The "Where Is This Going?" Talk

Dear Bro Jo

I'll give you a little intro just so you know where I'm at. I'm 18 going on 19 and grew up in small town where I was the only church member in my high school. I grew up in a small branch and I was the only active Laurel and there were no young men at all in the branch. I didn't go to much of the stake youth activities because it was a pretty far drive and I lived in a pretty busy household. I'm in the city now going to college and will be totally done my program by the end of June. I live with four other girls and have become really really good friends with one (not that I'm not friends with the others, this one and I just have more in common etc.) I have never had a boyfriend and have never been kissed. So coming to YSA was a bit of a jump for me but I think I've adjusted to it and being on my own pretty well. Oh, also just so you know I have four older siblings who are all married. So let's cut to the chase.

Last month, my room mate set me up on a blind date with her cousin (an RM since last summer) and long story short, we're pretty much the same person. We like the same music, we do all the same things for fun, we even have the same eating habits. We both are really close with our families and are both the same level of Mormon (if that makes sense). We've seen each other twice since the date and I can't wait to see him again. And I know it's not a crush, maybe a bit of infatuation but I really like him and could see myself marrying him and him fitting in really well with the rest of my family. However, he lives in another city about an hour and a half away and going to school at a different college. I should mention that he's really academic and is super serious about getting into university.

So we've been talking on facebook and by text since the first date and according to my room mate he really likes me he just doesn't want a girlfriend right now because he wants to get into this program so badly. Which is totally fair and I've never liked the idea of a long distance relationship anyway. But I really like him and want to date him. And if I get asked on dates here I'm not going to not go but I don't want to date or become involved or whatever with anyone else. And he's such a great guy from what my room mate tells me and from what she's told me and what I've gained from my own insight, I feel like I don't deserve him...

So I guess what I'm asking is should I wait and just be patient until he decides he likes me enough to want to date me if that even is the case? Also, I think he's still pretty fresh off the mission and still isn't used to being home so is that also a factor I need to wait for?

-Kate




Dear Kate,

Well, first of all, put that whole "don't deserve him" garbage out of your head. You're a quality girl and a daughter of God! Any man should be so lucky.

Maybe this guy is someone who would be a great eternal companion for you; it sounds like he just may be. But you're right, the distance makes it difficult. It's still early in the relationship, so you're right to wait a little while to see how (and if) things progress. Sure, June will come up fast, but a lot can happen in three months. For now, just let things happen naturally, but if you continue to grow closer, and if he finds the opportunity to come and take you out a couple more times over the next few weeks, then perhaps in May, it will be time to have a talk with your guy.

You'll have to sit him down (these are best done in person, so he's going to have to come see you - if he won't or doesn't, then there's no need to have the talk) and put it to him. You'll have to tell him you like him a lot, that you can see this going somewhere serious, and while you don't want to push him you need to make some decisions, and you need to know how he feels and where he stands. And then be quiet and let him answer.

I wouldn't move to where he is just for him, unless he asks (begs would be better) you to, and even then if and only if it facilitates both your own life and the relationship moving forward. Still, I think you need to consider if completing your program will provide the opportune time to move For You, and if that move might just happen to be a bit closer to him.

Be patient, but not for too much longer.

One month is too soon to have the "where is this going" talk, but four months is totally appropriate.

Oh, and just so you know, and not to push you, but I expect that if the two of you haven't kissed by then (and I hope you have), unless the results of that talk are that you're going your separate ways (and maybe even then), the talk might result in some kissing.

And that's a good thing.

- Bro Jo

PS: Remember, it's more important what you think of this guy than what your roommate thinks. Way more important.