Dear Bro Jo,
I am a 22 year old college graduate who is seeking some advice!
Over
the last few summers I have had the opportunity to work with young
single adults at various camps. It's been a wonderful experience and I
have met a lot of great people.
Some of which that I dated.
I was
fairly involved at the LDS institute that I attended and I made every
effort to serve on the councils they have there. I found myself going
to the school football and basketball games and had a blast embracing
every opportunity college offered me.
I recently earned my bachelor’s
degree. I am now moved out into a new apartment complex and am
working full time.
Most of my close friends are married.
Each time I
make new friends they quickly find people and get married. It's all a
part of the process of growing up.
Now I find myself seeking to settle
down with someone.
My struggle is finding a someone to settle down
with.
There aren't many prospects in my ward and let's be honest... I
don't go to Church to find an eternal companion. I go to strengthen my
relationship with God.
Now that I am graduated and am working odd
hours due to the nature of my job it is difficult to know where to
look or how to find new friends.
If there is a guy that interests me,
I have no problem in pursuing him and asking him out. I feel as if I
am a forward person and I enjoy putting forth that effort.
Lately I
feel as if my attempts have not been successful. I don't want to be
idle. I want to continue to be a woman who acts.
I understand that the
Lord has specific timing for each of us and right now I need to focus
on becoming the kind of person I would want to marry.
As I wait upon
the Lord I want to continue to seek out dating opportunities but I
don't even know how or where to begin!
Sincerely,
- Going in Circles
Dear Going,
It sounds to me like all you need to do is make a couple adjustments in your approach and thinking.
For example, while I agree that our primary reason for going to Church should be to strengthen our relationship with God, as a Young Single Adult that BY DEFINITION includes finding an Eternal Companion.
I'm not saying that you should go to Church for the sole purpose of hitting on members of the opposite sex (I've been to YSA Wards; I know that happens - pathetic), but you're working against yourself if you're putting out a "don't talk to me, I'm only interested in talking to Heavenly Father" vibe.
You strike me as an open, outgoing and friendly person; that shouldn't shut off just because you walk into the Chapel or Sunday School.
Secondly, I think you may want to consider widening your "interests me" pool.
You should show interest, and by that I mean "talk to and get to know better" ALL decent guys your age.
I don't know for certain, but something in your phrasing has me thinking that you may be ruling out some guys you shouldn't.
Third, and to my mind most importantly, you need to change your approach to dating.
You're giving me this image of a girl who's stand off-ish until she has the hots for someone and then she shifts from zero to hot pursuit in five seconds.
One can be "active' without being "aggressive".
I have this picture in my head. I'm in your ward and a great guy comes up to me and says "I really like that girl, and I'd like to ask her out, what should I do?" and, based on your email, I'd have to tell him "well, there's really nothing you can do; hopefully she'll take an interest in you and ask you out, of course you won't know if she's interested until she asks you out, and if she does she's going to want to go from nothing to engaged right away because, although she's been avoiding relationships all of her adult life, now she's ready to get married and doesn't want to waste any time".
Do you see what I'm saying?
First dates aren't reserved for the guys who've already made the cut and you're willing to marry; they're about getting to know people.
Casually.
No pressure.
We call it "Serious Single Dating" not because we only date people we're already serious about, but because we're now taking dating seriously.
You should be dating every decent guy that asks.
Now is not the time to be limiting the pool.
AND, I can't stress this enough, you have absolutely Got To STOP Asking Guys Out.
Seriously.
This is not an issue of "men oppression" or "woman power", it's about culture.
Guys who liked to get asked out fall into one of only two categories:
a) Lazy Guys with no goals who have no intention of getting married anytime soon (typically because it will mean less time for themselves)
and
b) Bad Guys who figure that a girl this desperate is like to be willing to be more physical than she should.
Little Sister, you need to learn how to get guys to ask you out.
Still requires intelligence.
Still places you in a position of femininity and power, but has a totally different result when it comes to how men will see (and value) you.
Check out
Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"
You're a great girl; allow the men around you to discover that.
Don't change who you are by any means, but allow them to realize that you deserve to be chased and treated well when caught.
Oh, and don't be negative about set-ups and blind dates and Social and Service (Especially Service!) Activities in other Wards and Stakes.
This is the point where we look to create opportunities.
Let your Roommates and Relatives set you up!
(Heck, I have no idea why y'all don't do a better job of setting each other up on dates.)
There's no reason to label you as desperate; all I'm saying is that you need to focus all of that energy in a slightly different way.
Be Approachable.
- Bro Jo
[Dear Readers,
I have no idea if anything I wrote helped this young writer, or even was anything she thought was worth listening to or trying, but I've learned that she is now married.
Thought you might like to know.
Cheers,
- Bro Jo]
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