One Guy's Story - Part 2 of 3 - Stay Positive

[Dear Readers,

The post below is part 2 of 3.  The first part posted November 20th, 2017.  The third part will post December 4th.

- Bro Jo]



Dear Bro Jo,

I want to address the last part of your letter first, just to make sure I understand.

Applying your metaphor schoolwork to dating, when I take a girl on a date, and then she turns me down for a second, I should be happy that I got a first date, and that it went well, but I should not be satisfied with that; I should keep working on finding someone else.

I think that I can learn how to do that. Count your many blessings, right?


On to loyalty.

I know that at first glance, it may seem like my fierce loyalty may put friendships above a romantic relationship. Well, in both of my previous relationships, that didn't happen.

I have fierce loyalty to my friends, but I am even more fiercely loyal to a significant other. I am almost fanatically loyal.

When I was with my ex-fiancée (who I'll call "Kari") especially, I typically didn't even look at texts. I would occasionally, especially if I started getting text-bombed, or if Kari went to the bathroom, got distracted, or something like that. Other than that, it was the exception, not the rule. My friends know that if they have an emergency, they should call. And it had better be an emergency.

Frankly, my friends have never called; they've always texted. And those times that I did answer them, I would typically reply that I was with Kari, but that I would help as soon as possible. I never went to help a friend while I was with Kari. The exceptions were when Kari would come with me; we were quite a service-oriented couple, and Kari was that way without me. In fact, she was the one that helped me become more service-oriented. So we would sometimes go help that friend together.

As for Kari, she never called me when she needed help. But even when she texted, I would see it and be on my way within about 5 seconds at top speed, backpack or not, regardless of what I was doing.

There was one time when I was helping a friend understand something about homework, and I got a text from her that said "Can I call?" I grabbed my backpack at the same time I said, "I'm sorry; Kari needs me!" and I was out the door, dialing her number as I was running. (I don't suggest that, by the way.)

I never blew off Kari, or my ex-girlfriend. That I can say with complete confidence. They were always first when they were dating me.

On top of that, there were other ways I expressed my loyalty to both of them. (I did better at it when I was with Kari, so I'll just talk about what I did for her.)

I have a good friend, who is a woman (one of those that want me as just a friend). When I was dating Kari, they became really good friends, and it made me really happy. We would attend BYU devotional together, and I would always seat Kari next to my friend. They even had a girls' afternoon out (they had a picnic).

There were a few times when my friend talked to us about something that was hurting her. At the end, Kari, who was a very huggy person, would give her a hug, and then my friend would turn to me. The first time, without thinking, I turned to Kari and asked permission to hug her. Now, I have known this young woman for much longer than I've known Kari, but Kari had priority, and that was one way I tried to make it clear that she did.

If anything, I blew off my friends while I was with Kari. And they learned to live with that. In fact, after Kari left me, I took one of our mutual friends on a date (it was more about taking her out for ice cream because she was dealing with her own recent breakup), and during the date, she mentioned how loyal I was to Kari.

My friends knew my priorities: God, spouse (significant other), family, friends, in that order, and I have done my best to make sure that I not only say that, but do it.

So yes, I know how fierce loyalty can look bad, but I am pretty sure it's not in this case. I've talked with my bishop at length about it. And he knows me well; he gave me the blessing that told me that I would conquer depression, and he has had a front row seat on the entire process. He was also the one that gave me permission to stop dating for a summer.

Do I go into "beast" mode? Well, no, most of the time. If there is something that requires speed, then yes. Other than that, no. There was a time when that was my default, but ever since my first summer at BYU, actually working at a BYU camp, when it would have been very bad, I have been quite successful at not being that way.

Do I feel valuable? Well, not really. But I like to. More accurately, I feel like my life hasn't been such a waste if I am useful to those around me. There is a little joy in that, though not much.

As far as shotgun dating, well, I made that mistake once, and only once. I was working at that BYU camp, and I asked out two different girls that worked together. But even with that, when one of those two young ladies got married, she told me, at her reception and in front of her new husband, that her first date with me was hands down the best first date that she had ever had, so I don't think I do too bad at making a young lady feel special when she's on a date with me.

Thankfully, someone was smart enough to figure out that I didn't really know the stupidity of what I did, so she told me, and I have not made that mistake since. I've just been on a lot of dates because I've been off my mission for over three and a half years.

My mode of operation is, actually, nearly perfect rifle dating. I spend the first few weeks of the semester picking out potential dates and observing them in class (or in church, wherever). Then I pick one at a time and I ask her out. I usually make that first date an afternoon date, mostly so I can easily cut it short if I can tell that she just doesn't want to be on the date. (My record short date was 35 minutes flat; I think she only said three sentences that entire time.) I take her out, and then I (usually) ask her out again, at which point, I get soundly rejected. Then, and only then, do I move on to the next one.

The entire process for one girl takes about two weeks. Until it is over, I do not focus on anyone else.

So when I say "going on date after date," I meant that I was consistently asking young ladies out, not that I was overlapping dates. Bad choice of words, I guess.

Now for genuineness. Again, on this one, I used to be cruel; I used to share critique and criticism, even when it wasn't asked for. But that was knocked out of me by my ex-girlfriend.

By the time that I met Kari, I wasn't like that at all. In fact, if I had been, Kari wouldn't have been attracted to me at all; she is a very sensitive person and would have been easily hurt if I had been like that. I had learned by that time that I was really stupid to criticize so much; I had so much more to work on. As a result, I hardly ever mentioned any problems to Kari because I didn't think they were problems until they destroyed our relationship.

(Sigh.)

But I think you are right: there are negatives to my loyalty and genuineness. After reading your response, I don't think that they are negative themselves, per se, but that they appear negative. So I guess my new question is: how do I make them not appear negative?

One final note: I know that I can only ever have one close female friend. I've accepted it. That's why it's hard for me to read emails from good friends saying that they could never love me because they value my friendship too much.

But hey, that's life I guess.

I am so sorry for the long email, and I will definitely be patient if you take a long time to ponder this one as well. Or I will understand if you don't reply; you have a family! Please tell Sister Jo that I am sorry for taking her husband away from her, even if for a short time.

- Loyal




Dear Loyal,

I think all you need is to keep doing your best to stay positive and be of service to others.

Trust in the Lord's timing.

No excuses.

Never give up.  Never surrender.

I know that's a list of cliches . . . but they also happen to apply in this case.

Chin up!

- Bro Jo