I just accidentally saw my dad looking at porn...again.
He had problems with it years ago, and either he's relapsed or has just been secretly viewing it all along.
My mom is out of town at the moment, and is such that I'm home only a few days a week.
This is a difficult one. He is kind of a person without remorse, as far as I can tell.
I know he never went to the Bishop for help a few years ago, and still went to my cousin's Sealing in the Temple completely unworthily.
I was (age withheld - a young adult) at the time and that really shook my faith.
My parents have never been perfect examples, but I still looked up to them like crazy and had a really hard time dealing with my disappointment in my dad.
That being said, back then, I felt a seething hatred for him.
Satan had taken hold of my heart. And through the experience, Christ taught me how to love someone despite something terrible that they were mixed up in.
He really did.
But, I come to you now asking advice for a newly broken heart. How can I love my dad through this?
Before you tell me to have a heart to heart, let me explain that I've done that before. My dad just denies it and tells me to mind my own business.
My family is not the kind to talk about anything of a personal nature, pretty much.
They pretend to be perfect Mormons and my Mom, most especially, protects herself in a glass bubble and refuses to let anything close enough or deep enough to hurt her. I know not to take this personally, I know it is his decision.
But how do I NOT take this personally?
He's my dad and I love him, I just need to know what you suggest.
This is one among many adding reasons I have a hard time finding faith or any desire to marry and trust someone.
I know we are all learning, myself included. I know I have no right to judge.
Please advise.
Thanks so much, you are awesome.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
Some of my biggest disappointments on life have come because of my unrealistic and unfair expectations of people.
I've expected them to do more, say more, be more ... than they are either capable, or than they think they're capable, of.
I think the Jo Kids (and perhaps Sister Jo, too) would tell you that I'm the King of Unrealistic Expectations.
And yet ... once in a while. .. one of them will thank me for pushing them. Probably not as often as they complain to their mother that I need to get off their back, though...
It's such a tough line... between being our brother's keeper and acceptance. .. between calling unto repentance and unconditional love...
I can not say I have mastered it.
And I must confess I am not a perfect person in everything I do.
What I can share with you. .. what I have learned and am trying to learn better ... is that no one likes to be chastised or corrected... and least of all a parent by a child.
It seems you have some experience with that.
You could go the next step above the heart-to-heart. ..which is simply telling him how it is ...
"Dad, I caught you looking at port again. Don't deny it. I saw what I saw. I'm tired of you pretending everything is fine. I'm tired of everyone looking the other way. I'm tired of you acting like you're a worthy temple recommend holder when you're clearly not. You're my father. Maybe that means I have unrealistic or unfair expectations of of you. That's the way it is with parents and kids. I know no one is perfect, but you clearly have an addiction and you need the Bishop's help to get over it. Whether you do or not is of course up to you, but I want you to know that your pornography problem is hurting all of us. Even those that deny it or don't know. I hope you hope that the man I marry won't have the problem you do. I want you know that I'm afraid to get married and learn that my husband is an unrepentant pornography addict. How am I supposed to trust a man enough to marry him if I can't trust my own father? "
Which is of course all true. And would make you feel better when you say (or write and give) it to him.
But will it get you what you hope for?
Probably not.
As I know you've learned, we can't argue anyone into conversion. Or repentance.
All we can do is teach correct principles and let the Spirit work on them.
Pray for your dad.
Personally and in Family Prayer.
Look for opportunities to bring the Spirit into your home and your life. Music. Talks. The Temple.
Talk of Christ. Testify of Christ.
Little Sister, if you believe that this situation is keeping you from feeling the Spirit in your home, then it's time to move out.
Don't run away. Simply acknowledge that it's time, make a plan, and go.
Lastly, you're an adult now; it's no longer appropriate to hang your fate on the actions or testimony of others. Regardless of what may be going on with your father, there are men out there that you can trust, that aren't addicted to pornography, and that are great candidates for an eternal companion for you. Finding one to be Sealed to for Time and All Eternity is your responsibility, not your father's.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
What an inspired message to me. Thank you for the advice. Thank you for listening.
- NW
Dear NW,
Anytime.
Thank you for the kind words.
God bless,
- Bro Jo
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