What Do You Do When Your Roommate and Her Boyfriend are Going Too Far?

Hi Bro Jo!

I'm a 20 year old college student and I really like your blog. You give great advice and tell it straight, which I know I greatly appreciate.

I realize that you usually deal with issues regarding dating and relationships, and this is kind of like that, but also kind of not. I'll just explain.

I'm living in an apartment with three other girls. We are all LDS and we get along pretty well. Three of us are in our 20s.

Our fourth roommate, Jane*, just barely turned 18.

I'm not complaining about her age. I have plenty of friends who are that age or younger, however she is the problem in this particular scenario. The problem is her and her boys.

Plural.

Around the beginning of November she got out of a relationship with a guy, Pete*, she'd been dating for several years, "seriously dating" as in they-were-planning-their-wedding-and-he-hasn't-even-gone-on-a-mission-yet serious.

She cut it off because he had some issues regarding being able to go on a mission.

Fast-forward about two weeks and she's seriously dating another guy, Harry*, who also has yet to go on a mission.

And when I say "seriously" I mean they spend most of their time at each other's apartments cuddling.

I once walked in to find them both horizontal on the couch.

I don't think they were doing anything more than kissing but needless to say, it's really awkward and I don't feel comfortable in my own apartment.

I spent the last half of last semester at other apartments just to avoid them.

The three of us are really worried about her.

We think that Harry is a rebound and a kind of place-holder for Pete, because Jane still talks to and about him.

Jane hasn't been single since middle school.

Which we're thinking shows low self-esteem and insecurity.

Which you can also tell from other things that I won't get into.

Anyway we think they're in an extremely flammable situation that could blow at any time.

They're both good people but I don't think they realize how serious this could get.

I know that she was also very physical with Pete when they were dating so she may not know anything else. 

My question is should we talk to her about what we're seeing and if so, what can we tell her so that she'll realize how serious this is in a way that doesn't create a bad mood in our apartment?

Thanks for your help!

-Curious and Concerned Roommate




Dear Roommate,

I kind of feel bad for her; you're absolutely right in your assessment of her need to validate her worth/beauty/whatever by always having a guy in her life and quickly getting inappropriately physical with them . . . not that horizontal kissing isn't great (said the Old Married Guy) - it IS, but its not exactly how a single girl (or guy) gains the love and respect of the people in their lives (including the person they're kissing).

And let's be honest, no one is "only kissing" when they're prone.

If you and your roommates all agree, you can certainly team up and tell her no more making out in the apartment; if she can't deal with that, then she'll have to move.

(Frankly, I think you should have a "no boys over ever" rule.)

If your roommates aren't on your side, then you're the one that will either have to deal with it or move. The roommate stuff you can and absolutely should deal with.

Now, can you talk to her about her . . . "relationships"?

You could.

Maybe she'll listen.

Maybe she won't.

If you are going to talk to her, I think it's best to start with a calm, Not At All Confrontational, apartment meeting, where in non-accusatory adult tones the four of you discuss how you feel about having guys over and PDA.

Don't use the word "you", only say "I"; so it's not "You need to get some self-esteem and stop swapping spit with every guy you meet", but rather "it makes me uncomfortable when boys are over here, especially if it involves kissing".

You get the idea.

Don't back her into a corner, just establish some ground rules.

And don't get defensive when she tries to turn this whole thing into a "you're all just jealous because I'm getting kissed and you're not" thing. Even if you and the roomies are a little jealous (and, let's be honest, you very well may be), that doesn't give anyone permission to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

In ALL (including marriage) shared living situations, one person's desire to do whatever they want does not trump the desire of someone else to be bother-free.  A quiet place to live wins out over "it's my music and I can play it as loud as I want whenever I want".

(Some people really don't get that, but I just chalk it up to immaturity, selfishness, or kicking against the pricks.)

When you've said your part, just calmly let her state her feelings, and then stick to the subject.

If you have a close relationship with her, like that of a Big Sister, then when all the dust has settled, if the Spirit is right and the moment comes up, then talk to her about this specific relationship.

Ask her how this relationship is going; show genuine interest and concern.

Teach her (and testify) that as a Daughter of God her value comes from within, not from having a boyfriend. 

Tell her that you think this new guy is great, and that you're very happy for her, but let her know that because she's so awesome she doesn't need to . . . be physical with a guy to keep him. 

Not if he's a Good Guy.

Good luck.

Let me know how it all goes.

- Bro Jo