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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Are They Friends or More?

Dear Bro Jo,

I usually don't just tell strangers about my dating life, but I am really curious to know what advice you might have for me.

I am a returned missionary and I've been home for almost half a year.

Where I live, (on an island) it is known to be a place where dating is SLOW and hard.

I actually haven't gone on a real date yet and it just frustrates me because it makes me feel as if I am not progressing the way that my Heavenly Father wants me to.

I read your post about finding someone within 6 months to be sealed to and I thought of a person-who happens to be my best friend. He just told me that things didn't work out very well with a girl that lived across the world and he wants to rant to me about her and what went all down because I am his friend and I feel that he just wants to vent.

Little does he know, I do have a seed of feelings for him because I realize that he is probably one of the only guys that I completely trust thus far in my life.

He invited me to go with him to town and eat some dessert at a local restaurant. but he said that he would explain everything between him and this other girl as we go get dessert.

I thought it was gonna be a date, but instead it just became a thing for him to rant about a different girl. Plus he just said that because there is space in his car for five people, I could invite other people to come.

(sigh)

I figured to just let God take the wheel in this and allow me to just be his friend who truly cares about him and can be my complete self with so that I can see if he can find me as someone that can become his eternal companion as well.

This is my story. i hope it makes sense.

All I can say is that I am just a little worried that he will just see me as a friend after it all.

With best regards,

- Friend of a Guy




Dear Friend,

If you want to be MORE than "Just a Friend", YOU need to do something about it.

I think you need to tell him.

Perhaps something like one of these:
"You keep ranting about these girls that are no good for you . . . or who live impossibly far away. How much longer before you wise up and ask me on a date?" 
"I'll go with you to dinner, but only if it's a date and if no one else comes along." 
"I like being your friend, but at some point you're either going to have to date me or I'm going to need to move on" 

If you allow him to treat you as nothing more than a friend, that's all you're ever going to be . . . until he does marry someone other than you . . . at which point you'll either no longer be his friend . . . unless of course your goal is to become "the other woman" . . . which I don't recommend and don't think is the case.

Seriously.

Unless you want to be the girl who is his back up or who he comes to complain to about his wife . . . you need to make a clear and obvious statement. Good luck! And let me know how it goes!

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

I honestly prayed about it. I went out with him that day, went out for dessert and was able to go with him and only him instead of inviting others.

Ever since then, the seed of feelings sprouted.

Then I prayed about it and came to realization that I do like him.

Then I prayed again to ask God, what am I to do with such feelings?

I obviously had to do more than recognize it but do something about it. I received the prompting from the spirit to tell him how I feel, just as you told me.

Maybe I chose not to express myself to him in exact words as you gave me in your examples, but I was honest with him.

It was honestly the scariest thing I've ever done, but so rewarding!

I put myself out there and I told him how I felt.


He told me that he didn't even think of me in such a way, in a way of more than friends.


I made it clear that I needed to know if I need to move on or not.

He told me that for now, he feels that I should move on, but if he ever does end up liking me, he will tell me....and that I'm grateful for.


As I told him how I felt, I also explained that I am not one to send mixed signals, but to be direct and honest with my feelings.

I am so dang proud of myself!

haha!


I also made it clear that I wouldn't let this effect our friendship. So the results are these. We are still friends, he knows how I feel, I followed the spirit, following the spirit brought me so much peace, and two.....as I finished talking to him,

I went to class and got asked to go to the beach with a really cute guy.


Unfortunately I had to say no because I have an eye doctor's appointment that day...BUT I asked him to go laser tagging with me one day :). I feel great!

Thanks your advice. I didn't follow it exactly, but it did give me a push towards some type of progression.

Sincerely,

- Friend




Dear Friend,

Good for you!

And thanks for the update.

Cheers,

- Bro Jo

Monday, November 27, 2017

One Guy's Story - Part 2 of 3 - Stay Positive


[Dear Readers,

The post below is part 2 of 3.  The first part posted November 20th, 2017.  The third part will post December 4th.

- Bro Jo]



Dear Bro Jo,

I want to address the last part of your letter first, just to make sure I understand.

Applying your metaphor schoolwork to dating, when I take a girl on a date, and then she turns me down for a second, I should be happy that I got a first date, and that it went well, but I should not be satisfied with that; I should keep working on finding someone else.

I think that I can learn how to do that. Count your many blessings, right?


On to loyalty.

I know that at first glance, it may seem like my fierce loyalty may put friendships above a romantic relationship. Well, in both of my previous relationships, that didn't happen.

I have fierce loyalty to my friends, but I am even more fiercely loyal to a significant other. I am almost fanatically loyal.

When I was with my ex-fiancée (who I'll call "Kari") especially, I typically didn't even look at texts. I would occasionally, especially if I started getting text-bombed, or if Kari went to the bathroom, got distracted, or something like that. Other than that, it was the exception, not the rule. My friends know that if they have an emergency, they should call. And it had better be an emergency.

Frankly, my friends have never called; they've always texted. And those times that I did answer them, I would typically reply that I was with Kari, but that I would help as soon as possible. I never went to help a friend while I was with Kari. The exceptions were when Kari would come with me; we were quite a service-oriented couple, and Kari was that way without me. In fact, she was the one that helped me become more service-oriented. So we would sometimes go help that friend together.

As for Kari, she never called me when she needed help. But even when she texted, I would see it and be on my way within about 5 seconds at top speed, backpack or not, regardless of what I was doing.

There was one time when I was helping a friend understand something about homework, and I got a text from her that said "Can I call?" I grabbed my backpack at the same time I said, "I'm sorry; Kari needs me!" and I was out the door, dialing her number as I was running. (I don't suggest that, by the way.)

I never blew off Kari, or my ex-girlfriend. That I can say with complete confidence. They were always first when they were dating me.

On top of that, there were other ways I expressed my loyalty to both of them. (I did better at it when I was with Kari, so I'll just talk about what I did for her.)

I have a good friend, who is a woman (one of those that want me as just a friend). When I was dating Kari, they became really good friends, and it made me really happy. We would attend BYU devotional together, and I would always seat Kari next to my friend. They even had a girls' afternoon out (they had a picnic).

There were a few times when my friend talked to us about something that was hurting her. At the end, Kari, who was a very huggy person, would give her a hug, and then my friend would turn to me. The first time, without thinking, I turned to Kari and asked permission to hug her. Now, I have known this young woman for much longer than I've known Kari, but Kari had priority, and that was one way I tried to make it clear that she did.

If anything, I blew off my friends while I was with Kari. And they learned to live with that. In fact, after Kari left me, I took one of our mutual friends on a date (it was more about taking her out for ice cream because she was dealing with her own recent breakup), and during the date, she mentioned how loyal I was to Kari.

My friends knew my priorities: God, spouse (significant other), family, friends, in that order, and I have done my best to make sure that I not only say that, but do it.

So yes, I know how fierce loyalty can look bad, but I am pretty sure it's not in this case. I've talked with my bishop at length about it. And he knows me well; he gave me the blessing that told me that I would conquer depression, and he has had a front row seat on the entire process. He was also the one that gave me permission to stop dating for a summer.

Do I go into "beast" mode? Well, no, most of the time. If there is something that requires speed, then yes. Other than that, no. There was a time when that was my default, but ever since my first summer at BYU, actually working at a BYU camp, when it would have been very bad, I have been quite successful at not being that way.

Do I feel valuable? Well, not really. But I like to. More accurately, I feel like my life hasn't been such a waste if I am useful to those around me. There is a little joy in that, though not much.

As far as shotgun dating, well, I made that mistake once, and only once. I was working at that BYU camp, and I asked out two different girls that worked together. But even with that, when one of those two young ladies got married, she told me, at her reception and in front of her new husband, that her first date with me was hands down the best first date that she had ever had, so I don't think I do too bad at making a young lady feel special when she's on a date with me.

Thankfully, someone was smart enough to figure out that I didn't really know the stupidity of what I did, so she told me, and I have not made that mistake since. I've just been on a lot of dates because I've been off my mission for over three and a half years.

My mode of operation is, actually, nearly perfect rifle dating. I spend the first few weeks of the semester picking out potential dates and observing them in class (or in church, wherever). Then I pick one at a time and I ask her out. I usually make that first date an afternoon date, mostly so I can easily cut it short if I can tell that she just doesn't want to be on the date. (My record short date was 35 minutes flat; I think she only said three sentences that entire time.) I take her out, and then I (usually) ask her out again, at which point, I get soundly rejected. Then, and only then, do I move on to the next one.

The entire process for one girl takes about two weeks. Until it is over, I do not focus on anyone else.

So when I say "going on date after date," I meant that I was consistently asking young ladies out, not that I was overlapping dates. Bad choice of words, I guess.

Now for genuineness. Again, on this one, I used to be cruel; I used to share critique and criticism, even when it wasn't asked for. But that was knocked out of me by my ex-girlfriend.

By the time that I met Kari, I wasn't like that at all. In fact, if I had been, Kari wouldn't have been attracted to me at all; she is a very sensitive person and would have been easily hurt if I had been like that. I had learned by that time that I was really stupid to criticize so much; I had so much more to work on. As a result, I hardly ever mentioned any problems to Kari because I didn't think they were problems until they destroyed our relationship.

(Sigh.)

But I think you are right: there are negatives to my loyalty and genuineness. After reading your response, I don't think that they are negative themselves, per se, but that they appear negative. So I guess my new question is: how do I make them not appear negative?

One final note: I know that I can only ever have one close female friend. I've accepted it. That's why it's hard for me to read emails from good friends saying that they could never love me because they value my friendship too much.

But hey, that's life I guess.

I am so sorry for the long email, and I will definitely be patient if you take a long time to ponder this one as well. Or I will understand if you don't reply; you have a family! Please tell Sister Jo that I am sorry for taking her husband away from her, even if for a short time.

- Loyal




Dear Loyal,

I think all you need is to keep doing your best to stay positive and be of service to others.

Trust in the Lord's timing.

No excuses.

Never give up.  Never surrender.

I know that's a list of cliches . . . but they also happen to apply in this case.

Chin up!

- Bro Jo

Friday, November 24, 2017

She Caught Her Dad Looking at Porn

Dear Bro Jo,

I just accidentally saw my dad looking at porn...again.

He had problems with it years ago, and either he's relapsed or has just been secretly viewing it all along.

My mom is out of town at the moment, and is such that I'm home only a few days a week.

This is a difficult one. He is kind of a person without remorse, as far as I can tell.

I know he never went to the Bishop for help a few years ago, and still went to my cousin's Sealing in the Temple completely unworthily.

I was (age withheld - a young adult) at the time and that really shook my faith.

My parents have never been perfect examples, but I still looked up to them like crazy and had a really hard time dealing with my disappointment in my dad.

That being said, back then, I felt a seething hatred for him.

Satan had taken hold of my heart. And through the experience, Christ taught me how to love someone despite something terrible that they were mixed up in.

He really did.

But, I come to you now asking advice for a newly broken heart. How can I love my dad through this?

Before you tell me to have a heart to heart, let me explain that I've done that before. My dad just denies it and tells me to mind my own business.

My family is not the kind to talk about anything of a personal nature, pretty much.

They pretend to be perfect Mormons and my Mom, most especially, protects herself in a glass bubble and refuses to let anything close enough or deep enough to hurt her. I know not to take this personally, I know it is his decision.

But how do I NOT take this personally?

He's my dad and I love him, I just need to know what you suggest.

This is one among many adding reasons I have a hard time finding faith or any desire to marry and trust someone.

I know we are all learning, myself included. I know I have no right to judge. 

Please advise.

Thanks so much, you are awesome.

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

Some of my biggest disappointments on life have come because of my unrealistic and unfair expectations of people.

I've expected them to do more, say more, be more ... than they are either capable, or than they think they're capable, of.

I think the Jo Kids (and perhaps Sister Jo, too) would tell you that I'm the King of Unrealistic Expectations.

And yet ... once in a while. .. one of them will thank me for pushing them.  Probably not as often as they complain to their mother that I need to get off their back, though...

It's such a tough line... between being our brother's keeper and acceptance. .. between calling unto repentance and unconditional love...

I can not say I have mastered it.

And I must confess I am not a perfect person in everything I do.

What I can share with you. .. what I have learned and am trying to learn better ... is that no one likes to be chastised or corrected... and least of all a parent by a child.

It seems you have some experience with that.

You could go the next step above the heart-to-heart. ..which is simply telling him how it is ...

"Dad, I caught you looking at port again.  Don't deny it.  I saw what I saw.  I'm tired of you pretending everything is fine.  I'm tired of everyone looking the other way.  I'm tired of you acting like you're a worthy temple recommend holder when you're clearly not.  You're my father.  Maybe that means I have unrealistic or unfair expectations of of you.  That's the way it is with parents and kids.  I know no one is perfect, but you clearly have an addiction and you need the Bishop's help to get over it.  Whether you do or not is of course up to you, but I want you to know that your pornography problem is hurting all of us.  Even those that deny it or don't know.  I hope you hope that the man I marry won't have the problem you do.  I want you know that I'm afraid to get married and learn that my husband is an unrepentant pornography addict.  How am I supposed to trust a man enough to marry him if I can't trust my own father? "

Which is of course all true.  And would make you feel better when you say (or write and give) it to him.

But will it get you what you hope for?

Probably not.

As I know you've learned, we can't argue anyone into conversion.  Or repentance.

All we can do is teach correct principles and let the Spirit work on them.

Pray for your dad.

Personally and in Family Prayer.

Look for opportunities to bring the Spirit into your home and your life.  Music.  Talks.  The Temple.

Talk of Christ.  Testify of Christ.

Little Sister, if you believe that this situation is keeping you from feeling the Spirit in your home, then it's time to move out.

Don't run away.  Simply acknowledge that it's time, make a plan, and go.

Lastly, you're an adult now; it's no longer appropriate to hang your fate on the actions or testimony of others.  Regardless of what may be going on with your father, there are men out there that you can trust, that aren't addicted to pornography, and that are great candidates for an eternal companion for you.  Finding one to be Sealed to for Time and All Eternity is your responsibility, not your father's.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

What an inspired message to me. Thank you for the advice. Thank you for listening.

- NW




Dear NW,

Anytime.

Thank you for the kind words.

God bless,

- Bro Jo

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

After the Breakup

Bro Jo,

I just got home from my second semester up at the Y. I started dating a super nice RM at the beginning of January, and I can honestly say I fell in love with him.

I messed up. We went into the relationship with him informing me that he wasn't ready for a serious commitment. I told him I'd be okay with that, and we continued dating anyway. We grew super close, and we'd make an effort to spend time together every single day. Towards the end, I think he realized how seriously committed we had become, and he freaked out and kind of abruptly ended it. Two weeks later, he was seen around campus holding hands with another girl.

I get that it's my fault. He told me he wasn't ready for a serious commitment and I insisted it would be okay. That was dumb. But I'm really struggling with the aftermath of this entire situation. I miss him so much it hurts. I've lost my appetite, I've become very ill, and I've lost the desire to do anything but stay at home and cry.

I guess part of me is just super confused. I don't really understand how he could have meant all the things that he said to me, but be able to move on as quickly as he did. At the same time, I'm not convinced he is entirely over me, either. He'll still text me quite often, and I've heard he's been jealous when I've been around other guys. I'm not sure what to do? I feel very used, and as this was my first relationship, I'm not exactly sure what's supposed to happen now. What are you supposed to do once you get out of a relationship? It's been a month now since we broke up, and I'm still distraught. How can I get over him?

Any advice you can give me would be much appreciated. I need help.

Thanks,

- Hopelessly Devoted




Dear Hope,

I'm sorry, but I just don't see how this is your fault.

Sure, you lied when you said you were okay with things staying casual.  But I think it was reasonable to expect that, despite what he said in the beginning, with all of the time you spent together and everything else that he had changed his mind.

Now clearly you and I are different people, because if someone I really liked had strung me along, bolted when AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS it occurred to them that things were getting serious, and a short time after dumping me was making out with someone else . . . I'd have No Desire to ever get back together with that person.

But then it DID happen to me.  More than once.


And, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but yes, he IS over you.  That may make him a jerk and an idiot, but it's also the truth.

You need to date other people.  That's the best way to get over him.  That, and as Sister Jo always says, Service.

I also feel extremely strongly that you need to cut this jerk out of your life.  Every time you text him back you're telling him that what he did to you is okay, that he need not feel bad about himself, and that he can continue to keep you as a back up because no matter how many other girls he swaps spit with or holds hands with in public you'll always be there . . . pathetically hoping he'll some day come back to you.

Believe me, once you cut this guy out of your life you'll finally be able to move on.

Now pick yourself up, put on your favorite outfit (the one that everyone says you look great in), and go get a sandwich.  Flirt with other guys, let the world know you're available for dates with Good Guys and block what's-his-name's phone number.

- Bro Jo

Monday, November 20, 2017

One Guy's Story - Part 1 of 3 - Love VS Loyalty and Shotgun Dating VS Rifle Dating


[Dear Readers,

The post below is part 1 of 2, first posted November 20th, 2017.  Part 2 of 2 will be posted in one week, on November 27th, 2017.

- Bro Jo]




Dear Bro Jo,

I hope you'll forgive the long email; I wanted to give you as much information as possible to get the best possible answer. Still, don't feel obligated to answer.

First of all, I entered the (name of specific military college withheld) straight out of high school. I was targeted from the start, for various reasons. Because of pre-existing depression, that negative attention did me no good, and within six months, I had to leave for my own safety. But I didn't leave unscathed; I had acquired habits and mannerisms that made me seem pretty callous.

About six months after leaving the Academy, I managed to get on my mission. But again, because of depression, I had to leave early.

I finished an Associate's degree at BYU-Idaho and transferred to BYU, where I currently am. In that time, I have managed to conquer depression (with the help of many family and friends). I have also managed to tone down my military habits significantly.

When I was at BYU-Idaho, I was blessed to work two shifts every week at the Rexburg Temple, and my baptistery shift had some very wise and experienced brothers and sisters. It was at that time that I truly fell in love for the first time. Suspicious of my feelings, I asked my Temple coworkers some very pointed questions about love. With their help, I eventually came to understand how to recognize it, and I recognized that I was feeling it. Unfortunately, that young lady was a BYU student; she was only in Rexburg for the summer, so she turned down a relationship with me. I understood, and I didn't question it.

When I arrived at BYU, I tested the waters and got enormous push-back from her dad. I was pretty devastated, but with the help of the Lord, I moved on.

I spent my first summer at BYU going on date after date, asking nearly all of those young women on second dates and getting turned down. I didn't really blame them; I was still fighting depression at the time.

I continued that practice for a while until my second summer when I got permission from my bishop to stop dating in order to focus on removing some of my unattractive attributes, like depression. It worked; when Fall semester started, one young lady showed up, and well, convinced me that she was worth my time. And she was. By the time she broke up with me, I had (nearly) finished conquering depression.

(We are still good friends, and recently, I enjoyed telling her father about how good she was to me.)

When the next semester started, I met someone else. Our relationship followed your Levels of a Relationship pretty well, and things were going really great. We got engaged.

On our wedding day, I made a couple mistakes when I picked her up to go to the Temple. Nothing huge, nothing she hadn't seen before (I try very hard to be myself wherever I am). I realized my mistakes and did my best to apologize.

It didn't matter.

By the time we got to the Temple, the stress of the day caused her to melt down, and she called her parents. They had never liked me, and well, let's just say that the wedding didn't happen.

I talked to my YSA bishop and my father about it (at the same time, actually), and they gave me a blessing. I was assured that, though I made mistakes, I had done my best. I was blessed with peace.

For the most part. I do want to be married, so I do feel pretty lonely a lot of the time.

One day, when the loneliness was particularly bad and I was feeling particularly frustrated, I poured out my feelings in a blog post and bluntly asked why I was not a good prospect.

Surprisingly, I got some answers from women that I know. And they were mostly along the lines of "our friendship is too valuable to risk ruining it through a romantic relationship."

Since my failed wedding, I've also been on some dates. Some of those young ladies want nothing to do with me, but surprisingly, some do. Just not romantically. It seems that, like the friends who think friendship is too valuable to risk, they want me around, but only as a friend, or perhaps more accurately, a surrogate older brother.

Let me explain. I am loyal, fiercely loyal, to my friends. They know that if they need me, I will drop everything in a heartbeat to help them, and I won't stop until the problem is solved.

On top of that, all of the experiences that I wrote above (and more) have helped me break what a friend calls "social programming." I don't care what people think about me. I will do what is right as much as I can, even if it's not social protocol. When I seemed callous before, it was often because I would do things outside of social protocol. I am also very genuine about who I am, as I said above.

As a result, not only am I too valuable as a loyal friend, I am...different. Thanks to my ex-girlfriend and ex-fiancée, I am much better now, and as a rule, I will follow social protocol unless it interferes with doing what's right. But I am still fundamentally different. And I guess that is not very attractive.

Before, when I actually had some really unattractive traits, especially depression, it was fairly easy to keep moving forward by telling myself that I would be wanted when I got better. Now, it's a lot harder.

I am happy to be of service to my friends; I wouldn't change my loyalty. I would never change my genuineness either. I consider them to be good traits. But they seem to be chasing girls away, or at least, convincing them to keep me at arm's length.

I am still doing my best to go on dates, to put myself out there, but I'm becoming discouraged.

I guess I have two questions:

First, how do I make myself seem like a good prospect, rather than just a friend? How do I make it seem more valuable to women to give me a chance instead of making them scared to risk losing friendship? 
Second, what is the best way to prevent myself from getting discouraged in this situation?
And maybe a third question. I have been told by several people to be happy just being single, so what's a good way to do that without becoming too happy being single?

- Loyal




Dear Loyal,

I've been thinking about . . . pondering . . . your email  a lot.

I wonder if your "fierce loyalty" has you putting your friendships above your romantic relationships?

While it's important and respectable to be loyal, a guy who blows off his wife to help his buddies would be a poor choice in a husband.

I also wonder if your loyalty is coupled with joy.  Do you go into "beast mode" when a friend needs help, ready to fight for them, do you feel valuable because this friend needs you, or do you feel joy at the opportunity to be of service?

Ultimately none of that may matter . . . but I have been thinking about it.

When you say that you are "genuine", does that mean that you are quick to share critique and criticism even when it's not asked for?  Because that's not honest, it's cruel.

I guess what I'm saying is, while Loyalty and Genuineness ARE good qualities, if you're expressing them in a negative way that could certainly be what is making it difficult for you to find someone who wants to live with you and be with you for time and all eternity.

As the Jo Girl (who happens to be a varsity cheerleader) often says "Be a Polly Positive, not a Debbie Downer"!

People want to be around others who lift them up, who help them feel better about themselves, who look on the bright side.

I don't know you, but I wonder if the struggle isn't with who you are, but how you're expressing yourself . . . might be something for you to consider.


To your questions, your description of your dating style seems to fall into what I call "Shotgun Dating".  That's where guys go on lots of dates with lots of different girls, often lining up the next several dates with a variety of women before they go on the date with the last woman they asked out.  It's very common among return missionaries.  It's an entirely bad thing, but carried on for too long and it can quickly give a guy the reputation of being "a player" or not very serious about dating . . . or life.

And women find that very unattractive.


People like to feel special, and it's very important for a guy to make a woman feel special when he goes out with her.


Instead I recommend what I call "Rifle Dating".

(There's a third kind, "archery dating", where guys stand around . . . FOREVER . . . waiting for that perfect specimen to come along, often missing great opportunities - read "women" - only to find that when they finally take a shot they miss entirely.  You don't want to use that style, either.)

Rifle Dating is when a guy pauses.  (I actually recommend that you guys date no one the first two Sundays you're in a new ward, UNLESS there's someone you are just so Connected with - I use the word "connected" very purposefully - that you can't help dating right away.  But that's the exception.)  He looks around, but not forever, figures out which girl in his world he is most Interested in ("interested in" is also chosen with purpose; note that I didn't say "attracted to") and he dates her.  And only her.

The first date should be casual in tone, designed to facilitate talking, and only after a one or two in-person conversations.  Hikes, walks, going for desert or lunch, things like that are all great choices.

Make sure she knows it's a date, but do not put undue pressure on her or the situation.

His focus is to have fun, ask her about her, and LISTEN to WHAT SHE IS SAYING so he can respond intelligently and with sincere interest.

Be Positive.

Plan.  Pickup.  Pay.

You may think you're falling for her, but your tone should be "I'd like to make a new friend today".


Unless on the date he finds her to be repugnant (making allowances for her nervousness and the newness of the relationship is strongly encouraged) then he asks her out again.  Usually for later that same week.  (Don't wait until the next weekend if at all possible.)

And he keeps his sights on her until she no longer wants to date him (note:  being unavailable or busy is not necessarily a rejection) or until he's honestly ready to move on (once you do, don't plan on going back to her - that rarely works), or until he finds that he is Much More Interested in someone else.  If he is the one initiating the end of this courtship it is his responsibility to Talk To Her In Person.  Don't burn a bridge, don't belittle, and NEVER NEVER tell her it's because you want to date someone else.

A simple "I don't feel that this moving in a more romantic or committed relationship is right for me" is all you need to say.  Then stand there and take whatever she feels she needs to throw at you.

That's what a man does.


That's Rifle Dating.


And that, my friend, is what I believe is the best pattern to follow when it comes to finding a spouse.


If you want to stay out of the Friend Zone, you'll need to accept that the only close female friend you can have will be your spouse.  All women, while you should be polite and kind and "friendly", are romantic prospects.  Treat them as such and they'll realize they're such.  (That's why you don't become "pals" with married women or any woman when you're married.)


We don't "hang out".  We date.


Should you Be Happy being single?

Well . . . yeah.  But remember that there's a difference between recognizing the blessings that are in your life at this time, and being satisfied . . . or complacent.


You can be happy that you've done well in class, on a paper or test, but if you think you have nothing else to do, nothing else to learn about that subject . . . that's complacent, and never a good idea.


Hope that helps.


Feel free to email anytime.


Cheers,

- Bro Jo

Friday, November 17, 2017

Setting Each Other Free

Dear Bro. Jo,

I'm 18 and so is my boyfriend.  We've been dating for a few months now and he's due to get his mission call in about two weeks or so.  We've gotten really close and I want the best for him. We already agreed to suspend our romantic ties from right before he leaves until after his mission so he could focus on his mission.  Also, we have done scripture study together and have a plan to read the Book of Mormon together before he leaves. He's truly a great guy and will be a fantastic missionary. But, what I could do to better support him in his mission?

Thanks,

- Miss Dot




Dear Miss Dot,

I think the best thing you could do is as you've suggested:  break up with him before he leaves.  (As soon as he gets his call is best.  Heck, you should probably break up now since his papers are already in.) 

I don't think you should be acting like married people and doing scripture study together.

And while I think it would be nice to write him every 2-3 months to ask how the mission is going, I think you should be open to dating other guys.

Yes, sometimes we end up eternally happy with the person we dated before they left for two years, but most of the time it doesn't work out.  So the best thing you can both do for each other is to set each other free.

- Bro Jo

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Is She Ready for a Boyfriend?

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey! I'm single and lonely and want a bf. And I can't seem to get one. Can u please help me?

- NW




Dear NW,

Maybe.

How old are you?

Why do you want a boyfriend?

What have you tried?

Do you have a particular guy in mind?  Or does it not matter whom it is?

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

I'm 18! And feel ready for a relationship! And I would like someone who is 18 or 19 and can love me unconditionally and treat me with respect . And I've tried dating websites and yeah that doesn't work out too well. And I would also want someone who can make me laugh and like to cuddle and watch movies and would hole me tight and hug me when I'm sad. That's why I want a bf. :). Blonde with blue eyes or brown with blue eyes.

- NW




Dear NW,

I'm going to set aside how I feel about your reasons and criteria . . . for now.

Are you attending a YSA Ward?

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

No I'm not.

I'm in (Home Ward Location Withheld) till I graduate and hopefully get my medallion.

- NW




Dear NW,

Graduation first.

Then, rather than focus on finding a boyfriend, approach Serious Single Dating with an open heart and open eyes.

Good Guys can be turned off by someone who's sole purpose is to get a boyfriend. Go on dates, Be Happy and Be Positive and be the type of person who is always found in the service of others.

And remember, we date the type of person that we are, so Do your best to Be your best and focus on people that are like you, that have similar interests and personalities.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Okay.

Well my dad wants me to go to some of the singles activities to get this guys named Stan phone number. Cuz he can't cuz he is too busy. And he doesn't think in should lose contact with him. He's an RM and only 3 years older than me. And I met him once at the Bishop’s Storehouse.

- NW




Dear NW,

That sounds like good advice

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

But he is 3 years older than me. :/! Plus I'll miss my friends.

- NW




Dear NW,

When we focus on reasons for failure it is impossible to succeed

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

True. Okay.

Thanks.

I'll try and meet up with him then.

- NW




Dear NW,

For the record, that's not what I said.

And I still think that rather than being "desperate to get a boyfriend" you should focus on Meeting Some Good People in your YSA Ward.

AFTER you graduate.

Best,

- Bro Jo