Dear Bro Jo
Going on a date every week is my goal, but I would be lucky to get one date a month (I don't have a date this week). The thing is, I'm making the effort to put myself out there, asking for dates all the time, but I need to ask 10 girls out before I find one who will say 'yes'. So "How to get a girl to go out with you" advice is critical.
Perhaps it's a philosophical difference - I go out on a date to get to know someone (no ongoing commitment implied - but hopefully that will be the outcome), whereas the girls seem to want a connection first before they will accept a date. The whole "Hanging out" culture drives me nuts!
When I do go on a date, I just try to keep things low-key - I want the girl especially to feel relaxed and comfortable at all times. She has willingly taken a few hours out of her week to go out with me, after all. Often we don't go out again, which could be for a number of reasons - and that's okay, it was still time well spent.
I do have a big tendency to take things personally, but with these girls I just have to remember that not accepting dates is THEIR problem, not mine. Several of my friends are in a similar position to me - successful in everything else in life, except for the love life. We talk about it and we've just decided that there's only so much we can do.
So, some help for me and my friends in this regard would be great.
Regards
D
PS. I just ordered your book from Deseret Book yesterday! Can't wait to read it!
Dear Disappointed,
What you and I are talking about here is a big, BIG issue, especially within the Church.
On one hand I've got mountains of letters from wonderful single sisters who are dying to go out but never seem to get asked. On the other hand I've got you, your buddies, and thousands of single men, good guys, who just can't seem to find enough dates.
Both groups are sincere in their frustrations, and honest in their complaints.
And yet, from where I sit it seems bizarre that you all can't find each other.
Still, your letter is refreshing. Most guys seem to relish in the "hang-out" and it's the girls that seem to be the clueless enablers. I keep racking my brain on this, and yeah, there are some things a guy can do (I wrote "Things Guys Can Do to Make Themselves More Attractive to the Opposite Sex" quite a while ago - you may want to check it out - even the best of us can use improvement), but I keep coming back to the same thought: I think the answer lies in WHOM you've been asking out.
I'm not sure where you're at, but the world is crawling with women who are interested in going out with successful guys willing to buy them dinner.
Do you remember the Sherlock Holmes quote?
"when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth"
So . . . if you truly do have to offer all that you say you do (and I have no reason to think you don't), and if you really are asking lots of women on dates , why then are you not getting the quantity of dates you're hoping for?
The answer MUST be that you're asking out the wrong women. That begs the question: who are the women you're asking out? Where do you meet them? What transpires before you ask? What's your approach? How well to you plan?
Because ultimately, pal, it really isn't that difficult to ask out a woman you know at least a little bit, unless she's:
a) seeing someone
b) repulsed by you
c) afraid of all men
d) totally out of your league
e) more of a stranger than you realize
All of this leads me to think you need to relax your criteria and broaden your the circle of women you're willing to date.
If you're looking for "Bro Jo's Pick-up Lines", they don't exist. You just ask. In person is best. Over the phone is a second choice. Never by text or email. You may want to also check out some of the Facebook Discussions, like:
"What do girls find attractive in guys"
and "The Meaning of a First Date"
There's another Big Question, and I happen to think it's a huge issue that needs to be tackled: why aren't you going out on many second dates?
Well?
- Bro Jo
PS: Thanks for buying the book! Hope you enjoy it.
2 comments:
I really appreciate what Disappointed is trying to say in this letter. My fiancee remains disappointed to this day because I won her over, rather than her having a huge crush on me, and me finally asking her out. Girls want to be head over heals for a guy they go out with, it's not fair, but as happened in my case, it can still work out.
This letter continues to show some of the concerns I have with Disappointed and his view towards women. Women don't want guys padding their way on a date. When he says, "I want the girl to feel relaxed and comfortable at all times." I know this comes from a place of wanting to appreciate and love women, but the effect is often condescending, and can come from a belief that sees women as fragile and delicate.
As to Bro Jo's question about why these people can't find each other, may I just say that they do. Eventually. I had many of the same frustrations as Disappointed did with his dating life. I was in my late 20's. I got turned down a lot, and felt like women everywhere couldn't stand me. But eventually I found someone that I work with well, and we love each other. I cherish her more now, because it was so hard to find her. As Lehi said there must be opposition in all things, if there wasn't then nothing would seem important.
Perhaps you try too hard to make the women you date comfortable. I know that when I'm on a date, I like to be at the counte when my date is paying or ordering for the two of us. I also like to know I have my own space. If my date continually asked me if I've had enough to eat, or enough water, or whatever it is we are doing, I would feel all too self concience.
Chivalry is not dead, in fact it is very sweet. However, perhaps the women you go an dates with would prefer someone who considers them a partner.
This is not exactly on subject, but if, for instance, you ran into car trouble on a date. Don't get frustrated by it. Yes it definently puts a downer on things, but make it an adventure. make sure that your date is okay with it first, if she is not ask if you'd like to change the plans for another time, but if she wants to, have the date be as if it were planned to be that way. Call a tow, set the car there and then go for a light dinner afterward. From a female perspective, I enjoy it when i see how men will act in that situation in marriage. Yes it's the first date, but I have this saying that holds true for most circumstances:
"Push through the awkward moments to get to the bonding ones."
I think that many people will agree with me that the more positive they are in an unusual date (often a first date thing), the better the circumstance later.
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