Things to know

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Monday, May 21, 2018

Value in . . . You Know . . . Talking

Dear Bro Jo,

I've read a lot of advice from your blog, and I really love it and think it would be very effective in those situations. I'm in a situation of my own right now, and don't really know where to go with it. I'll take any advice you can give :) here's the deal:

I met this guy about a month ago. My parents and his aunt and uncle set us up on a date, and we hit it off very well. Neither of us even knew the other existed before this date, though he is my back-door neighbor (living with said aunt and uncle). Since then, we've gone out/"hung out" several times. We hug after every time, and he even held my hand once while we watched a movie. My family loves him, my dad thinks he really likes me, since he wants to do stuff all the time.  However, he has never mentioned at ALL if he likes me or not or wants to continue to date me.

Part of me respects him for that. I have met lots of guys who are unreadable, but at least after a but they somehow try to tell me how they feel. I've gone out with lots of guys that are too bold, who I've not been interested in. Or those that flirt too much, I don't feel "special". But another part of me is confused as to why he hasn't said anything. If he just thinks I'm a fun friend, I'd like to know..

I do think he's shy or nervous, so he's trying to hide maybe? But.. I am shy too. But I've tried to slip in little things like "hey, I had fun with you tonight" or "I missed hanging out with you the last couple days" to give him a lead or whatever, but he changes the subject it avoids the question. When we DO hang out, many times his sister is there with us too, and to me, it seems to be a simple excuse not to do or say things, if she's there. Though she is super fun and I like her too!

I've met some of his family, and they've made little comments that make it seem like he could like me, but, it could also be that THEY like me and want things to progress... Who knows.

My family already considers us to be "unofficially dating"... But... I don't. Just because he has never said anything even closely related to the topic.

I guess then what my questions are... Does he like me? What should I do in this situation? How can I get him to open up and tell me how he feels? Do I be patient, or gather up all my courage to be bold? If someone else asks me on a date, do I go?

Thank you so much for your help.. It is greatly appreciated in advance. You're the greatest! :)

- Learning to Read Boys

Dear Learning,

You don't mention how old either of you are, so my answer could be one of two different things.

If you're still in High School, my advice is to not take any one boy too seriously and go on lots of Casual Group Dates with lots of different boys.  Keep your "hanging out" in groups (movie parties, mini golf, stuff like that).

If you're an adult . . . well, that's a different story.

First of all, when people talk about “reading” often what they mean is that they expect to be able to guess what's on a person's mind instead of actually . . . you know . . . TALKING to them.  All of the questions you're asking me you should be asking him.

"So . . . I'm sorry if I sound naive, but I'm really in the dark here.  Do you like me?  Do you think of us as a couple?  Are we just buddies or is this something more?  How do you want me to respond to other guys when they ask me out?"

Those are all fair, legitimate questions.

Sure, one can imply that because you're together so much that neither of you is seeing anyone else, but the problem is that you HANG OUT instead of GO OUT.  It's fine to introduce hanging out AFTER one is officially a couple, but even then you should still GO OUT on dates at least once a week (a habit, by the way, which should never end, even during marriage; especially then, actually).

I'm guessing that this boy has no more dating experience than you do; that means you'll need to do some training.  You'll need to teach him that he needs to take you out on an official date at least once a week.  You'll need to tell him things like "you know, once in a while a girl likes to get flowers".  If you do these things in a kind, flirty way, I think the two of you will grow AND have a lot of fun.

AND, if you are Serious Single Dating age, after your third official date (counting the ones he's already taken you on), you might want to ask "so . . . why is it that a smart guy like you hasn't tried to kiss me yet?"

- Bro Jo

Monday, May 7, 2018

How to Not Get Led On

Dear Bro Jo,

So, I'm an RM guy going to college.

There have been two times in my life where I've been pretty sure a girl liked me. One was my freshman year.  All the normal things: we talked alone for a few hours the first time we met (in a public place, don't worry), she texted first, we did lots of things together, and she was pretty flirtatious.  Turns out, she had a boyfriend this whole time.

Pretty recently, a different girl was dropping some serious hints: playful pushes, sassy smirks, the whole shebang.  One day, she mentioned that she was single.  Three times.  She mentioned that she wanted a certain guy to ask her on a date.  So I take the "hint" and ask her on a date.  She says no.

In both situations, I told friends (both guys and girls) about the things she said/did (honestly, no embellishing) and was told, "Yeah, she wants you to ask her on a date!"

Am I just forever doomed to being led on?  Am I doing something wrong?

- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

I don't think you're doomed.  I just think you happened to have had two bad experiences in a row.

Might happen . . . I don't know . . . a thousand more times . . .

Any clear thinking individual would think these girls were interested in you.  I have no idea what their deal was.

But I promise you that there are lots of girls out there that are not like this.

Might take a few more misses to find one . . . but it's worth it!

- Bro Jo

Monday, April 30, 2018

Should She Move to Date?

Dear Bro Jo,

I've debated writing this for a while now.  I'm not really sure where to start, or what my question really is but here I go... I live in a place where the church is really quite small and attend a YSA ward where there aren't many guys that are dating.  Basically the only ones that are, are in serious relationships already.  I've tried hinting at going on dates and such, and have managed a few but never anything serious.  I've been home from my mission for a year and have only been on 3 dates with 3 different guys in my ward.  There is so much pressure to find a husband but there isn't anyone where I live that I think is worth dating.  Mainly because the only ones not in serious relationships are either preparing for a mission (and I don't want to get in the way of that) or not temple worthy.  There is one new guy in the ward who is an RM and temple worthy but it seems like he's fallen for the "cutest girl in YSA" and we don't talk very often.

Recently, I took a trip to Utah and met up with one of the Elders that served in the same mission as me that I had met in the MTC.  We never really served together and I think I saw him 5 times max on the mission.  But we met up nonetheless.  And I had a really good time.  We sat and talked for about an hour and I hadn't laughed as much as I did with him in my life.  He spent most of the hour trying to convince me to move to Utah.  He had it basically all planned out for me.  I texted him later and asked him why he wanted me to move there so badly and he told me he just wanted me to be happy and he didn't think I was happy where I am (in Canada).  Of course, he would be right.  He's really nice and I really like how I feel and who I am around him.  He makes me want to be a better person and gives me hope that there is a guy out there somewhere (if not him) that would want to see me happy and see me do well in life.  Also, he gives me hope that one day I could be sealed in the temple.  It's been a week since I saw him and I think about him constantly...I'm such a girl.

I was talking to one of my companions and she brought up the fact that if I do move there, it doesn't mean that I will date him, but it does open many more opportunities than what I have now.  Not only for dates but also for spiritual growth as well as I would have more access to temples and such (the closest one right now is 6 hours away).  So moving there looks like a good idea right now, even just for a semester or two.  But my parents aren't supportive.  Right now, they're paying for my school and say they can't afford to send me there.  Even though it would only be a little more expensive because of the exchange rate.  There is no way I could afford to go there on my own unless I were to take some time off from school and work which isn't bad but not the greatest plan either.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is do you think it would be a good idea to move down for a bit?  And if so, what is the best way to convince my parents to let me go?  Also, should I continue texting the person I met on the mission and see where it leads even if I don't move right away?

Sorry for my rambling, I just need an outsider's opinion on this and I think most of all, I needed to see my thoughts written out on paper.  Thanks for all that you do!

- Name Withheld

Dear Friend,

You're an adult and a Return Missionary.  You don't need to convince your parents or get their permission.  If you feel the Lord would have you move, then move.  (Which, given the circumstances, I also happen to think is a good idea.) 

If your parents can't, or won't, help you financially then get a job.  You're an adult.  That's what adults do.

I agree that you should keep texting with this guy (just don't be the one that always initiates the conversation), but I also think you should make plans to move as soon as possible. 

You are at the point in your life where it's time to begin forming an eternal family.  If that isn't going to happen where you are, you need to move to where the odds are better.

That's my opinion, anyway.

- Bro Jo