He's Desperate for a Second Date - Part 5

Dear Bro Jo

I actually wrote to you a month or two ago in regards to my dating frustrations. You suggested that I go on 3 dates and give you some feedback. So here goes...

The last 3 girls I have been out with are all LDS, and ones I have met at YSA activities. The thing that attracted me to each of these women was their spirituality and maturity.

Girl #1. I was in an Institute class with her, and was extremely impressed with her contributions to class discussions. So I sat next to her the next week, introduced myself and started chatting about Institute. I encouraged her with her great gospel living. I also said that I wanted to get to know her more and would she like to go out on the weekend? She accepted and we had an enjoyable date. The day after I called her to thank her (and to ask her out again). She used the usual rejection line "You're an awesome guy, but I don't want to go out again". I'm always prepared for rejection (serving a mission and asking hundreds of girls for dates has given me great experience), but I didn't expect this girl to say that. She gave nothing but green light signals on our date. Perhaps I will try her again in a few months.

Girl #2. This girl I had known for a number of years. We had been on a date or two a long time ago, but when I was talking with her, I was prompted to ask her out. Again, the date was great - but it just felt like a catch up session with an old friend you haven't spoken with in a while. She expressed on our date that she saw me as a "brother", so there is no foreseeable future for a relationship there.

Girl #3. A little different here. I just saw this girl across the room with some of her friends (mostly mutual ones) and I went over to join the conversation. I began to focus more on her, because I was prompted to ask her out even though she didn't seem too keen. We did go out, but I couldn't help the feeling that she was only there to be nice. I would rather not be on a date with someone who doesn't want to be there, so I made an extra effort to make the time productive and enjoyable for us both. When I called her the next day, she was very appreciative of my efforts and kindness. Although she wasn't attracted to me (I think she liked someone else), she couldn't believe that I was still single! A very nice compliment - among the best I've received. :)

So, that's a little of what I've been trying. I'm still no closer to marriage - or even a relationship - but I hope you can see that I am taking responsibility and improving myself.
Where do you think I should go from here, Bro Jo? Should I go and hire a personal dating coach - like Hitch from Hitch? (very funny movie by the way) I look forward to hearing from you soon. Happy new year! :)

Regards

D




Dear D,

You should keep doing what you're doing, but I also think you need more information. That doesn't mean hiring a dating coach (if there is such a thing), but it may mean either getting more information from these girls or a trusted friend (perhaps a Bishopric member) that knows you and your situation well.

For example:

With Girl #1 (whom, by the way, you should have waited a day or two to call - the next day is too soon), I think you were entitled a follow up question. "Okay, well can you help me out here; I thought we had a pretty good time, you're a nice girl, I'm a nice guy, why don't you want to go out with me again?"

With Girl #2 I think you should have pressured her to clarify that statement (I had something similar happen, by the way; a girl I was head-over-heels for told me we were "too good of friends" to date - which we both know is a load of garbage - I found out years later that she really liked me but didn't want anything too serious at that point in her life); you're right, the "brother" label is a nice way of saying she's not interested in you, but you need to take advantage of that and find out from her WHY she's hanging that label on you: "well okay, Sister, help a brother out; what is it about me that girls find so undatable?"

And with Girl #3 you could have parlayed that into another date opportunity with someone else: "thank you, that's the nicest thing I've heard; I don't suppose you have a friend, roommate or sister that might feel the same?" (Girls LOVE to set up guys they've gone out with - when it doesn't work out - with someone else; they see it as a win-win.)

Information proceeds revelation; you can't know what to do or fix, or even that you need to do or fix anything, until you have more data. If you can go back and get the data from these girls (and I say it's never too late), you should. You also need to talk to someone there that knows you well (again, like a buddy and/or bishopric member) to find out what's going on.

You didn't mention what your dates consist of, and that may be helpful, too.

Keep dating.

The only other thing I can tell you, until you and I have more information, is that it sounds like you might be too picky. (Didn't I mention that before?) At your age, three dates in three months is not enough. That doesn't mean that you have to go up and ask random strangers for dates (all though I am impressed that you went up to the girl across the room.) Widen the circle. Meet more people. Ask out that shy girl in the corner that may not be your ideal but might just turn out to be a wonderful person; that girl at the activities who's roommate always gets asked out but not her. Take that girl to dinner that your friends think you should go out with, but you've always come up with some excuse not to ask.

Be patient.

And don't give up.

Report back with more information and after you've logged three more dates (which should only take a month!)

Good luck!

- Bro Jo