Things to know

Regularly read by 50,000+ readers in over 140 countries around the world, "Dear Bro Jo" is published every Monday, Wednesday and Friday (with occasional additional posts, too).

This is column is just one guy's opinion, and while he does his best to keep what he thinks, says and writes in-line with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Bro Jo is not a spokesman or authority for the LDS Church. (And Sister Jo thinks you should know that he's sometimes wrong, and often way too opinionated for his own good.)

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Sunday, June 25, 2017

What If You're Too Shy to Get Dates? - Part 4

Dear Bro Jo,

In the last few months I tried this Set-up game with some of my friends. It never worked. Nothing ever happens. I guess us girls are not as united as we should be. Or maybe everyone kinda lost hope already haha.

I'm in a new singles ward. People are nice. Girls there are very competitive, which is kinda scary because I'm not when it comes to men. Boys don't do any asking.

I went to a few dates after that email. 3 or maybe 4. I was asked out by text by all of them.Things got to a point where I just started accepting the reality of it. Now I'm dateless again. I am starting to think that people just don't do it anymore.

But anyway, enough with the drama, haha. I like one boy. We were great friends about a year ago, and he's back in my life again but he's far away. At the beginning it seemed like he liked me and he's a awesome guy and that's why I started liking him too. But because he's far, we can only talk via social media and I'm awful at it and now he's ghosting. So my hopes of seeing him when he comes back to school is almost gone now and hopes of something happening..... oh boy.

I didn't wanna sound so negative. Maybe it's the rainy day. But this is the update. Thanks for your reply!

- Too Shy




Dear Shy,

I've heard some girls tell boys "I'd love to go out with you, but you'll need to ask me in person or give me a call; texting is just too impersonal, plus I'd like to know that it's actually you asking and not someone playing with your phone".

I like that a lot.

Keep in touch with that other boy.  Never know what might happen when he comes back to school.

Chin up!  All of this effort is worth it, I promise!

- Bro Jo

Saturday, June 24, 2017

What If You're Too Shy to Get Dates? - Part 3

Dear Bro Jo,

Well, I try to talk with people. For example, at the beginning of the semester I decided I wanted to meet more people. I talked with a few people, and a few guys I might be interested in. They talked with me, they said hi for a few days when they saw me walking around school. And now, guess what?

Nothing. Most of them pretend they don't know me. They stop talking with me for no apparent reason, and I just can't find a way of starting talking with them again. And it is something that ALWAYS happens. And when it happens with some guy I was interested in, they always start hanging out with some girl after they stop talking with me. It got to a point that I can already see it happening every time I meet someone new.

To prove my point, here is something that happened recently:

A few weeks ago I met a guy. He introduced himself to me and was very charming. I thought he was cute, but I had to go to class so I didn't think too much about it. About a week later he saw me at school again and came talk with me. We talked for a few minutes and he asked for my number and, of course, I gave it to him. A few days later we saw each other again and he was with some friends. He said "we should go on a date on the weekend" and I said yes. He said he would contact me to plan on doing something and he never did. He is after another girl now.

I don't understand it. If I say yes, they will think I'm too easy. If I say no, it isn't helpful at all because if I want to go out with the guy, why would I say no? Does it make sense?
I haven't been asked on a date in a very very long time. The one guy who did ask me out, did it because he wanted to add one more name on his list. I know that guys like when they have competition, but I can't even pretend I have a lot of guys after me. And, it affects my self esteem and confidence, which make things even worse.

 - Too Shy




Dear Shy,

Sometimes we have to fight to stay positive.

Sister Jo says the best way to do that is to be of service to other people.

Stop dwelling on the bad and frustrating things in your life (hard to do sometimes, I know) and instead look for the positive stuff, the blessings, the things to be grateful for.

You may be pleasantly surprised when you learn just how attractive other people find those that are happy and positive.

- Bro Jo

What If You're Too Shy to Get Dates? - Part 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Well, I know what my friends will tell me. I never talk about guys with them because I don't want them to think I'm desperate or that I just don't get dates because no one asks me (which is true, but I don't need to tell them that).

But WHEN I DO talk with a friend about some guy I think is cute but I don't know how to become friends with them, my friend will always tell me that I am too shy.

I had a friend telling me once that my problem is that I don't compete with girls. For example, when I like a guy and I see that he has other girls interested in him, I don't try to catch his attention. I just accept it and become disappointed that he didn't notice me. I understand how it is a problem; however, if I see she has more chances with him than I do, why should I try anything?

Also, I'm a bit childish. I'm still one of those girls who develop crushes in guys inside of class because they are cute, or funny, or they seem like a very nice person, but they are not my friend. I don't know how to approach them in this situation either. I always think that if someone wants to talk with me, they will come and talk with me. If they don't and I try talking with them for whatever reason, I feel like it doesn't work out very well.

Reading this now, it sounds a lot like I'm socially awkward. Maybe I am a little bit, but I try to pretend I'm not. :D

My friends tell me that I have to change the way I am (or the way I act around guys and flirt) so I can attract more people, but that's not very easy. I tried and I still try, but it's not like I have a switch button in my brain.

- Too Shy




Dear Shy,

"Knowing" what your friends will say and actually asking them are two different things.

And you don't have to ask a room full of friends; just one or two close trusted ones.

I don't believe in "too shy".  I think learning how to talk to someone, how to ask them about them, how to show genuine interest, are all valuable skills that everyone needs to learn to develop.  You don't have to be the type of person that's the "life of the party" to get to know people better so that they're comfortable enough with you to ask you on dates.

Who cares if some other girl seems like she has a "better chance"?  What if he likes you more!  What if you're the kind of sweet, quiet, kindhearted girl he's been looking for and he never gets to meet you because you don't give either of you a chance?

You don't have to become someone else.  Just be the best you you can be, and give people a chance to find out how great you are.

- Bro Jo

Friday, June 23, 2017

What If You're Too Shy to Get Dates? - Part 1

Dear Bro Jo,

I have a question for you, but I think I'll need to explain what is happening first.

Well, I'm a 20 year-old girl, I live in Utah and I don't go on dates. Not because I don't want to. I really do, but guys don't.

There is something about me that don't attract good guys AT ALL.

All I have after me are Salt Lake City creepers.

It makes me very frustrated because I try my best. I try to look good with what Heavenly Father gave me, but it seems that it doesn't help too much.

I try to talk with people and participate (even though I'm extremely shy). I try to go out with my friends and meet my friends' friends.... Nothing works.

Boys get interested in every other girl but me. I don't know what I am doing. And my friends seem to get guys asking them out pretty easily, and they don't do anything. It just happens.

What should I be doing?

Any flirting advice to shy girl?

I kind of wish that boys realize that I'm there, but nothing works.

There's either something wrong with me or something wrong with them. And I don't get what it is.

- Too Shy




Dear Shy,

You know, without knowing you better I can't really say that you're doing anything wrong.

You may want to check out things like:

Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a BOY'S ATTENTION"


Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"

and

Bro Jo’s "TEN WAYS a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to CALL"

which might answer some of your questions, but I think you're ignoring a great resource:  your friends.

The girls AND the guys.

Ask them why no one is asking you on dates.

What they have to say will likely be quite valuable.


And let me know what they say.

- Bro Jo

Monday, June 19, 2017

Does He Like Her?

Dear Bro Jo,
A friend of mine told me about your blog and after reading a little bit I was wondering if you could help me out with a recent problem.

So, story time.

There's this boy that I have been spending a lot of time with recently.

Like, we've seen each other daily for the past two weeks where before we hadn't seen each other in a long time.

We flirt, mess around, play with family members, and just have a really good time together.  I've had a thing for this guy for a long time now, but when we met I was in a relationship, then when I broke up with the guy I was considered off-limits because his best friend liked me.

Now we're both single, I dealt with the best friend, and I still like him.  And throughout the last two weeks I thought we were getting along perfectly!  ...and then he killed it by telling me that he was looking for a relationship with someone else... Someone unlike anyone he'd dated before, and I don't fit that category.

I'm your standard Molly Mormon, someone who follows all the standards as best as possible and sometimes I feel like that isn't the most attractive thing in the world to do.  It's considered too "goody-two-shoes."

But anyways, we've talked about relationship stuff over time.  We've talked about what we want in a significant others, life in general, and have gotten to know each other really well.

Time goes on and I had the chance to do something extremely nice for this guy, something he wasn't expecting.

So I take the chance, and do this kind deed.  Well, when he discovers what I've done he tries to give the thing back and I won't let him.  So, instead he asks me on a date.  Did I get a pity date?

Like a date that's only happening because he thinks he owes me something?

I accepted the offer and am really excited for it, but fear being crushed.

Should I keep flirting with this guy and see where it goes?

What do I do?

Does he like me??

How do I know?

I'm not entirely sure what's happening... help?

Sincerely,

- Lost and Confused





Dear Lost,

If you're under 18 you make sure the date is a Casual Group Date, go on lots of those with lots of different guys, and stop worrying about relationships.

For now.

If you're Serious Single Dating age then you go on the date, flirt, be and have fun, and see where it goes.

We guys are just as Lost and Confused as you all are.  Perhaps he said what he did to see if you liked him... perhaps he's discovered how much he likes you ... maybe he's just seeing if there's a possibility of something more, and maybe he's just being nice.

If it means anything, this would be more of a "thank you" date than a "pity date".

Just go out and have fun!

Enjoy the journey.

- Bro Jo

Friday, June 16, 2017

What Does It Mean When He Stops Texting Her?

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi!

Thank you so much for making such an awesome blog! Your advice for LDS youth today really is priceless. Every week I look forward to reading the new posts.

But now I have a few questions of my own for you! Some quick background on me though, if it might help you understand my situation better. I'm a junior, and almost 17. I am a member of the VLC, as you put it. I love hanging out with my friends. I'm decent looking, and I'm pretty funny and friendly. I have a testimony and 'm committed to keeping the standards outlined in For the Strength of Youth.

I'm sure you're busy, so I'll make this as quick as I can:

At the beginning of the school year, I went to a group activity with several youth from my ward. While there, I met the cousin of one of my friends from my ward. I didn't really talk to this boy much, but I thought he was cute. Then, a few weeks later, my cousin ended up getting this boy's number from my friend and made me text him. I was kind of nervous to do that and thought that it was unconventional, but as it turned out, we kind of hit it off and texted quite a bit, off and on, for the next few months. (I know that texting is definitely not way the best way to communicate, but since we go to different schools and live about 30 minutes away from each other, it's the easiest way.) Since we started talking, we've gotten a group of friends together a couple of times-one time it was my idea, the next time it was his. I realized I was starting to like him, and I was pretty sure hat he liked me, too. I thought that he might work up the courage to set up a causal group date sometime soon, and I hinted a little bit that that would be fun.

However, during winter break, we stopped talking pretty much completely. I know that we didn't, don't, and shouldn't be talking all the time, but I thought it was odd that pretty much all communication had stopped. I've texted him a couple times recently to say hi and try to carry on a nice, casual conversation like we used to before, but he has seemed to be busy or something every time. As far as I can tell, I never did anything to offend him or turn him off.

Do you have any idea why things would have unexpectedly changed like this?

Did I not show enough interest in him when I was around him or when I was texting him?

My cousin (the same one that made me text him) says that I should tell him sometime soon that I like him.

Somehow, she thinks that doing that would be beneficial in some way. Should I follow her advice?

Should I just straight up ask him what changed?

Or should I just be glad that I got to know him a little bit and move on?

I'm pretty clueless, so any advice for this situation in general would be much appreciated.

PS-just to clarify, I have never intended to have this friendship go any farther than a friendship. Sure, a casual date now and then, but nothing more since we are young and should only be casual dating :)

Thank you so much for your time and advice!!

- Left Wondering




Dear Wondering,

You know . . . I don't think you should read too much into the change in behavior.  He could be busy with something new in his life, or just busy with that stuff that comes up at our age (school, work, family, Church . . . )

It could just be normal boys being dumb stuff.  (Which is not necessarily negative . . . especially at your age.)

Even if he's decided that he wants to spend his time and attention on someone else . . . as painful as I know that may sound . . . that is in no way a commentary on your value, attractiveness, or a negative comment regarding how cool and fun and smart you are.

I don't agree with your cousin.  If you pursue him more than you have at a time when he's backed off it's probably going to come across as annoying or desperate.  The ball is in his court.  You've made an effort, and the next step needs to be his.

I mean, if you see him, say at another gathering or a stake dance or something then by all means you should not ignore him.

Say hi.

Be Pleasant.

Maybe even (in a lighthearted way is best) give him a bit of a tough time for not texting you as much as he used to.  (If he counters with "well you don't text me as much, either" I think your response should be "when guys initiate contact it makes the girl feel special; when girls do all the initiating they come across as desperate".

Wink.  Smile.  Touch his arm.

Valuable lifelong skills you're learning here.


- Bro Jo

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

How to Get a Date Instead of Hanging Out

Dear Bro Jo,

So once again I am back here up at BYU-I.

I don't have a lot of dating experience.

There is this new awesome guy that lives in my complex. He just got back from his mission in Australia. I am trying to put myself out there just a little bit. but to be honest I’m not really sure what to do or not do.

I have only ever been on 2 dates.

I have fallen into a couple of "Hangout" situations. I am trying to avoid those, but I’m not sure how to go about this. can you please help me?

- Inexperienced





Dear Inexperienced,

Here's what you do:

1.  Don't invite him to your house, and don't accept invitations to his home.

2.  Flirt, a lot, lest he think that your unwillingness to "hang out" means you're not interested.

3.  Be prepared to spell it out for him when he either isn't getting it fast enough or asks why you're such an enigma.  Tell him that you'd like him to ask you out, and that you know that if you ever cross over into the "friend zone" it's never going to happen.

Good luck!

- Bro Jo

Monday, June 12, 2017

Should She Date the Non-member

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm fifteen and a half, and I was asked out by a non-member. Here is the conversation (on Facebook):

Boy: Hey, I've been meaning to ask you this for a few months now. Will you go out with me? I'd like to get to know you better. I feel like I don't know you well enough for the amount of time I've known you. I'd ask you in person but I have no idea what your schedule is like.

Me: Yeah! I'd like to! But, I can't until I'm sixteen (Sept. this year). Also, it has to be a group date, and the date has to include having dinner with my parents. So, if you don't mind waiting another eight months, yes I will go out with you. And thank you for asking!

Boy: Thank you! I'm willing to wait as long as I need to, and I'll follow any rules your parents set.

After that, we kept in contact to find out more about each other. One of the questions he asked was "What are you looking forward most to this year?" I gave him my answer and then he responded with "I'm really looking forward to dating you"

Later, he sent "I'm gonna be very happy in seven months"

Sincerely,

- Sprite




Dear Sprite,

Is he creepy or do you like him?

Because if you like him and he's willing to follow The Rules, I say Casual Group Date him!

If he's creepy . . . well, that's a slightly different story.  You'd certainly want to discourage him by ceasing the "contact".

- Bro Jo