Dear Bro Jo,
I've been following your blog for a long time now, and whenever I have a boy or relationship problem I try to think what advice you might have for me. It's been pretty helpful, but now I need to get it straight from you. I have lots of questions I'd like to ask you (your advice is more helpful than my friends’) but I'll go with the one I don't think you've touched on yet: How do you feel about long distance relationships? Do they work?
My situation isn't exactly a relationship, but it's a lot more than friendship, and I don't know what to do. This guy likes me, I like him; we're both 16. We've been 'friends' for over a year now, and there's usually a lot of flirting going on. I like him more than a friend, and I want to date him, but there's also the matter of living states away. Should I forget about all of it? Or pursue it? Or just ignore it all together? Absolutely any advice would be helpful right now, I have no idea what to do...
-Dare for Distance?
Dear Distance,
Well . . . since I don't advocate (my twelve year old daughter always puts this word in air quotes) "relationships" for 16-year olds, I'd say there's not much you should do. Unless he happens to visit where you're at and sets up a Casual Croup Date, you shouldn't go out with him at all. That may change when you're in college and he's home from a mission, but for now . . .
Long distance is a strain on any relationship, and shouldn't be attempted unless the two people already know each other well enough for there to be a commitment (like an engagement or marriage). This, by the way, is why missionaries should not have a . . . "relationship" back home; the distance by definition makes the . . . "relationship" a distraction.
Be friendly, write letters (the occasional email is okay), but no late-night texting (in fact, I'd say little to no texting at all); give up on anything "relationship"-ish with this guy; now is not the time.
People use the "long distance" thing as a crutch, often because it feels safer. In fact, I'd argue that people will mistake longing-because-of-distance for real feelings; how well can you really know another teen that you never spend time with? You need to be going on Casual Group Dates with boys in your own area. Spend your energies on that. The Jo boys will tell you that a girl claiming to have a boyfriend "out of state" (or any boyfriend, really), pining over some guy, is a huge "never ask that girl out" turn off.
Don't burn any bridges, but don't pursue anything either.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thanks Bro Jo, that's helped a lot just by reading it. Another question, if you don't mind...most of the regular communication we have is online or through texting. I think I've gotten comfortable just expecting text messages from him every night, but if it's something you don't think we should be doing, how do I stop? I don't want to ignore him or be rude and just stop replying. So what should I do about that?
- Distance
Dear Distance,
In my Old Guy opinion, I think Texting is addictive and is even less personal and less communicative than email. Texting late at night, particularly once one has gone to bed, can be spiritually and morally dangerous (I wrote a column about this in November called "In Bed with Your Phone Friend" about this very thing).
Instead of ignoring him altogether, perhaps set some limits like:
- no texting after 8pm" (meaning that time for whomever is in the later time zone)
- no texting if you're with other friends (if he texts you, wait and text him back later)
- no texting if you're feeling super emotional
Stuff like that.
Parents can be very helpful in these situations; if you need to ask yours to make the above house rules. (The Jo boys have come to Sister Jo and I more than once saying "so no dating until we're 16 even if a girl asks me out, right?"
We say "right", and they say "good!"
- Bro Jo
No comments:
Post a Comment