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Friday, April 4, 2014

Pre-Marriage Kissing (and Is Touching Okay with Clothes in between?)

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for you great blog that helps a lot of people, including myself.

I am writing you this email because I am somewhat concerned about something.

I am engaged to a wonderful LDS girl.

My worry is about kissing.

I often hear it is bad to participate in passionate kissing.

It is something really hard to follow.

I often feel guilty after we kiss because I feel we were a little bit too passionate.

I talked about it with my fiance but she doesn't feel we do something bad knowing that we are engaged.

There is never inappropriate touching but we sometimes kiss lying on the top of each other.

I decided I would stop doing this and asked my fiance to help me with this.

Even though she doesn't feel we do anything bad, she accepted.

Now, here is my biggest concern: yesterday while we were passionately kissing, I ejaculated.

It made me feel really guilty.

I don't know how it happened.

It wasn't intentional but I must admit my feelings were more those of lust than simple love.

I feel bad about it.

Is it something I should confess to my bishop?

If it is, I will do it immediately but I am just not sure.

Thank you for your help bro Jo!

- Worried

Dear Worried,

You should go see your Bishop whenever you've done something, or think you may have done something, that would put your Temple Worthiness in jeopardy.

Ejaculating while making out with your fiance (I'm assuming your pants were still on) is not one of those things, IMHO.  But if you feel the need, by all means have the talk with your Bishop.

You said that you "don't know how it happened" . . . and I could explain the physiology of "how it happened", but I don't think that's . your concern.  (If it is, let me know and I'll give you the straight-talk physiology.)

I think your issue is that it happened because your body and mind were ready for sex, and you "don't know how" because you were so caught up in the moment that instinct took over.

I think you two need to cool your jets.

Both of you.

Not because you're evil people.  Not because having these feelings of attraction to your fiance are bad.  But because, it seems to me, that you're putting yourselves in situations where the temptation to not be Temple Worthy is very strong.

If the wedding date is a long ways away, give serious thought to moving it up.

To, like, next month.

Or this one.

And if you two can't control yourselves, then you need to stop spending that type and quantity of alone time together.

Satan will work very hard to keep the two of you out of the Sealing Room, so until you're there the temptation is just going to keep getting stronger.

(By the way, and just so we're clear, "on top of each other" is "inappropriate touching" until you're married; "touching" doesn't just mean your hands, and it doesn't mean that clothing between you makes it all okay.)

Don't ever feel bad because you've chosen to be more careful.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

About going to see your Bishop. What do you think about reading a novel and coming across something that "turned you on" ?

Bro Jo said...

I can't answer all the "what ifs".

What I can say is that I don't think "being turned on" is in itself a bad thing; I think seeking out things with the sole intention of self-stimulating is . . .

What's that phrase . . .

"any man can notice, but it takes a gentleman not to stare".

As with all things, if you're concerned, talk to your Bishop.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

when I was engaged to my now-husband I felt really bad about "how far" our 'passionate kissing' went - so I went and talked to my Bishop about it. After all, I was an RM, and felt like I had broken covenants made in the Holy Temple.

I went in and confessed to my Bishop and he (with all the love and good will he possessed) pretty much laughed at my confession - I'm sure that the Bishop of a Single's Ward had heard MUCH worse than what we had done and what I had felt so guilty about. However, there was great peace that came to me as I confessed those things to him. There is a certain kind of healing that can only come with confessing to the right authority.

Not all Bishops will have the same reaction as mine did - they have the Spirit of discernment, and every situation will be different. But you can have the guilt gone and the peace restored just by getting it out, and taking the consequences.

Anonymous said...

This is the second time on your blog that a writer has accidentally ejaculated while making out. What are the odds that it's not ejaculate but rather just the secretions from the bulbourethral glands that comes out when a guy gets aroused?

That seems much more likely to me than an actual ejaculation. Maybe these guys just know know the physiology well enough.