Hey Bro Jo!
I have gone on a couple dates with this guy...and the whole "boyfriend" subject came up....
Every family has a few rules in addition to the "For the Strength of Youth" so we were just talking about it and I wanted to know in your opinion if this is safe
be bf-gf, only double dates, and no kissing...
Love,
16 with a Boyfriend?
Dear 16,
Safe?
Safer than what?
Look, I know that much to my chagrin and consternation you teens, especially girls, are predisposed to the notion of being in a committed relationship. It brings comfort and confidence. Being in a relationship is an assurance of attractiveness, and you think it will eliminate a bunch of other worries as well (like: "who's going to take me to prom?" and "does that person like me?").
And I'm not so naive as to think that you all don't get in relationships all the time. Even the Jo Boys have had girlfriends . . . believe me, I understand the appeal. But no, it IS NOT a good idea. I don't recommend it. At all. There's nothing you can do, no rules, no boundaries, no limits, to guarantee any kind of . . . "safety".
[Tangent time. Parents - once a child is "in a relationship" it's often best to let it take it's course, offering well placed, but infrequent advice, and praying that the darn thing doesn't get out of hand. Take care not to object to loudly, lest Romeo think that only Juliet loves and understands him. DO NOT make the mistake of openly encouraging a relationship, even if the kids are still very young! It IS NOT "cute", it IS NOT "harmless", and it IS NOT "okay".]
The problem is this: commitment brings familiarity and comfort, and familiarity and comfort encourage physical stuff. Even if the girl isn't interested, by chemistry the boy is. I'm sorry, it's just the way we're wired. (Well, I'm not THAT sorry.) You need to know that, in general, while girls get into relationships for security, boys get into them for kissing and touching. I don't care what he says, no guy makes a commitment without the hope that kissing and touching will happen. Oh sure, lot's of guys will argue about that. All of them are liars. (Yes, it's that absolute; all of them. Lying. Guaranteed. Even the gays and the eunuchs.)
Plus, by being in a committed relationship you totally eliminate going out with any other guys, and in your teen years you're supposed to be learning what kinds of guys you like. You can't do that by only dating one of them.
[Another tangent. You may not know this, but lots of guys won't even consider dating a girl who's been in a previous relationship solely based on whom she was in a relationship with. Girls are often the opposite, I know, actually finding guys more attractive if they've previously had a girlfriend (especially, Sister Jo says, if that previous girlfriend is widely acknowledged as pretty). Guys, on the other hand, will say (and think) "I would never go on a date with her because she dated so-and-so and he's a total (insert adjective here), plus the last thing I want to do is kiss her (or hold her hand or whatever) if she kissed (or held his hand or whatever) that guy. True. At least it's true with Good Guys. Bad Guys often thing "well, she made out with that loser; it should be easy to get her to make out with me". Also true.]
Last, but not least, you need to realize the Future Drama that you invite into your life when you have a teen relationship. See, the relationship you get into now will end in one of two ways: marriage or breakup. If it's not leading to one, it's leading to the other. You, and all teens, need to understand that the purposed of a committed relationship is to get married; or to at least find out if you want to marry this person or not. That's why it's Very Smart to get into relationships as a Young Single Adult, and Not Smart to be committed as a teen. When you break up with this guy, whether by his choice or yours, the pain and drama (at least for one of you) will be increasingly unpleasant the longer you've been together.
As the Jo boys will tell you, it's not worth it.
Safe?
Not really.
Likely?
Maybe.
But, IMHO, not a good idea.
Stick to the Dating Rules and Casual Group Dating. Go out with this guy, but no commitments. And go out with other guys, too!
- Bro Jo
PS: You may want to check out "Bro Jo's Guide to Relationships" for more information.
No comments:
Post a Comment