Dear Yoda, :)
I've read through your blog, and found LOTS of insightful advice, but I must admit that I still have some dilemmas.
To give you a little background, I'm 19 and I live in a small-ish town in Utah. I'm currently writing a missionary, and he's a great guy. I've never met someone who has made me happier, and who has inspired me to do so much good. He truly makes me want to be the best that I can be. Now here's the but; But, I'm still living my life as if I were single. My theory is, that if I find someone who makes me happier than he did, then (hopefully) I'll marry said mister wonderful. I'm home for the summer, and plan on leaving for school in the fall (And I'd love some advise for handling the dating scene at college!). At the moment, I am the YSA rep for my home ward, and It's going great! I'm pretty happy the way my life is headed. :)
Now, having said that, there are a few problems I seem to be having as a YSA. (I hope you don't mind, but I do enjoy a good list every now and then.)
#1 These crazy creatures called men seem to have no idea how to ask a Lady out on a date, or any desire to for that matter.
I've tried many of the Bro Jo tips on how to get a boys attention, and how to get him to ask you out on a date, and I've noticed small improvements. But none to the degree in which a date is the end result. And it's not just that I haven't been asked out on any dates, but none of the girls in my stake have been asked out either. It's almost an epidemic!.... Okay not really, but it's still very disheartening. So what's a gal to do? Is persistence and patience the key? Do I need to drop even MORE hints than I already have?
#2 So this is not so much a personal question, but I'd still like some advise if you would be willing. In my stake, we have a large amount of YSAs, but only about 15 out of 500 seem to show up for any activities (and 15 is on a good day). Big gap there right? It's not like all of them are inactive, I see them at church all the time. In fact, there are a good 12 or 13 in my home ward. But only 3 of us show up to the activities. I call, email, visit, and even text them on a weekly basis, and still no luck. There seems to be a certain stereo type, or reputation that follows any and all YSA programs wherever you go, but especially here. I'll be the first to admit that I avoided theses functions like the plague before I got this calling, but now that I've met the people, and actually attended the shindigs myself, I look forward to them every week!
I've tried my hardest to talk up our get-togethers, with little result. Do you have any advise you can give me for boosting up our program, and helping to build a better reputation for it? Oh! And to overall increase attendance... Because that would be great! :D
Sincerely,
Running Out of Ideas
Dear Running,
#1. I know. It's weird. I'm sorry. It's one of the reasons I started "Dear Bro Jo" in the first place. You can only be so patient and hint so much until you reach a point where you throw up your hands and say "doesn't matter anyway, I don't think I want to date anyone that dumb". And you're not alone. When the prophet of the Church has to get up in priesthood session and say "what the heck is wrong with you guys" (I'm paraphrasing), then you realize it's an epidemic.
As someone who enjoys a good list, you may want to check out Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE" and I'm more than happy to come speak at a fireside, conference, or workshop in your ward or stake this summer.
I run a great speed dating activity (works great with at least 10 guys and 10 girls; the numbers don't have to be even; and is phenomenal with 100+ singles), give a killer "how to talk to each other" lesson, have an arsenal of talks and lectures (like: "Why Being Married is So Much Better than Being Single", "How to Get There from Here", and "Overcoming What's Keeping You from a Temple Marriage"), and have developed some pretty specific seminars (like: "Dude, Make it Happen", "Getting the Guy You Want" and "Dating Your Spouse").
Just let me know.
#2 You can't make someone show up for activities (or date, for that matter), though I'm with you: it's crazy not to go. I think what you need to do is find out why they're not going. Start with asking yourself: why didn't you used to go? And then ask them. Individually, as a focus group, or call a committee; talk to these people and find out what the objections are. Once you know, then you'll be able to address the issues.
Do they not know about the activities? (Or forget?) Set up a Facebook page or Twitter account where activities and reminders get posted.
Do they not like what's being planned? Ask them what they want to do, and then delegate out assignments to those that suggested that particular activity. As more people take ownership for the success of the activity, your attendance will improve.
Are they lazy and pathetic? Well . . . there's not too much you or I can do about that, other than begging Church leadership to motivate them, perhaps with callings and assignments.
Whatever the problems are, getting information will help you solve them.
(By the way, this works for dating, too. Get a small group of guys - and girls, if you want - together for a chat. Do it during a Sunday School class - I'll bet your Bishopric will say it's okay, and perhaps even lead the discussion if you ask them - or at someone's home. Someone needs to come right out and ask these guys "hey, fellas, why aren't you taking these girls out on dates?" That's another seminar I do, too. FYI - the Jo Boys call it my "just how gay are you?" lecture, which isn't exactly politically correct - no surprise, I know - but it's less harsh than what Sister Jo calls it, which is the "stop being a pansy, you coward, talk".)
Cultural Changes take time. That's true if it's activity attendance or Serious Single Dating. Be patient, but pro-active.
Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, I believe that statistically one of the biggest reasons single LDS guys in an area don't date the single LDS girls in their area is that the girls are allowing them to "hang out". If that's the case, and I'll bet it is, you sisters need to either knock it off, or be prepared to be single at 38.
Thanks for reading and writing in and may the force be with you,
- Bro Jo
2 comments:
I have lived in many places where "absolutely no guys are asking out women." Do you know what? The guys never say that. Ask the men in your stake and I bet they would say dating is going on. I now live in the LDS marriage capital of the world, Rexburg, Idaho, and you know what the women say here? That the men don't ask the women out on dates. I hope that makes you laugh, but well meaning sincere people say it all the time. My experience has been that when women say that guys never ask women out, what they mean to say is "the guys I want to ask me out, don't ask me out when I want them to." Before throwing all the men in your stake under the bus, like you do here, perhaps you ought to consider if calling men "creatures" or characterizing them as clueless or passionless may be making you a wee bit less attractive to them.
Some people can be harsh. Anyway, I think that Anonymous had a valuable point. The guys you want to ask you out won't always ask you out. And the guys who would ask you out don't get enough encouragement to do it, because you don't want to give it to them.
So there's a problem there. I think if you do what you're supposed to do, go to your YSA activities and church, eventually you'll catch the attention of who God wants you to marry, and everything will be great. In the meantime, NEVER spend time with a guy aside from a home teaching visit and church without him asking specifically and having a plan and being prepared to pay for food, etc. For your friends that hand out, it's going to be hard because they won't want to change, but you're doing what you can do, and seeing how awesome you are, the best guys will eventually get the hint and ASK YOU OUT. :) Good luck.
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