Never Been Kissed: When You've Been Raised to Fear the Opposite Sex

Dear Bro Jo,

I am almost 19 years old and I have never been kissed....

But before you say something like "oh that doesn't matter!" I need to explain more.

Everyone says that I am scared of boys, snd truth is.... I am really awkward around them.

I don't know how to act, or what to say... and its not the normal jitters.

My mom says that I was raised to be afraid of boys because she is.

My mom was raped when she was a girl, and when her parents found out, they did nothing.

No help, no therapy, nothing.

She says that because she was raped, she raised me to be scared of boys.

And I suppose its true....

I am extremely cautious with boys. I automatically assume the worst.

I don't like boys touching me (unless I want them to... like hugs) and I get really awkward and strange if they do.

For instance, I went on a blind date once with my cousin, I didn't know the guy and about 10 minutes into the date he sat on my lap. I wasn't okay with it, but I didn't know what to do.

I froze, and then as soon as he got off, I ran upstairs and completely ditched him the rest of the night.

I know that it was a horrible thing to do, but I physically couldn't handle it.

I feel pathetic.

My dad, mom, cousin, aunt, and friends have all seen it and feel the need to tell me every time it happens.

Even in a normal day to day situation, I always assume the worst. I see most men as predators.

I try to avoid any person who looks "sketchy" and I'm not sure how to explain what makes me see them that way,usually it is just older men though.

When it comes to boys my own age, I still see them as potential predators (Unless I like the boy, but I am still really awkward around him).

I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like there is nothing I can do.

Everyone tells me I need to just get over it, but I don't know how.

I am hoping that you can give me some sort of advice to help me get over it.

Thanks for everything!

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

If I showed your email to the Jo Boys that are your age they'd say "well, heck! give me her address and I'll go take care of that problem right now!"

All jokes aside, I don't think the solution is to just run right out and start kissing guys, nor do I think that this is one of those things that one just "gets over".

You're not pathetic, and your concerns are both understandable and real.

You may want to consider getting some professional counseling, especially if these phobias are effecting your life in a consistent negative way.

(I don't think you were wrong, by the way, to ditch the boy that sat on you. He went too far, made you feel uncomfortable, and that's not okay. I'm also disappointed that when you left him he seems to have made no effort to fix what he did wrong.)

I think that, shy of counseling, what you can do is take things one simple step at a time.

Consider yourself a "late bloomer"; it's like you're starting over.

First dates, even when we're Serious Single Dating age, are not supposed to be big pressure deals. 

When you feel comfortable with a guy, perhaps because you've dated him several times, let him hold your hand.

When that becomes more comfortable, maybe you let him kiss you goodnight.

One step at a time.

And only when you're ready.

Good Guys will understand.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thamks a bunch!!

It really is a confidence boost to see that, so thanks again!!

- NW