[Readers - What follows is the next letter in a series of emails between myself and "Desperate". He's frustrated that his dating life isn't going the way he hopes it will. If you'd like to read the previous letters, I posted parts 1-5 starting on June 20, 2011. Click HERE to jump there. I'll post a new letter in this series the first Monday of each month. Please feel free to comment; I only ask that you be sensitive and sincere. - Bro Jo]
Dear D -
Three plus months later . . .
How's it going?
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo
How interesting that you should e-mail me at the time that you did. I was reading over your last letter LITERALLY minutes before you asked how I was going? I think you might have been inspired! :)
Anyway, no happy news to report I'm afraid. Still trying, still asking, and still no girls with the courage to give me a shot.
What I have noticed lately - which has me deeply concerned - is the number of girls I have asked out who have then married the next guy they have dated. Later this week, one of my old girlfriends is going to be married in the Temple (and I'm absolutely thrilled for her). The guy she is marrying is the very next guy she dated after me.
Also, another girl I have dated recently, broke up with me because "I was too nice". I've just learned the other day that she got a mission call. Now, I could take that as a slap in the face, but I'm choosing to see it as that she wasn't ready to commit.
But one experience I'm going through is really on my mind. This particular girl I have wanted to get to know for a long time. In fact, her granddad suggested that I consider her. So, I took the initiative to talk to her and ask her out - just so that we could get to know each other (after all, a first date is precisely that). I even found out where she lived and wrote a couple of cards to her, nothing creepy or clingy, just sincere compliments. A few days ago, she sent me a text thanking me for my lovely cards. She then said that while she was extremely flattered, she was interested in someone. But she also said that she would be happy to go out to dinner with me. I took that as a positive, and then tried to call her. She didn't answer any of my calls, but then texted back a while later to apologize. She then said she would call ME - and of course, she never did. I tried contacting her again, but no response. That was on Monday just passed. I might see her at a YSA fireside this week, but I don't think it's worth trying her again until then.
I know I have been rambling/venting here today, but I am simply at my wits end. I don't know what else to do.
A major weakness of mine is to compare myself unfavorably with others. I know someone whom I met just after I finished my mission. At that time, he was about to go on his. He has now served a mission, is married (to another RM) and has 2 kids. And I can't begin to count the number of RMs who have come home in the past year and who are already married. What do they have that I don't?
Also, in reference to your previous advice regarding obtaining feedback from girls I have dated, that is like trying to extract blood from a stone. They either feign compliments, get defensive, or dismiss me.
General Conference emphasized in several ways the importance of getting on with things. I am surely not slacking - the Lord and I both know that I'm doing my best, but the blessings haven't come (I'm on the verge of breaking down as I write this). I'm not going to give up - no sacrifice is too great for these blessings - but it's SO, SO HARD.
What else can I do?
Regards
D
Dear D,
When the Lord commands us to do something, sometimes he's more interested in our obedience than our success.
I'm sure you're a great guy, and if the girls won't tell you what you're doing wrong, maybe your married buddies will. Never hurts to ask. Well . . . criticism CAN be painful, but you know what I mean.
I don't know, maybe you're trying to hard or coming on too strong. Sending cards to someone you've never dated seems a bit much to me. Did I ever suggest that you check out "Bro Jo's Things Guys Can Do to Make Themselves More Attractive to the Opposite Sex"? We all have room in our lives for improvement . . .
And, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you're being too picky about whom you ask out. What I mean by that is, lots of great women who have the important qualities to make a great spouse get missed. You know who I'm talking about. Girls that are sweet and fun and interesting, but they don't date much. Add asking them out to your repertoire.
- Bro Jo
To add: maybe you need to be less "desperate to find love" and more "out to have a nice time".
- Bro Jo
And, remember, as Sister Jo says, the best thing to do when you're feeling down is to be of Sincere Service to someone else. Works every time.
- Bro Jo
11 comments:
I too am quite amazed that this guy has had no luck in finding a date in quite some time. I would also suggest getting to know the more quiet girls and those that don't get asked out much. You'd be surprised to see how impressive many of them are. They also tend to be very open to being asked out. I know that there are girls who turn down guys for a first date, but I think there are far many more that will give you at least one chance. You just have to broaden your horizons.
Growing up in a small town, I know how hard it can be getting the attention of the girls you are around. You've been around them since day one, and it can be hard for them to consider you as real dating material. I found that once I left town and attended other activities with youth my age that I had never met before, I was well accepted. Sometimes we have to leave our comfort zone and throw ourselves into situations that we never would otherwise.
At the same time, don't be to hasty to make new acquaintances first dates. By that I mean, take the time to actually get to know the person. Continue to be in places where you can interact with them and get to know them better. That usually helps diminish the awkwardness of asking someone out a first date that you don't know very well and greatly increases the potential for a second one. :)
Sending cards to someone you don't really know is waaay strong. I freaked out when a guy I was sort of dating sent me flowers. Even though we were close and had been out many times, the flowers were too much. I pushed him away because I was scared. Maybe that's what happened.
It sounds like you are super anxious to get married. I go to BYU-I, and I can say that girls can smell marriage-hungry men from a mile away. Some girls like that, but most feel like the guy is just looking for someone female to put a ring on. Ok, slight exaggeration, but you get the idea. I think you need to just chill and have fun. It's much more attractive.
I think Bro Jo may be a little too nice about who Desperate should be asking out. If Desperate, well, is, then he should ask out desperate, unattractive women over 25 years old. They want to get married as much as he does, and would surely appreciate being asked out--by anyone. Desperate may not be initially interested in them, but he could show the same courage he expects from the women he asks out, and give it a go.
I still sense that despite his recent record, Desperate somehow still thinks that he knows how to date better than anyone else. He defines for Bro Jo, of all people, and I imagine by extension to all the YSA's he knows what he believes a first date should be. While I happen to share his opinion, and I believe that we should work to help make our culture more of a dating culture, not being so stubborn about the right way to date may be exactly what "They have that [you] don't."
You could also reframe the role of marriage in your life. You see these 21 year olds who get married, and see that as a huge blessing. It might be in some of their cases, but early marriage does not equal blessing. Marriage is important, and a huge blessing, but only when it is in the right place, to the right person at the right time. That last part may be frustrating especially for virgin Mormon men, but if you were to get married tomorrow and it was not the right time the blessings you want in your life from marriage would not be there.
In the 2000 census only 3.9% of Americans over the age of 65 never were married. If you consider how many of those never wanted to get married (clergy, homosexual attraction, live in partner, eternal bachelor, etc.) what we see is that virtually every person in the country who wants to get married does, and when you consider how many more women than men are active in the church, the odds become even better for Desperate. So don't worry about it so much. Let marriage come to you. Keep dating, keep getting to know women, keep having a good time, but stop worshiping marriage.
The only thing I'd tweak regarding what Christopher wrote is that it should be "A right person", not "the".
It may seem like I'm trifling over small stuff, but I honestly believe it's an important distinction that isn't made clear or often enough in our culture.
- Bro Jo
Thanks Bro Jo. I totally agree with your tweek, I might even change it from "the right time" to "a right time" as well.
Christopher,
I think you were a little too harsh when it comes to "Desperate unattractive 25 year old women". I hope you didn't mean to say that there are ugly daughters of god. I would have worded it differently. Just saying.
I feel bad for the poor guy. From what I can tell about him is that he needs to not ask out random cute girls. That always freaks girls out. It would be better to get to know a girl first. Have spent some time with her in groups or something, then pounce.
Anonymous,
There are daughters of God who are not pretty on the outside. Also there are sons of God who are not handsome on the outside. When you act offended that I acknowledged that, what you are doing is reinforcing how important beauty is in our society. It's important for Desperate, and all of us, to get over those stereotypes and see people for who they are on the inside, but doing so doesn't require us to pretend. In fact, my point was, that acknowledging the role beauty has in courtship may help Desperate focus his dating attention in more meaningful ways.
Mahana! You ugly!!!
@ Kate - Guys feel marriage pressure, too. For many of them their exit interview with their Mission President includes strong counsel to go home and get married. Right away.
Now, that's good counsel, but some guys take it and, as you allude to, freak out.
And, as Sister Jo points out, some LDS guys are just in a hurry to get married because their virgin hormones are raging.
Which Sister Jo says is part of Heavenly Father's way of motivating them to action.
She is, of course, right as always, but being horny isn't enough, and any honest guy will admit that it can seriously impair our judgement.
- Bro Jo
I'm with Kate and Bro Jo on the card thing; it's a little brazen. And I'm also with Chris on expanding the "Dating Pool." When I attended a singles ward, most of the women were working their graduate degrees, and several had established careers. Not that any of that is bad, but they never were given a chance. The undergrads were marrying off twice as fast. And a lot of the older women were very attractive. I've never understood it. I could never wrap my head around why a guy (or boy) would chose not to date an attractive, MATURE woman who has so much to offer.
Also, I would say get to know a girl before you start dating her. I have a slew of ex-girlfriends, and almost all of them I knew to some degree or another before dating them. Even the two I was serious about, I got to know them first.
I just gave a talk about this a few Sundays ago. OK Maybe you're following all of God's commandments, and living worthily, but what else are you doing?
A lot of my girlfriends put so much focus into dating and finding a husband that they end up missing the big picture. It almost seems as if they don't care who they date or marry, just as long as it happens. Every date that doesn't call back means there's something wrong with them. They get so upset that every guy doesn't like them, or ask them out for more dates, not realizing, that not every guy has to... Ultimately just one.
It gets to a point where they don't feel they have any selfworth because they are not married. And while these are all pretty (some gorgeous) temple worthy women, it's a very unattractive attitude. As John Bytheway said, "I have yet to see marriage turn an unhappy person into a happy one."
So what are you doing to make yourself happy? Are you in school, or taking classes? Do you have hobbies and interests that you persue daily? Are you taking time to develop talents? Or are you just waiting for the next YSA meat market activity to find new meat?
If you haven't already read, What I wish I'd known when I was Single by John Bytheway. It's amazing, and so funny. Plus it helps give you more insights into what these girls are seeing. There may not be anything "wrong with you" except your attitude. Hope this helps :o)
Post a Comment