He's Desperate for a Second Date - Part 4

Dear Bro Jo

I would say that the women I ask out fall in either b) or c). I'm certain that there are women who don't like me - and that's fine, that's their decision. But most of the LDS girls I know just don't wish to date anyone at all. They are quite content to just "hang out" with a guy until they've had their fun.

As I have explained previously, at my age I don't have the time to just "hang out" or to be in a non-progressive relationship. Just yesterday, I was talking to a couple of female acquaintances of mine who felt that it was a perfectly acceptable approach to "get to know" a guy over a considerable length of time - just hanging out and being buddies, of course - without ever going on a "date" (as you and I would define it). Because I don't believe in this method, not many women are willing to go out with me.

If a particular girl has already declined an invitation of mine, it would be rare for me to ask her out again - if I was to, it would be a number of months later. I try to focus my attention on those who are interested.

The problem is a major philosophical difference. A first date for the LDS girls around me is starting to be boyfriend/girlfriend; for me, that doesn't start until at the very least the third date - and even then, it shouldn't be rushed.

A significant reason why I think I don't get many second dates is because of the girl's fear of moving too quickly. I'm not even thinking about a relationship on a first date - I save those thoughts for the second and third dates. But it goes back to what I stated earlier - the women around me see a date as something you only do when you're part of a couple.

All I can do is be the very best person I can, continue to obey the commandments, and continue to ask girls out. And hopefully I'll find someone who has the same outlook on dating as I have!

Regards

D

PS: Haven't got the book yet (ordered it online); I'm sure many of the answers I'm looking for are contained within its pages.



Dear Disappointed,

Have you considered that at your age you might want to do less playing the field and more focusing on one special woman?

I'm thinking that the women you know might have tagged you as a "player" who can't be taken seriously. I'm not sure how many women don't want to go out with you (and I find it interesting that you identified them as "women who find you repulsive" and "women who hate all men").

It does sound like you're on the right track when you talk about being the best you you can be and doing that which we're supposed to do . . . but you also aren't taking any responsibility for your situation, and haven't talked about the type of women you do go out with.

I still think you need to widen your circle.

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo

I must admit, your response didn't make much sense. I'm unsure of what you meant by "not taking any responsibility for (my) situation"?

Like we have discussed, I have neither the time nor the inclination to play the field; my intention is to focus on one special woman - but dating a wide variety of people in order to identify a solid prospect is important too. After all, I could easily just "hang out", but I restrict that sort of interaction with the opposite sex to a very limited amount.

When I've gone on two dates with a certain girl, if everything has gone well, I always intend to stop seeing others so that I can focus exclusively on that one girl. The types of women I do go out with are ones which I meet in Church settings - YSA activities, firesides, etc. I certainly don't favour beauty over brains - attraction is extinguished for me very quickly if there's no inner strength beneath the outer beauty.

I've even been going on dates with non-LDS girls (is that what you mean by "widen your circle"?). They are aware of my standards - what I will do and what I will not do - and dating experiences with them have always been very rewarding. None of them have shown any interest in the Church (so we don't continue dating) but I have also been able to learn different perspectives - and do some missionary work with them too.

If the women around me have indeed tagged me as a "player" then that is very sad. That is one thing I am not. They could even use that as an excuse to reject date invitations from me and other worthy and capable men. And that is even sadder. They're not category a) - otherwise there wouldn't be much hanging out going on. Perhaps they fall into category e) - strangers more than I realize. What the women do is something I can't control. What I can control is what I do. And that is being the right man for the right woman.

Regards

Disappointed



Dear D,

That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about!

Let's try this: tell me about the last three women you went out with.

Where did you meet them? How long and how well did you know them before asking them out? What was the first date like? How did it end? Did you go out with them again? Why or why not? What attracted you to each woman?

- Bro Jo