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Tuesday, June 27, 2017

New Girl - Part 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Okay so yeah I know it's good to talk to guys, not just flirt.

I've actually been doing that.

Let me explain some scenarios.


Scenario 1

One guy that I'm interested in getting to know better, I met at institute. The first time I met him, he ended up asking for my number as I was leaving, and he said "I'll have to show you around Bountiful sometime." Then it never happened. So I saw him at institute the next week and we talked for a long time. I felt like the conversation was dying down and I was there for too long and he was getting bored. I was about to ask him when he was going to show me around Bountiful, but then another girl came over and started flirting with him. That get's to be super frustrating, especially because that particular girl is leaving to go to school out of state in a couple weeks. So then a couple days later I was having a texting conversation with him and he was telling me that he got a new car. I tried to hint that I wanted to see the car sometime, but he obviously didn't really get the hint. He just said he was sure I would see it sometime. So I responded with, "Well, you can show me your new car when you show me around Bountiful." Then he said, "Oh yeah, we can do that sometime! (with a smiley face- you know that's important haha.) Then after that he changed the subject. I answered his question, and then haven't heard back from him since.

Should I bring it up again when I see him at institute this week?

I already feel like I've been forward enough and he needs to take some initiative!


Scenario 2

Okay, here is the story for guy number 2.

I met him at a ward service opportunity on a Saturday. I went over to him and introduced myself. I did some flirting, but he asked me a lot of questions about me and I asked some questions about him. Then the next day at Church he was sitting behind me in Sacrament meeting, so afterwards I turned around and said hi and invited him to come to the Sunday School class that my cousin was teaching because my cousin was really worried that people wouldn't answer his questions and make comments during the lesson.

So this guy came to the class and ended up sitting by me. Before class started, I asked him a lot of questions about what he likes to do, and asked follow up questions and showed my interest in what he had to say. Oh yeah I even took something he said and shared a story about how that was relative in my life. Then our conversation ended because the class was starting. After class, I asked him if he was going to fhe and he said no because he had a softball tournament. I kinda froze after that cuz I was really hoping to see him again during the week, but I didn't know how to respond. So I told him I hope he enjoyed priesthood, and then I left. I think I missed multiple opportunities during that conversation. After a week went by, I saw him at church again. I talked to him and asked how his softball tournament went and then I asked him more about his softball team and how often they play, etc. Then he was super nice and asked me questions about if I went to fhe and how my first week of work was. Then I asked him if he liked game nights, because I was planning one for that night. He said he loves game nights, so I asked him for his number so I could send him an invite. Well he came to the game night, and he was actually the first one to show up. (Just a little side note, I am living with relatives here.) So when he got to my house, he talked to all my cousins and Aunt and was very friendly. Then a couple other people came so we started a game.

I didn't sit by him and didn't really have much of a chance for interaction. He ended up having to leave the game night early because he had stuff planned with his family. Tonight we had a stake FHE and we bumped into each other. I said something, and he said something in response, and then quickly walked away to where his friends were. The game night and my experience at FHE have kind of left me feeling discouraged. I don't know if I'm doing the right things to show I'm interested, or maybe I'm doing too much and it's freaking him out (I've had that happen before).

Where do I go from here?


Scenario 3

Guy number 3 is still very much in the works. I haven't had much opportunity to talk to him, but I am working on it!

My Aunt that I am living with is strongly encouraging my cousin and I to do double dates. I'm not a super big fan of double/group dates (depending on the activity) because you don't really get to know your date. However, if my cousin is the one planning the date, he can get certain guys to ask me on a date. Do you think that is a good idea? My worry is that guys might be freaked out and feel like I put my cousin up to it. (If you haven't noticed, I worry a lot because I have had a lot of experiences with guys being freaked out and thinking I'm too forward. I don't really know what I'm doing wrong. I have definitely seen people who are way more forward than I am!)

Sorry I have given you an overload of information and questions in this email! Haha I hope you're okay with that!

I just started working at Deseret Book last week, so I was doing some research on our website, trying to familiarize myself with the things we sell. I have a tendency to be drawn to books about dating, so I was reading about your book and on the page it talks about your blog. So I went and checked out your blog. I will probably end up reading your book because I like your opinions on Dating. Thanks for sharing that with us!

Sincerely,

- New Girl




Dear New Girl,

I think Boy #1 has had his chance.  Move on.  If he comes around, be open to an invitation, but for now I just think he's testing the waters, so I wouldn't put too much stock or importance into that one.  (Be careful not to get trapped into Too Much texting, it's impersonal, does little to advance a relationship, and you really loose so much of the nuances of a conversation; talk to real people, in person.)

As for Boy #2, I think you're doing the right things.  Don't be too aggressive; you don't want to come across as desperate . . . even if you are, because you have no reason to be.  Relax!  The phrase "when you stop looking for love, it will come to you" is, IMHO, absolutely true.

Forward doesn't work for everyone; I have no idea why, but I know it has little to do with attractiveness or lack thereof.

I respectfully disagree with your Aunt.  You're both Too Old to be dating like High School students.

Sounds to me like your Aunt is hoping your cousin will do more dating, and hoping you'll be his excuse and trainer.

Yeah, he needs to date more, but not with you tagging along.

Instead I think you two need to conspire to set each other up on Serious Single Dates.  You each have the ultimate advantage!  An opposite sex person in your ward with whom there is truly no possibility of dating who can tell you exactly what the other side is thinking of you, the information you need to know to attract those you like, and who will set you up on dates so you can hang back and play it cool; doesn't get better than that.

I think it's great that you''re outgoing and flirting and all of that . . . but I just keep feeling like you're . . . trying too hard.  For reasons I only partially understand, Good Guys get pushed away when girls are too aggressive.  I know that sounds contradictory from a guy who's often telling girls to go out and get guys to ask them out . . . maybe it's because you're so new in the Ward . . . maybe it's because of the demographic of where you're at . . . but I just get the sense that you need to back it off a bit.  Keep talking, keep meeting, keep being a little flirty, but give some of these guys a little space to clue in on their own.

Not forever.  Just give it a try for the next few weeks and let's see what happens.  Settle in.  Give these guys a chance to get to know you.  Let them see how fun and smart you are.

- Bro Jo

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