To Pair or Not To Pair

Dear Bro Jo,

I love this! You have such great advice for everyone. We’ll have to agree to disagree on some things, but isn’t that what agency and democracy are about?

Anyway, I have a situation. There’s a young man I really like- well, it’s mutual, actually. I’m 17, and he’s 16- turning 17 next week (as I write this). My dilemma isn’t whether to date him or not. The story is a long one. Sufficeth to say that we discussed the matter right after his 16th birthday last year and decided not to steady date or “go out together”. There was a couple week lapse a few months ago where we started to get involved with each other (nothing too serious), but again, details aren’t really necessary. It was brought to a halt, and we’ve just been good friends since. I’ve been on a couple group dates without him, and he’s had a date or two.

My predicament is more about how I feel. Almost all of my friends (from school) have paired off with each other. Even a handful of the priests in my ward have girlfriends. There are a lot of other kids my age who have paired off in great relationships. My own sister (who is younger than me and not 16 yet) has a boyfriend. I basically see happy couples everywhere I go, and it sometimes really gets to me. I’m on this roller coaster ride where sometimes I’m ok just being friends with the guy I like and other times I want more from our friendship, and at those times, I get really down because I know I can’t have it. There’s a part of me that does want it.

I know now isn’t the time for either of us to do any serious dating. I have to prepare for college, and he needs to get ready for his mission. I know my feelings of attraction are natural and right. I know that after we graduate next year, we may never see each other again. I understand that some things just have to wait, but it doesn’t stop the sadness from coming when things start going downhill. I know the chances of anything really happening between us (after his mission) are slim to none, but I haven’t dismissed the idea, either. How do I over come the roller coaster of ups and downs so that I can be content with being just friends with this guy?

Sincerely,

Junior Gal in (withheld)

P.S. Can you with hold my city/state? Thanks!


Dear Junior Miss,

Yes I can (and, as you can see, I did!).

Ah, To Pair or Not To Pair . . . THAT is the question!

Whether it is nobler in the heart to suffer as your friends all get boyfriends while you stand idly by, listening to the advice of Church leadership . . .

Actually, I’ve never read a revelation or heard in a conference talk that the word is from On-High that ye who art in High School ought not have boyfriends and girlfriends . . . it may be out there some where, but I don’t remember it . . .

It is, however, implied, particularly when the pamphlets talk about “limited casual dating”.

I’ve said it (and written it), A LOT!

And here’s why:

The purpose of dating is to find a spouse. That’s why your great grandparents used to call it “courting”; because it lead to “courtship”.

But you can’t just wake up one day, realize you’re 22 and go out and get married. The skills that are required to find a good spouse take practice. Since we don’t want you married at 15, we’ve created ways for you to be social, and practice those skills so that you’ll be ready when you’re the appropriate age.

(Bro Jo doesn’t believe that there’s only one person out there for you, LOTS of PEOPLE out there would make pretty good spouses for Lots of People)

Thus we wait to date until we’re 16 and we Casual Date from then until After High School for Girls and Post Mission for Boys.

It’s natural to want to pair off, especially for girls. Can I tell you that I think it’s hormonal? I mean that in the best possible, scientific, way. A girl is “capable” of creating life typically by 12 or 14 (some even younger, much to Bro Jo’s horror – his oldest daughter is almost at that age – some older), so I think that, Physiologically Speaking, since the body is “ready” the heart and mind are pulled in that direction, too.

So, if it’s “Natural”, why is it a bad idea?

Because there’s a lot more to consider about raising a family than just the fact that the chemicals are there!

I don’t believe that one should put off marriage and family (in that order!) because of money, work or school (as long as we’re talking college, not High School), but I do believe that one should be at a point in life where they’re ready to commit to the work that’s necessary to support and raise children.

“But Bro Jo! We’re not talking about having babies! We’re just talking about having a Steady Date!”

I’m sure that’s true.

But ask yourself, just exactly what is the romantic status of the girls who are getting pregnant in your High School? Very shy? Never had a Boyfriend??  Really???

The point is this, my young friends: having a “Steady Date” (or a Boyfriend, or a Girlfriend) indicates a relationship; a relationship that inherently has familiarity. You know how it works: the longer a couple is a couple the closer they get to coupling.

I still remember a scene from an old “Happy Days” episode. The oldest boy is complaining about his date curfew to his father. Trying to justify staying out later, he says “Dad, there’s nothing I can do after midnight that I can’t do before midnight”. His father replies “Richie, I know it takes until 10:30 pm for a boy to get up the courage to hold a girl’s hand. That’s why you’re going to be home at 11:00”.

Look, JM, I’m not saying your sister is evil because she has a boyfriend, but watch her. Watch all of the kids at school. The older they get, the more familiar they are with the whole Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing, the faster their relationships progress (typically), but the progression is the same: we start by holding hands, then we may kiss briefly goodbye, then we start hanging on each other a bit, then we kiss a lot. . .

All of this is stuff you know.

Take comfort in this: when you leave for college it will be without the entanglements of a “serious” relationship. You’ll be prepared to start fresh as you enter that exciting new phase of your life that includes school, and some more serious relationships. You’ll be able to take comfort in the fact that you made it through the traumatic and dramatic years of High School without having to deal with any blow-out break-ups.

And you’ll never really be “friends” with this guy. The potential for the relationship to be something more will hang out there until it no longer becomes a possibility. Maybe you’ll date each other, maybe you won’t. The mystery is part of the fun!

Learn to enjoy the rollercoaster!

If it is meant to be, won’t it be better to discover that when you’re both ready for Serious Dating, rather than having wasted that level of the relationship when you both should be focusing on other things?

- Bro Jo