Marriage Pressure

Dear Bro Jo,

When I was in Beehives, our activities at Mutual were ALWAYS centered around marriage. We tried on our mother’s wedding dresses, made wedding “planning” albums, hope chests (which we filled with various other crafts we completed throughout the year that we’d be able to use in our Future Home), etc. We never played sports like the guys; it was always about being a future wife.

To be honest, I always felt like that’s all my Bishop and leaders thought we were good for – being  housewives. I have nothing against being a mother at home, I think it’s a very honorable job, and I respect those mothers immensely. Many women in my family are full time mothers, I love and respect what they do not to mention the fact that mothering is SO much better than sending the children off to daycare.

It’s just that I felt like getting married at 18, right out of Young Women’s, was ALL my leaders felt we were here to do (as that is what many of them had done), and thus, they prepared us for it. We never played sports like the boys, we never played games, it was just making crafts for our future homes and learning to never put off marriage and children.

This is the way it has been for me since I was 12. Lessons in Young Women’s and Sunday School seemed to always revolve around marriage and babies. Don’t get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the opportunity that I have to be a wife and a mother someday. It’s just that I feel as if there is something wrong with me for being completely turned off by this supposed PUSH into getting married.

I mean . . . what’s the rush?

Why should I be getting married and having children while attending school? I fully respect the choices of those who choose to do so, but why is it recommended??

I’m 20 right now; I have an amazing boyfriend whom I’ve been dating for a ear. I love him; he’s the guy I want to be with for sure. Actually, we talk about marriage all the time. It’s just in the distant future when we both have money, and when we feel like it's a decent time. I understand that sex is one of the big
components of not waiting too long to get married. I’ve been there, I know what it’s like to go a little too far than I would have anticipated, but it’s the kind of thing I vow never to do again. I love my boyfriend very much, but I know that I can wait. I would rather wait for a good time to get married rather than rushing in just so that I can have all the sex I want.

And personally, I would prefer to have maybe two years, just me and my man, and to make some money, before we have kids. My point is, it always seems like in church and from Conference talks, us young ladies are always seemingly PRESSURED into getting married at a very young age and starting families immediately. At least that’s what I’m getting from it. Many firesides I attend practically scold some of us for still being single. Girls marry so young, and we’re told to never put off having a family, so the babies come right away.

Where I live, a girl will date a guy for about 3 months before they get engaged, they’ll have a 3 month engagement and that’s that. Girl will marry boy, they will have babies, and that’s their life. Is it wrong that I am turned off by this? And WHY is this suggested? Personally, rather than get married next year, I want to
travel, and I’ve always wanted to serve a mission.

Am I making any sense Bro. Jo? Is it wrong that I don’t want to get married right away? Is it wrong that I'm a little bit angry that we are always being pushed and prodded into finding our Eternal Companion NOW?

You are the Yoda of the YSA, and I could really use another opinion rather than my own stubbornness right now. I apologize for any repetition, but I am a little bit bitter about this topic so I tend to ramble.

Sincerely,

Bittersweet.

Dear Sweet,

Bitter and . . . a little delusional.

Even though I wasn’t there I can promise you that not EVERY Beehive activity was only about marriage. Come on! That’s 104 weeks, 25% were probably combined WITH the guys . . .

If you spent HALF the time talking about marriage and family then you had over 50 weeks a year doing something else.

And what about the other four-plus years?!?

The Church MIA program is set up to teach youth leadership skills with the kids typically doing most of the planning. If at any point you’d said “hey, can we play (fill in the blank)” I’m sure it would have happened. And it probably did.

I’ve seen the Personal Progress book and Young Women’s manuals; you covered a lot more than just marriage and family.

Hyperbole aside, let’s address your real issue: Fear.  You’re afraid to get married, afraid of having babies and afraid of the future.  That’s totally understandable. Heck, you’re only 20! Some people are ready to make Eternal commitments at your age, some think they are (and some of those are right, and some of those are wrong), and some just aren’t ready yet. Not a big deal.

The thing I’d like you to realize is that there’s nothing we can do to be totally prepared for everything that life will throw at us. So we make excuses. No matter how rational they may seem, that’s still what they are.
We say “I want to wait until I . . . (fill in the blank – am done with school, have more money, move, buy a house, fix my car, turn a certain age, have that mole removed, can tie my shoes with my eyes closed . . .)”. It’s all just talk. Life doesn’t magically become easier because we reach a particular bench mark or milestone. Sure, some things need to be done in a particular order, but there’s a difference between working towards something and making excuses not to do anything.

You’re not ready.

And that’s fine.

But can I suggest to you that the reason you feel pressured is INTERNAL?

In the Church we talk a lot about marriage and families, but no one with any authority has said “Hey, you! Sitting right there! Get to the Temple!”

That means that relief from that pressure will have to come from inside. And like a Testimony of anything, the answers are all the Primary ones (all the Good Answers are!) – prayer, scripture study, service . . .
I’m not saying that you’ll pray yourself into marriage readiness. What I’m saying is that you’ll feel a Comfort of Spirit of whatever your choices are as you grow closer unto the Savior.

I also think you may want to consider whether or not your Mr. Right is indeed the guy for you. The lack of urgency may mean the fit is comfortable, but not right. To paraphrase a movie I’ve borrowed from before “when you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right away”.

That’s why so many people have such short engagements.

(Which I endorse, by the way.)

Are you prepared to let him go?

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks, you make some good points.

I guess a lot of it is the YSA firesides. Honestly, we are always lectured on how we put off marriage for too long, and it really bothers me. I think we should get married when we're ready (I'm obviously not ready) and I fail to see where the pressure is going to help us.

As for Mr. Right....he is definitely Mr. Right. I just don't feel ready to get married right now, but that doesn't mean I have to let him go. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but the rest of my life doesn't necessarily mean I have to be married to live it. That's just me.

Bittersweet


Dear Sweet,

A lot of YSAs DO put off marriage for Far Too Long. Every point made in every fireside is not all about you . . .

But I submit to you that the fact that those things bothering you is very telling. It means something when someone is teaching and we take it as a Personal Pressure-causing Element in our lives. I frankly don't think anyone is pressuring you to do anything, but you clearly do. I think you'll benefit from discovering where inside you all this pressure is coming from.

There's no such thing as only one Mr. Right, and if you're not ready to commit and he is you very well may have to let him go.

This does not mean that you should rush to get married for fear of losing him.  When it's right for you, then move forward.  Only you can know if your fears are rational or not.

- Bro Jo