Dear Bro Jo,
I love your columns - can't wait to read the books! :)
Anyway, on to my main subject.
I am a single male, late 20's, who can't get a date. And it's not from a lack of trying either. I take your advice on board to go on at least one date a week, but I am NOT exaggerating when I say that if I was to ask out 10 girls, at least 9 of them would shut me out right away - giving me absolutely no chance.
In my personal life, I do everything expected - I pray morning and night, I study the scriptures, I serve diligently in my Church callings. I also have many other things going for me - I served a faithful mission, I have a good job, I am emotionally stable, I keep myself healthy. Things that many girls I hear wish they could find in a guy.
Still, for some reasons not apparent to me, I get rejected by just about every daughter of Israel there is! In fact, there was one girl in my stake whom I had known for some time. When I asked her out on a date, she just laughed at me! I was quite hurt by her immature response to my sincere invitation. Now I'm no longer friends with that girl, and seeing her at a Church activity brings that painful memory back again. But that's a subject for another day.
Bro Jo, do you have any advice as to what else I can do to persuade these precious daughters of God to go out with me? Should I just keep trying and be patient? Or should I stop wasting my time and just focus on being a wonderful person?
When I have been lucky enough to get a date, the experience for both of us has always been extremely positive. Even the girlfriends I've had have always said great things about me - even though things didn't work out in the end.
Please feel free to ask me for additional information. Your advice will be gratefully received.
Disappointed
Dear Disappointed,
Late 20's, seems to be doing what he should, has had girlfriends, has a job, goes on a date every week, but gets turned down 9 out of 10 times.
Did I get that right?
Go back and look at that summary. What do you think the problem is?
I'll give you a hint: at your age what you're supposed to be doing is what I call "Serious Single Dating".
- Bro Jo
4 comments:
The letter-writer listed some great qualities, but he doesn't mention much about his personality. For example, how does he treat women when he first meets them? Does he have a sense of humor (not the sarcastic-mean type)? Does he come across as self-righteous? Also, and I'm sure this isn't a problem, but how is his hygeine/sense of style. A potential issue I can see is who he is asking out. Is he in his late twenties and still asking out the 18 and 19 year olds, which some girls may perceive as creepy, or is he asking out older (and hopefully) more mature girls?
I second the asking girls who are older than 18 or 19. A lot of older single sisters get ignored in favor of the ones just out of high school. I often wonder if it's because guys are intimidated by more educated girls.
I agree with the upper statements. I knew a guy that couldn't get a second date for the life of him. I mean he was very spiritual and such. Most of the girls in our stake were nice enough to give him a first date, but would never acctually date him for 2 reasons.
1. It's sad, but he wasn't all that attractive. It made it worse because he would go months without shaving off his mustache. I'm sure that some girl somewhere would find a short chubby mole-like guy attractive... someday...maybe.
2. He was really weird and creepy. He was very socially innept. He would go after any attractive girl from 17 to his own age, but they had to be attractive. He tried to ask me out after only talking to me once and pretty much courting me the second time. He was that way with any girl he wanted to pursue.
Now if his Disappointed guy is only pursuing 18 and 19 year old girls (which isn't a very good idea because they tend to be shallow and immature) there is a very low chance that this guy is going to get their heart unless he is "perfect".
Also, if HE is not giving any girl a chance (pretty, or average, older of younger) why give him a chance?
I think that the main problem is the way that Disappointed views women in his life.
We can start to see a worrisome trend in the way he refers to women, "girls" "girls" "daughter of Israel" "girl" "girl" "precious daughters of God." These terms are demeaning, and as well intentioned as the spiritual terms are, they reflect a narrow view of who women are and what role you want them to play in your life.
Another point that concerns me is when he says that when he's lucky enough to get a date the experience is extremely positive "for both of us." If he gets a couple of dates a month, and every date is great for both of them, why no second dates? Perhaps, again getting back to the root problem, he simply cannot appreciate where women are coming from, he projects any good time he has must by nature be a good time for them as well.
But perhaps the easiest problem to identify is that Disappointed doesn't have any idea what women want. Disappointed writes his letter like a resume into the Celestial Kingdom, yet women date and marry men all the time without jobs, who serve in their church callings half heartedly, who only pray at night, and miss reading the scriptures a couple of times a week. What are the substantial personality failings that Disappointed is compensating for? It's impossible to tell from the letter, but my guess is that it is the best way to answer his question.
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