolling in my eyes, so I just chalk it up to practice and move on, I suppose.
However, pondering the subject last night and I came to the conclusion that I'm having difficulty moving on with my love life.
I have a plethora of psychological and personality disorders.
I've been coping with the majority of my life, but the diagnosis is very recent. It became very serious last November to the point that I needed to be hospitalized for a couple weeks in a psychiatric ward for my own safety because of how severe my depression was. This was right in the middle of all the weirdness with Felix, and he found out where I'd disappeared to, and I don't know. I think it just sealed the deal, because he tried to avoid me and beat around the bush until I told him to stop being such a pansy and tell me straight out what was on his mind.
He wasn't interested.
Then afterwards, I hadn't talked to him much because I needed some time to process, and was very busy with my therapy, I texted him to wish him a merry Christmas, and he made a comment that implied that I was being a brat and that I had finally come to my senses and ended the silent treatment, which I hadn't started in the first place.
I pointed this out, as well as the fact that he didn't even try to contact me once during this time frame, so he needed to keep his big, egotistical mouth shut. And then a few weeks later after he started school he told me how much he enjoyed it, and told me I should not procrastinate in going back to school, because sitting around stagnant wasn't getting me anywhere.
I work full time at the hospital with a very physically and emotionally draining job, and was trying to learn coping measures, as well as trying to help my parents because my dad is very sick and had been in and out of the hospital for months, with the possibility that my mom might call me and tell me that I need to help plan a funeral because my dad didn't make it through the night before I had a chance to build my relationship with him.
Naturally, this idiotic, but well-meaning comment hit me the wrong way, and I let him know that with a retort that was a little more scathing than I am proud to admit. (I did apologize for that, by the way.) And then it happened again a few weeks later.
And then my attempt at dating has been a disaster, from accidentally getting involved with a full-blown predator, to having multiple flops from either their lack of interest or my loss of interest.
With Felix incredulous and disapproving, mocking my dating methods, because "we are still friends." I sometimes would like to tell him that his girlfriend looks like she is ten years old, and it's good to see that trophy wife mentality starts at a young age, but that isn't very nice and my parents didn't raise me that way, so I keep my mouth shut.
My issue with this whole thing is that we were pretty good friends in high school, and he knew about my diagnosis from the beginning. I'm upset with him because I feel a sense of betrayal from that, because he went from, being my friend to this big-headed, cryptic bozo, and when I try to find out what happened, he never gives me a straight answer. He wants to know every detail in my life and put his opinion into everything, but he clams up about himself. It's very frustrating. Not that I'm still interested in dating him, but because he was such a good friend in the past, I feel like I am obsessed with the need for closure, so I can understand his reasoning for acting as such, because I sometimes feel like a side attraction in a Cirque De Freak show when it comes to him, and it is making it extremely difficult for me to let it go and move on. And I don't know how to communicate this, or if I even should.
Your thoughts? Should I sit him down, as a friend, and tell him why this new attitude bothers me? Should I ask him to explain his behavior towards me? Obviously I can't get a straight, honest answer over the phone, but if I shut my mouth and look expectantly at him long enough, I can usually get him to crack. Or should I leave it alone, and hope that in a few years it will only be an unpleasant memory and I'll be able to move on with my life?
Yes, this probably sounds juvenile and I should just relax and stop worrying about it. But this is something I struggle with, not a new trend, and it is a tender subject, and it still stings like a booger. And it makes me want to run with my tail between my legs and hide from any prospective dating material, because I'm tired of feeling like my time and energy is being wasted, because my opinion doesn't matter, and how I feel is a subject that is trampled on repeatedly.
Sorry I continue to pester you over such things, but it does sometimes get me to laugh at myself, which is helpful. Thank you for that.
- Squashed Bug
Dear Bug,
I'm always here to hear your stories and share in your trials and challenges.
Remember: I dated lots of different girls, and had many girlfriends . . . (that's not bragging, by the way - it means I was not great at this whole Dating and Relationships thing, AND - believe me - I got dumped . . .A LOT!) and ALL of those ended in disaster!
Except the last one.
(And even the Future Sister Jo broke up with me . . . more than once.)
The point is: never give up, never surrender!
You matter. Your opinion matters.
Keep laughing!
- Bro Jo
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