Wedding Stress

Dear Bro Jo,

I know that you usually deal with single teens and young adults, but....

Last September I met a young man at a part time job that I had and we started dating. He wasn't a member at the time, but had heard about the LDS church and liked what he had heard so he started to attend church with me and taking the discussions. We continued to date through out all of this and he was baptized in December. I never pushed him into any of this and I know that he wasn't doing this for me because if he had, he would have stopped going to church and fulfilling his callings after I left for BYU-Idaho in January. We talked and dating other people while we were apart didn't feel like the right thing to do, so our relationship became long distance.

In February, (with my father's permission) he came up to BYU-Idaho and asked me to be his wife. We had talked about all of this before I left too and after much prayer and fasting, I knew that if he asked me, I would say yes. So I did just that. We are waiting until December so that we can have our temple marriage.

Now comes the hard part with the questions. When he asked me to marry him, everything was financially fine at home, but since then, my father has had a work related injury that does not allow him to work. This injury has caused him to need two surgeries and while his work only paid for part of them, it drained my family of our savings. My mom is doing her best to support our family but they are living paycheck to paycheck.

I never wanted a huge reception or an expensive dress. I have found a simple dress that I love for $300.00 and I know that after a few weeks of working again when I return home, that I could order it if I really wanted. But now I am questioning whether having any of it, the reception or a dress, is worth any of it. I don't want to be a burden on my family because they need all the money that my mother can earn. When I do get a call from home, I don't feel the love and support from my family that my sister received for her wedding. I know that they love my fiancé, and they love me and want me to be married, but I don't feel supported when it comes to having the small reception that I want.

I have talked to my fiancé several times and he knows what is going on at home, and I am starting to consider getting sealed in the temple, then immediately leaving for our honeymoon, then when we come back after Christmas, having a small open house in in our home and invite people to stop by then. The other problem is that his mother and siblings are expecting a reception to attend to see the bride and groom. They aren't members and don't really understand temple weddings or the "Mormon Culture."

I feel so torn because no matter what we do or don't do in this situation, someone is going to be unhappy and hurt. I know that I can't please everyone, but I don't know what we should do.

Any advice for

The Bride-to-Be



Dear Bride-to-Be,

There are so many different possibilities and so many things that are expected and accepted by so many different cultures . . .

It's kind of difficult to say.

One of the beauties of Latter-day Saint Weddings and receptions is that they can be virtually costless.

The Temple is THE most beautiful place to ever have a marriage ceremony, and it's Free.

No problems there. (And "Congratulations!", by the way.)

And you could have a lovely reception in the Cultural Hall at Church or at someone's home . . .

I know, I know, many of you Young Sisters and Your Mothers . . . FREAK OUT about having the reception at Church. (Heck, there's a whole industry in Utah centered around alternate reception facilities, places that to me often look just like the Church, but aren't, because - IMHO - snobby Church members refuse to use the building the Good Lord has provided.) But free is free, and especially given the circumstances, a Very Good Idea.

Yeah, it would be great if your parents could afford to throw you a big party, like they did for your sister, but they can't. Sometimes life just works out that way, kid.

Believe me, they wish they could, and I'll bet it's killing them that things are the way they are. That's why they're probably acting defensive.

Be a Good and Grateful Daughter; give your parents the gift of understanding.

I know that tradition in your area dictates that the Bride's family pay for the reception, and I absolutely (especially considering his family's non-membership) think you need to have one. But it's time to put some pride aside and lower some expectations. It's your party, you throw it. Involve your parents as much as you can; perhaps they can help coordinate and decorate; involve them, but don't demand things from them.

And ask for help.

Ask your Relief Society President, Activities Committee, Siblings and Friends.

And do it in a way so as not to embarrass the parents who have given you so much.

Whatever you don't have time to do, ask someone else to help with.

Get a free place to hold the party, and from there do the best you can with what you've got.

Accept donations and help as it's offered, and don't be afraid to ask people to chip in a little (I'm talking about Food, Decorations, Pictures, and labor, not cash).

You and your new husband will have eternity to be together; the wedding night can be put off for a couple more hours; give this gift to your parents and your new family.

Keep it simple.

And focus on the joy of the day, not the details of the reception.

Buy the simple dress. Get your hair done. Have some flowers.

Take the pressure off your parents.

In fact, let go of all the pressure and stress that may come up.

May the Lord Bless You Both on your special day, and throughout the rest of eternity,

- Bro Jo