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Friday, June 16, 2017

What Does It Mean When He Stops Texting Her?

Dear Bro Jo,


Thank you so much for making such an awesome blog! Your advice for LDS youth today really is priceless. Every week I look forward to reading the new posts.

But now I have a few questions of my own for you! Some quick background on me though, if it might help you understand my situation better. I'm a junior, and almost 17. I am a member of the VLC, as you put it. I love hanging out with my friends. I'm decent looking, and I'm pretty funny and friendly. I have a testimony and 'm committed to keeping the standards outlined in For the Strength of Youth.

I'm sure you're busy, so I'll make this as quick as I can:

At the beginning of the school year, I went to a group activity with several youth from my ward. While there, I met the cousin of one of my friends from my ward. I didn't really talk to this boy much, but I thought he was cute. Then, a few weeks later, my cousin ended up getting this boy's number from my friend and made me text him. I was kind of nervous to do that and thought that it was unconventional, but as it turned out, we kind of hit it off and texted quite a bit, off and on, for the next few months. (I know that texting is definitely not way the best way to communicate, but since we go to different schools and live about 30 minutes away from each other, it's the easiest way.) Since we started talking, we've gotten a group of friends together a couple of times-one time it was my idea, the next time it was his. I realized I was starting to like him, and I was pretty sure hat he liked me, too. I thought that he might work up the courage to set up a causal group date sometime soon, and I hinted a little bit that that would be fun.

However, during winter break, we stopped talking pretty much completely. I know that we didn't, don't, and shouldn't be talking all the time, but I thought it was odd that pretty much all communication had stopped. I've texted him a couple times recently to say hi and try to carry on a nice, casual conversation like we used to before, but he has seemed to be busy or something every time. As far as I can tell, I never did anything to offend him or turn him off.

Do you have any idea why things would have unexpectedly changed like this?

Did I not show enough interest in him when I was around him or when I was texting him?

My cousin (the same one that made me text him) says that I should tell him sometime soon that I like him.

Somehow, she thinks that doing that would be beneficial in some way. Should I follow her advice?

Should I just straight up ask him what changed?

Or should I just be glad that I got to know him a little bit and move on?

I'm pretty clueless, so any advice for this situation in general would be much appreciated.

PS-just to clarify, I have never intended to have this friendship go any farther than a friendship. Sure, a casual date now and then, but nothing more since we are young and should only be casual dating :)

Thank you so much for your time and advice!!

- Left Wondering

Dear Wondering,

You know . . . I don't think you should read too much into the change in behavior.  He could be busy with something new in his life, or just busy with that stuff that comes up at our age (school, work, family, Church . . . )

It could just be normal boys being dumb stuff.  (Which is not necessarily negative . . . especially at your age.)

Even if he's decided that he wants to spend his time and attention on someone else . . . as painful as I know that may sound . . . that is in no way a commentary on your value, attractiveness, or a negative comment regarding how cool and fun and smart you are.

I don't agree with your cousin.  If you pursue him more than you have at a time when he's backed off it's probably going to come across as annoying or desperate.  The ball is in his court.  You've made an effort, and the next step needs to be his.

I mean, if you see him, say at another gathering or a stake dance or something then by all means you should not ignore him.

Say hi.

Be Pleasant.

Maybe even (in a lighthearted way is best) give him a bit of a tough time for not texting you as much as he used to.  (If he counters with "well you don't text me as much, either" I think your response should be "when guys initiate contact it makes the girl feel special; when girls do all the initiating they come across as desperate".

Wink.  Smile.  Touch his arm.

Valuable lifelong skills you're learning here.

- Bro Jo

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