Real Friends

Dear Bro Jo,

I know that this isn't a dating question but I am hoping you can give me some of you great advice.

Here is the problem:  I'm perceived as smart, at least among my peers at school, (I really don't mean to sound as though I am arrogant about my intellect, I just really love to learn and am gifted with the ability of retaining knowledge easily. I know there are a bunch of people, in my grade, who are smarter than I am) and am often asked for help to study, finish projects and proofread papers. I didn't mind doing this most of the time because I love it when the people I help come and tell me how well they did on whatever I helped them with. it has reached the point where I'm known only as "tutor girl" which is mildly depressing. Actually, I hate it. I HATE the fact that I only have "friends" when term papers are due. More and more I wish that just like most of the girls at my school who are so sweet, and cute, even if they aren't the brightest star in the sky.

Part of the problem might reside in the fact that I was in private school until my freshman year and when I entered public school I still had the mentality of my old school which was thoroughly competitive when it came to academics. So I answered way too many questions in class. Also most of my classes for my first 2 years were with upperclassmen, so that set me apart more.

I have done everything I can to try and get friends. I have tried to throw get-togethers at my house, ice-cream bars and bbq's, so people could get to know me outside of a school setting. No one really came to them. I have shut up and stopped asking questions in class (much to some teachers confusion). Is there anything else that I can do? or do I have to wait 58 weeks until I graduate to get a fresh start and a new chance with friends?

Signed -
Wishing I was "Blonde" (I know this is a stereotype but it suits my purpose)


Dear Wishing,

So here comes all the hate mail from my light-haired readers . . .

(Have I told you guys that Sister Jo was blonde when we met? She also insisted that everyone call her “Sunny”, which is NOT her name, but that’s a story for perhaps another day . . .)

The column is about relationships, and friendships certainly fall in that category, so I think your letter is appropriate.

I understand the desire to have many friends, and I agree that it’s heart-breaking to have a get-together and not have many people show . . .

The Jo Kids have thrown MANY movie parties; sometimes they’re well attended, sometimes not. Sometimes kids seem to come because it’s the “in” thing that weekend; sometimes they show because they want their parents to think they’re better kids than they are; sometimes kids don’t come because they think “losers” will be in attendance, and they don’t want to be associated with “that group”. Some kids really aren’t available to come; some kids’ parents won’t let them attend; and some kids are just really weird (read “snobby”) about stuff like that. Regardless of who comes or not, we always choose to have a good time.

And, if you’ll allow me to boast for just a minute, my kids are what you’d expect “popular” kids to be, considering that they aren’t mean, don’t drink, and try hard to follow the prophet. They get good grades, play sports, go to all their Church activities, serve in student government, and are pretty decent to other people.

But like you, Wishing, and all of the readers of this column, they’re discovering some very important things about Friendship.

Most importantly they’re discovering that being “popular” often really equates with being “mean”, and that having a large group of friends isn’t nearly as valuable as having one or two really good ones.

Go back to being who you are: answer all the classroom questions you want (but be sensitive to the fact that other people like to answer questions too – that may be the best way for them to learn – so give them a chance).

Keep having get-togethers, but worry less about whether or not a large crowd attends. Focus instead on getting to know better the few people that do attend.

When I was in High School I actually had a guy, we would have labeled him a “wanna-be-jock”, come up to me and tell me that I wasn’t as popular as I should be because some of the people I chose as friends weren’t “cool” enough. I was Athletic and Social so I was expected to be part of THAT group. He said that if I dropped them as friends that I would get invited to more parties and, most persuasive, that a very pretty, very popular, girl that I liked had said that she’d be interested in me if I wasn’t always surrounding myself with “geeks”.

Very tempting indeed.

But I decided that I didn’t want to be friends with anyone that was so superficial. Through Facebook I’ve reunited with some of those “geek’ friends that I had then; they’re successful, well married (and getting married) and have good families. I’m lucky to still call them friends.

If it makes you feel good to continue helping people with their grades, by all means do so.

Yes, you may have to wait 58 weeks, or even longer, to find those life-long friends that we all need. This might also give you a stronger testimony of the value of being close to your family. For now, keep your chin up, keep doing what you’re doing socially, but focus more on finding a Few Good Friends.

If you can stand a quote, which I think applies here:

“there are many called, but few are chosen, and why are they not chosen? Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world”

- Bro Jo