Dear Bro Jo,
I love reading your blog. It has answered a lot of my questions and I think it is a great resource for young single adults to have.
I am a 20 year old, female, BYU student.
Recently, I have been at a crossroads-confused and going crazy on what to decide. I have been thinking recently about going on a mission.
However, I desperately want to get married and feel like I will blow my chance with a certain guy if I do go on a mission. What do I do? I want to make the right decision in my life.
I don't want to live with the regret.
I don't want to look back on my past and wish I would have gone the other way.
I feel like I will be letting people down if I do not go on a mission and be giving up great experiences. At the same time, I will like if I do go on a mission I will never get married.
Any advice?
Sincerely,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
How does the guy feel about you?
How close are the two of you to getting married?
hen you ask him if you should go, what does he say?
We don't choose to go on a mission because we don't want to disappoint others; we choose to go because we want to serve the Lord and help others.
- Bro Jo
*Readers: I actually got this email before the age change announcement last October Conference. I'm not certain what this sister decided to do, but I think her email speaks to several things.
1. Often we go through lots of worry and stress about our relationships . . . where we stand, how things are going, what are they thinking . . . all of which could be easily cleared up if we would simply just TALK to each other.
2. I believe that Information Precedes Revelation; before the Spirit can Guide us, we need to do our part, and that includes getting all of the facts. . . . and maybe the opinion or two of others.
3. Often when we're not "getting an answer", that IS the answer. It's also possible that the problem is that we're not asking the right question.
4. Candidly, I'm more than a little worried that Missionary Service for Girls has become, for some of you, "the popular thing to do". For lots of guys the age change simply meant they could leave earlier. As we've seen girls rushing to turn in paperwork, many of whom had previously not really given any thought to serving . . . well, while I of course think serving a mission is a good thing . . . let's just say I'm a touch concerned.
5. I still believe, color me old fashioned if it makes you feel better, that no sister should forego a Temple Marriage to a Good Man whom she loves and he loves her enough for them to be Good Eternal Companions, in favor of missionary service. Marriage and Motherhood are higher callings than "Sister Missionary"; no woman should ever be made to feel "less special" because she got married instead of going on a mission. A Mission is a Good Thing, if honorably served, no doubt about it . . . but for sisters it should not replace the other if the opportunity is there. IMHO.
I look forward to your comments.
Best to all,
- Bro Jo
23 comments:
Amen again, Bro Jo! When the announcement came, I too, who had never even considered a mission before because it just didn't feel right for me, suddenly wondered if I should do. I love missionaries/missionary work, and a mission seems insanely spiritually strengthening. I fasted and prayed about it, and the feeling of "it's great, but we have other plans for you" returned full force. While I know I have agency and could go if I wanted, I also know that things will be best if I don't. There's something I'm meant to do, though I don't know what yet. Maybe it's marriage, maybe it's something else, but it's just as important as a mission is for others. I'm completely at peace with my decision because there are so many other ways to hasten The Work. However, all of my friends are putting in their papers. The worst part is that almost every friend, parent of a friend, or relative asks me if or when I'm going on a mission. When I politely and timidly say that I'm not, they get this massively disappointed look mixed with a little disdain, like "Oh, she must not be worthy. How sad, all that wasted potential". I can't stand it! Just because every other sister I know appears to be going, doesn't mean I have to! There's a weird mentality going around, Bro Jo. Very weird.
We need more girls like Emilie. Lots of girls are wondering if something is wrong with them because "all the other girls are wanting to go serve and I don't". We need more girls like Emilie to speak up and show that it's completely fine to not want to go on a mission. I also agree that women should put marriage ahead of a mission if the opportunity is there. I was in an exclusive relationship when the announcement was made. We were talking marriage and then the announcement was made and she decided that she now wanted to serve a mission. Not only that, but I received a lot of backlash from her sisters and her female friends: "how dare you intend to take her away from serving??" "why are you wanting to put yourself higher than the work??" It was difficult. She reported last month and that was that. I'll write her on occasion.
The way I see girls and missions from the side of an RM: bishoprics will go to the relief society to teach the girls the importance of supporting the guys so the guys can go on a mission, but bishoprics will never go to elders quorum to tell the guys about how they need to support the sisters so they can serve. It's annoying to have girls accuse RM's of "trying to fight against the work of the Lord" for wanting to marry a girl instead of letting her go on a mission.
I don't knowif girls are going because it's popular. I agree that for the women of the church if marriage is an opportunity and they have prayed about it and have received the answer of yes or of it's your choice then they should pursue that path. The only way I think that a girl should change the path from marriage to mission is when she prays about the guy she is seriously dating and the answer is a resounding no or even a tiny no, if the answer is this guy isn't for you then she can pursue a mission if she's prayed about that as well. The reason I say that girls aren't going because it's popular is I know many girls before the age change who had the mentality of "I'll go on a mission if I'm not married by then and it feels right." Then the age change of two years for girls happened and the girls with that mentality started thinking I'm not married I should go.I won't disagree that there are girls going because "EVERYONE" is going I just don't think it's the majority.
To the second anonymous comment, I attend BYU and can say that there are, in fact, A LOT of girls that are going because they feel bad about not feeling like they need to go while many of their friends do.
I too, am glad I am not the only one out there, just like Emilie. I would absolutely love to serve a mission, but it just isn't what I'm supposed to do. I am at BYU-Idaho and am pretty sick of girls asking me "so are you going on a mission, too?" and when I say "no,the Lord has other plans for me", the response is usually "...oh...." and they walk away. (Not even kidding. This has happened multiple times. I hope these girls don't do that when someone on the street in their mission field says they're not interested in hearing their message about the church.)
I really don't care what they think of me, because I know I'm on the right path for ME. But I do find it upsetting that so many girls seem to jump into this like they would many other bandwagons - and expect others to as well. Don't get me wrong, this is one of the best bandwagons of our generation! But to think differently of people just because they are not going to be serving the Lord through a full-time mission is pretty inconsiderate. I just try not to talk about it. I really don't want to come off as being resentful. I'm not. I actually have a bit of an idea of what the Lord has in store, and good golly I'm excited! And going on a mission really is an exciting, yet humbling, life-changing experience, and I'm so happy that so many young women are taking this opportunity. I know several young women who have decided to go, and even *I* know this is definitely the right thing for them, that they are truly giving themselves to the Lord. It is wonderful to see! However, it is just as important to remember that our Heavenly Father has a plan for everybody, and everybody's plan is different.
I really try not to feel down about myself and the Lord's plan for me by comparing myself to others. It's very hard to not feel this way here. In fast and testimony meeting last month, numerous people went up and bore their testimony on missionary work. Many times people spoke of a mission being the most important thing anybody can ever do, and one girl (an RM) straight out told us all in her testimony "even if you think it's not for you, a mission is for you. Everybody should serve a mission, no matter their excuse."
I knew she was wrong, but her comment and others like that (ALL of testimony meeting) really bothered me.
Like Emilie said, I too, am at peace with my decision on the inside. I just wish young women here would be a little more accepting of that.
Sorry to rant. I've only told one person this and, quite frankly, am a bit relieved to read that I'm not the only one.
I am 19 and a mission had been on my mind a lot when the announcement was made and at first I thought a mission was the right thing for me to do. But as the weeks went on I felt confused and was doubting. It was after more serious prayer and a re-reading of my patriarchal blessing that I realized that it is more important for me to continue on my current path and not go on a mission. Sometimes I have a strong desire to go and it's harder to stick with my decision because I love missionary work and all my friends are going and I want to be a part of the excitement, but I know in my heart and am constantly being reminded that it is not what is right for me at this time. A lot of my friends are saying that I'm staying behind so I can get married, but I don't think it's wise to assume that. I don't know the exact reason I'm staying, but I know that because of my choice that I will be blessed.
Whether it's "the majority" or "a lot" or a certain percentage, there are definitely enough girls experiencing this problem to the point where it needs to be addressed. We shouldn't just ignore it because "we don't know if it's the majority" of girls that are experiencing this.
I have also decided that a mission is not for me right now. Especially with my little sister, cousin and a few friends deciding to go i felt a little guilty about. I had to really ponder why I wasn't going, would I be bad at it? Am I just afraid? etc but came to know that I could go and I would a wonderful missionary. It'd just not what I need to do be doing now. My sister helped alot by reassuring me that a mission is not for every women so don't feel guilty about it
I second Laura's frustration with being asked over and over if/when I'm going. No one asked when I turned 21 a little over a year ago before the age change. All of a sudden it's the thing to do.
But I know what I have decided in not going is right so it doesn't matter what others think.
Thanks Anonymous #1! Ah, Laura, I am so happy you commented. Literally every female LDS friend I have who's not married or engaged is going (interestingly enough, they were all planning on it even before the announcement). It truly is amazing, although "Are you going on a mission?" has become my least favorite question on earth simply because of the condescension that generally follows.
But like you said, Laura, I really am happy for my friends who are serving, and I support them wholeheartedly. And a few years from now, they'll understand why I did what I did. Because it's going to be good:)
Someone once told me "Always be worthy to serve, that way you're ready for whatever the Lord has in store for you, be it a mission or otherwise. I've done that, and I do feel that living worthy to serve a mission is leading me to what I'm supposed to do even though it's not a mission. As long as I know I'm doing okay by my Heavenly Father, I'm satisfied.
I'm really glad that both Emilie and Laura commented. I feel the same way. Although I have not found an answer about whether or not I should go on a mission when I turn 19 in just over a year, I have become almost resentful at people's reactions to the missionary age change.
Before the change, my parents, both of whom went on missions, really wanted me to go. However, while I knew I would disappoint them if I didn't, I knew others would understand and respect my decision if that was the path I chose for myself.
But with the greatly exciting announcement, it has not only become a popular "bandwagon," but almost an expectation for Latter Day Saint women. Unfortunately, many people in my ward say that I am "perfect" (let me assure you the phrase is very far from being even close to true) and "strong" in the gospel, and because of this, almost every one of them has decided that I will be serving a mission, not having realized it's my choice, not a commandment. When they ask me when I'm going to submit my papers, or if they don't know me as well, ask if I will be serving a mission, I reply that I'm not even sure at this point in my life that serving a mission is God's will for me. I get the same "oh" reaction from almost everyone. But in addition to this, almost every single one of them tries to convince me to do it by saying how good I would be as a missionary, or guilt me into saying I will serve by saying things like, "you wouldn't want to save people's souls and bring them to happiness?" In fact, the pressure is becoming almost unbearable, especially from my family. I feel the need to serve a mission just because others expect me to go on one, and it's a good thing. But I know this is the wrong reason to go on a mission, and I'm not going to decide to go or not until I feel like Heavenly Father has given me an answer, which I'm not ready for at this point in my life.
I would hope that when I get an answer, if it is that I shouldn't go on a mission, that people won't be disappointed or angry with me, and respect my decision, realizing that Heavenly Father has something else in store for me. But even more, I would hope others don't think I chose to serve a mission because everyone else is and because they thought I should. Don't get me wrong, I fully support and love the missionaries. I've been invited to close to 50 different farewells this summer because of new missionaries, and I've gone to everyone I could because I support people in their decisions to follow God's plan for them and bring people into our wonderful gospel. I would just hope that they do the same for me, no matter what God's plan is.
Thank you for the comments about choosing to serve a mission. They give me the strength to fast and pray and wait for an answer without making decisions that aren't the best for me.
A lot can happen between 18 and 19 . . . especially for YSA Women.
- Bro Jo
You know from a guys point of view. I am amazed and thrilled that so many women are going on missions. It is also a little sad, when in my singles ward it seems like 30% to 40% of women are going on missions.
It also gets hard when trying to date. It gets a little tough trying to find a woman not going on a mission within the next month or so.
Ladies, I had a lot of worries posting that comment. I was seriously afraid of being criticized. I'm so glad we're on the same page and that we are NOT alone in this!
And Bro Jo, thank you so much for pointing out that Marriage and Motherhood are higher callings than "Sister Missionary". I had honestly forgotten that. I occasionally hear negative things about marriage from plenty of single folk, even people preparing for their missions. "Nah, I don't wanna get married now. Not when I can serve a mission!" "Ptth, marriage. Sure, just leave all your friends!" "EVERYBODY is getting married. UGH!" (granted, much of what I hear is joking/sarcastic... they are still negative words, and the mindset that comes with speaking those negative words is not one I really want to associate with marriage.) It is looking like marriage is part of what the Lord has in store for me, and I really needed that reminder. Not because I need to be told I'm doing something "better" than another - not at all - but I just need the reminder that what I am doing with my life is just as important in bringing about the work of the Lord.
Attention Sisters:
I'm going to tell the guys the same thing I've been telling you: don't wait around dateless for someone to come home from a mission; there's nothing wrong with finding a Great Eternal Companion and Marrying them for Time and All Eternity while someone you thought you might marry is off serving.
The difference, girls, is I think they'll be more likely to listen to that advice than many of you have been.
For those of you thinking that he'll wait for your return . . . I think you might be unpleasantly surprised.
However - fret not!
There are lots of great guys to come home to!
(And I suspect they'll be pretty excited to see you!)
- Bro Jo
@Laura -
Marriage ain't easy (just ask the lady that's married to This Guy!) . . . but it's absolutely worth the hard work and effort.
Yes, serving a mission for Young Men AND Young Women can be an awesome thing (duh!), but to put down a woman because she didn't, isn't, or may not, serve a mission is, frankly, Contrary To The Words of the Prophet!
Make no mistake, haters, you're way outta line.
- Bro Jo
I'm not going on a mission...and when the announcement came I realized that because I was 21, I had just moved from "are you going on a mission now?" age to "returned missionary" age. (If a girl chose to go at 19.) I'm definitely helping the work, I've been working on family history for a few years and it's so fulfilling for me. And my answer to some people who've bugged me is, "I have all the rest of my life to go on a mission if I decide to or suddenly should, since I'm a girl." People seem to like that answer.
The great thing about the work of salvation is that we can all participate whether we wear a nametag or no. Member missionaries are expected to step up and hasten the work in new and exciting ways.
Good news all around... and plenty of work to share.
At home or abroad, married or single, man, woman, or child, we are all being called to preach the gospel.
I always wanted to go on a mission. As sort of a spiritual challenge. But as I took mission prep and listened to all the devotional speakers I started to feel confused. My boyfriend transfered down to BYU and that was a tough time but we got to a place where we both prayed about marriage and we recieved the same answer. I didn't want to get married because my parents had been divorced but I took a leap of faith and followed his plan for me. Marriage at first was easy but as the children joined us it did become more work and sometimes I had to endure and wait for better days. I remember one difficult day when my children were both crying and I needed to run an errand in my car. I told God, "Are you sure marriage was the best idea for me?" and his response was "Yes motherhood is your mission." And because he has a sense of humor I said,"Then I want an immediate transfer and a new companion!" And we both laughed. Many people have asked me where I served my mission and in my last calling the bishop set me apart and said I would use my mission experiences to help the scouts to become good men. I just smiled and laughed. Motherhood taught me more in 1 year than I learned in 4 studying at university. Keep on praying and trusting God he will lead you to the best life for you. My oldest daughter will not serve a mission I've known her whole life that she wants to be a wife and mother. But I have 3 more daughters and perhaps one of them will serve a mission. Only time can tell...
I feel like this sister's comment "if I do go on a mission, I'll never get married" is very naive. If that is her reason for not serving, and she believes this man is the only one that she could be with, then she definitely should be asking a different question: Is this young man the one I should marry? If he is her way is clear. If he is not, she now can ask if she should go on a mission. Also, as a return sister missionary I know that God will bless her for serving and the fear of never getting married is a lack of faith on her part. If she has the faith to serve, she will also have the faith to trust that God's timing is right. Also, to second what Bro Jo said, My guy didn't wait for me to come home, but I found another great guy who I am now married to. The Lord blesses us with what we need in his timing :D
To then Anon commenter. Who says something along the lines it's hard to get a date because 30 to 40 % of the girls are going on missions. If you do the math 60 to 70% are not going on missions.
So it shouldn't be to difficult to find someone to ask out.
Let's not forget that there are some girls out there that plain out don't want to go. A mission just doesn't interest them, and praying ok whether or not they should go simply doesn't appeal to them...and that's OK! These sisters should not be insisted on to ask whether or not she should serve. She's not a guy for crying out loud. If she just isn't interested in going then she simply shouldn't and she shouldn't be looked at differently, and that's that.
Thank you Mel! I am getting tired of hearing guys say, "All the girls are going on missions!"
What does that make me???
@Mel and @a girl: I read a conversation about this topic on facebook in the BYU Memes page. A guy said that so many girls were leaving that it was harder to find someone to date. Then a girl said that "there are two types of girls out there. The ones who go on a mission and the ones who don't, so why are you concerned again...?". The guy then responded: "because all the pretty ones are leaving!" That's obviously not true, as there are cute girls and "not so cute girls" on both sides: those who go and those who don't. However, when guys make those comments, they're referring to the cute girls that are leaving. They don't really express those complaints about girls who are leaving when it comes to girls that they don't find attractive. Now, there are cute girls who are also staying. The guys that are lucky to did them sure don't complain about girls going on missions; it's the guys who can't find those cute non-future-missionary girls, who instead are surrounded by cute girls who all seem to be leaving on missions, that complain.
In the eyes of YSA girls like you two ladies, there are two types of girls: the ones going on missions, and the ones that are not going on missions. On the other hand, there are two types of girls in the eyes of guys: the girls they're attracted to, and the girls that they're not attracted to. The attraction is different for each guy, but that's what it boils down to. You can surround a guy with lots of girls. If he's not attracted to any of them, he won't be interested in them. Add more girls to the situation and, if he still isn't attracted to one of them, he still won't be interested. Tough to agree with and understand I assume, but that's how it is with guys. Best of luck in finding what you're looking for!
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