Grandpa's Eternal Marriage

Dear Bro Jo,

I've got a situation concerning my Grandpa and his new wife that I need your advice on.

My grandma (his first wife) passed away about four years ago. My grandpa didn't remarry until just a couple months ago. He met his now-wife in the temple (they're both temple workers). What's weird is that they didn't really date before they decided to get married; so they didn't really get to know each other. Their engagement was also short--only about two months. They got sealed in the temple and the rest of my family hoped it would work out.

It hasn't.

My grandpa wanted to serve a couple's mission with his wife--but she has no desire of doing so. My grandpa also has a cat that he told his wife about before they got married--she seemed fine about it--but now it turns out she's allergic. My grandpa also has a cabin in Utah that he likes to go to during the summer--his wife doesn't want to do that either.
Of course, these aren't the hugest problems in the world; it's not a crime if she doesn't want to serve a mission, has cat allergies, or doesn't like cabins. But the little things just keep building up.

Because she's allergic to the cat, my grandpa had to give away his cat, and now his wife wants to buy a new home because his home is full of cat hair. However, she wants to move across town into a nicer area--but it's the farthest away from the temple, and my grandpa is becoming a pretty poor driver; my family is worried for his safety. My grandpa is also having to buy all new furniture for their new home because the furniture from his house is "covered" in cat hair.

His wife met most of my family when they got married. However, since then, she hasn't wanted to do much with our family. She wouldn't come celebrate Easter with us. My grandpa usually goes out to lunch a few times a month with his sister--his wife won't join him. When my grandpa's previous in-laws (my grandma's brother and sister) came down to visit, his wife didn't want to meet them. My younger brother recently graduated from Seminary, and my grandpa came alone to the graduation--his wife wouldn't come.

My grandpa seems to be having a hard time in this marriage. He doesn't seem happy at all--and I know marriage isn't all roses and peaches, but you'd think eventually things would turn around.

From what my mom has said, it sounds like my grandpa's wife is now becoming emotionally abusive. She yells, and screams, and cusses at him. There is no happiness in this marriage whatsoever. My grandpa suggested marriage counseling or therapy, and his wife got mad and refused. It's gotten to the point where my grandpa is afraid of doing anything that may make her mad. He won't even go see the Bishop on his own, in fear that his wife may find out and get mad.

It seems as if this marriage is pulling my family apart. Most of them seem to really hate my grandpa's wife, and will complain and complain and complain about her. It makes me uncomfortable to hear my mom and sister say such mean things about a member of our family, especially when I overhear them on the phone talking about it with people outside of our family.

I think my grandpa is considering getting a divorce, and my family is right behind him. I think he's just getting a civil divorce, and not getting a temple sealing divorce. My mom said something about the Holy Spirit of Promise, and how it's unlikely that the Lord will make my grandpa stay with someone who makes him so unhappy in this life.

I'm not sure what to think. In some ways, I agree with my family. Yes, I want my grandpa to be happy, I don't want him to be miserable with this woman. But I took a Preparing for Eternal Marriage course in which I learned that divorce isn't necessarily the answer when it comes to marital problems. Part of me thinks it would be a poor example for my grandpa to set for his children, grandchildren, and now great-grandchildren to get a divorce when he made sacred, eternal covenants.

My grandpa is also hesitant to get divorced, because then he will not be allowed to be a sealer in the temple for five years. He loves serving in the temple and this would be hard on him.

What should I do? What should my family do? What should my grandpa do? Is divorce the answer? When is divorce the answer to marital problems?

Please help.

--Worried Granddaughter



Dear Worried Granddaughter,

First let me say that I'm impressed by how much you care for your Grandfather.

Secondly, I think (and I mean this with love) you and your family need to butt out of your Grandpa's business.

You're no more entitled to dictate his life and business than he is yours. Try showing a little support and respect.

Grandma died.

Grandpa doesn't want to be alone. Maybe he knew what he was getting into, maybe he didn't, but the man is old enough to make his own decisions and then live with the consequences, good or bad. If his marriage pulls your family apart that's your fault, not his, and not even his new wife's.

Marriage is about compromise, and your Grandfather gets that. You people are not helping him when you harp on him about what he's done and make him feel bad about his marriage. Stop telling him to see the Bishop. Stop gossiping about his spouse. Stop making assumptions.

Geez! Can you blame this woman for not wanting to be around you guys?!?

Stop sweating the small stuff, stop meddling, and show your Grandpa that you love him as much as you profess by finding things to like about the woman he has brought into all of your lives. After all the man has done for you, he's owed at least that.

Be the person that steps up and sets the example for the rest of the family. Love and kindness will go a long way. Grandpa will be a lot happier if all of you start acting like you're happy for him.

I'm not saying to be fake; I AM saying show forth an increase of love lest you be esteemed to be the enemy.

- Bro Jo

PS: There ARE legitimate reasons for divorce, in my mind, but as you said, divorce is rarely better than staying together, unless it ends abuse. For more of my take on that see "Bro Jo's FIVE A's of WHY NOT TO MARRY" -  - the same principles apply to divorce . . . IMHO.