Dear Bro Jo,
I had sex when I was younger. Three years ago. At that time I spoke to my Bishop and went through the repentance process.
Now I am dating a wonderful Return Missionary. We have been dating for 2 years and are set to be married in a few months.
Today we had sex.
Afterwords we cried and prayed. What do we do now???
Is it okay to go back to the same Bishop I spoke to before? (He is still my Bishop.)
s
What will our punishment be?
Sincerely,
- Me
Dear M.
Sexual sin needs to be confessed to priesthood authority as part of the repentance process.
Whomever your Bishop is, I recommend that you talk to him very soon. Instead of the word "punishment" I'd use the word "consequence". Repentance is not about what happens to us, but rather it's about what the results of our actions are.
My expectation is that a consequence of your action will be loss of Temple Attendance for a year, but that's between you, the Lord, and your Bishop.
My advice is that the two of you strongly consider getting civilly married very soon, and then plan a Temple Sealing for a year after that. You've been together a long time (too long without getting married, in my opinion); if you love each other and plan to marry I think waiting another year is unrealistic.
But again, I think you need to hear what your Bishop has to say.
And I think you and your finance need to have a very serious conversation.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you for your advice.
I want to know the consequences for him. Can he be told not to wear his garments? Will he have his Melchizedek Priesthood taken away?
I'm so sorry for that.
I don't want to lose him.
- Me
Dear M,
Church Discipline doesn't work that way. There's no list that says "this sin equals this consequence".
Moreover, I think you're focusing on the wrong things.
He needs to go talk to his Bishop and seek help repenting. Whatever happens will be with the goal and purpose of helping him mend his relationship with his Savior and return to worthiness.
You love him; support him in doing what he needs to do.
And make sure the two of you stay out of tempting situations.
ALL tempting situation.
- Bro Jo
Dating, Relationship and Other Advice for LDS Teens, Young Single Adults, and anyone else who could use a little help (since 2009) from someone who cares enough to give it to you straight.
Friday, December 29, 2017
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Getting Over the Non-member High School Boyfriend
Dear Bro Jo,
During my junior year of high school I started dating this boy whom I met through some mutual friends.
At first we always went on group dates together with our other mutual friends. Once we became more comfortable with each other and as we started to develop a stronger connection, we started spending more time together alone.
It didn't take long for me to realize my love for this boy. We always had so much fun together consisting of nonstop laughter and so many memories I'll never forget. I loved his family and they seemed to return that love as well.
However, we ran in to problems here and there because he was never very good at communicating his feelings and always seemed to keep everything inside. I tried to talk to him about things often when there was tension, but he was such an introvert it was hard.
Sometimes I would even confide to his mom about this.
Also, he is not a member of the Church and we would sometimes run in to trouble here as well.
We dated for about a year and 5 months and as are bond became stronger he seemed to want more and more things from me which I could not give. Sometimes it even resulted in me slightly lowering my standards for the moment, but after I had realized this was happening I could not bare to keep it up, and knew it had to stop.
I talked to my parents about things and they helped me through some of it. When I went away for college he and I had decided to end things. He knew of my religious values and goals and we had even talked about it once or twice, but sometimes he still tried to push me.
So when I went away for college I decided to end things because I realized I wanted to be with someone who shared the same religious values as me and I was having a hard time with how reserved he was and how difficult it was for me to get him to communicate his thoughts and feelings with me, or even respond to my text message within the hour.
However, once I left I could not help but continue to think about him and we both seemed to miss each other greatly. We tried giving it another chance after awhile but i again came to the same conclusion that i wanted to find someone who was a member of the Church, who had the same standards as me, and who was better at communicating with me.
Yet, here I am again, still missing him and struggling to learn to live without him. I try to date other guys, but i cant seem to find genuine interest in anyone. I know being with Sergio is not what is best for me since we don't have the same values and goals, but I am having so much trouble moving on and trying to date other people that i am not at a loss about what to do.No one compares to the way he made me feel.
I sometimes feel there is a reason I still feel the way I do. I feel like the love I have for him is so strong and I don't know how to get rid of that.
I would give anything for him, sacrifice anything for him. If you have any tips to help me again feel that excitement about someone else as I did then, with him I'd love to know.
Or any advice on how I approach the situation.
I know he feels the same about me still. He occasionally texts me here and there and I just know in my heart he feels the same.
But really, at this point I'm almost willing to try anything.
- Sincerely Boomerang
Dear Sincerely,
What you need to try is . . . patience.
Keep dating other people who share your standards and could someday marry you for Time and All Eternity in the Temple.
Stick to your standards.
Your relationship with this man, if anything at all, should go no further than to encourage him to seek out the Gospel, to meet with the missionaries, and to become closer unto his Savior.
That's it.
Nothing more.
As time passes it will be easier for you to live with this former romance having ended.
And you will find what you so desperately, and so correctly, seek.
Be Patient.
- Bro Jo
During my junior year of high school I started dating this boy whom I met through some mutual friends.
At first we always went on group dates together with our other mutual friends. Once we became more comfortable with each other and as we started to develop a stronger connection, we started spending more time together alone.
It didn't take long for me to realize my love for this boy. We always had so much fun together consisting of nonstop laughter and so many memories I'll never forget. I loved his family and they seemed to return that love as well.
However, we ran in to problems here and there because he was never very good at communicating his feelings and always seemed to keep everything inside. I tried to talk to him about things often when there was tension, but he was such an introvert it was hard.
Sometimes I would even confide to his mom about this.
Also, he is not a member of the Church and we would sometimes run in to trouble here as well.
We dated for about a year and 5 months and as are bond became stronger he seemed to want more and more things from me which I could not give. Sometimes it even resulted in me slightly lowering my standards for the moment, but after I had realized this was happening I could not bare to keep it up, and knew it had to stop.
I talked to my parents about things and they helped me through some of it. When I went away for college he and I had decided to end things. He knew of my religious values and goals and we had even talked about it once or twice, but sometimes he still tried to push me.
So when I went away for college I decided to end things because I realized I wanted to be with someone who shared the same religious values as me and I was having a hard time with how reserved he was and how difficult it was for me to get him to communicate his thoughts and feelings with me, or even respond to my text message within the hour.
However, once I left I could not help but continue to think about him and we both seemed to miss each other greatly. We tried giving it another chance after awhile but i again came to the same conclusion that i wanted to find someone who was a member of the Church, who had the same standards as me, and who was better at communicating with me.
Yet, here I am again, still missing him and struggling to learn to live without him. I try to date other guys, but i cant seem to find genuine interest in anyone. I know being with Sergio is not what is best for me since we don't have the same values and goals, but I am having so much trouble moving on and trying to date other people that i am not at a loss about what to do.No one compares to the way he made me feel.
I sometimes feel there is a reason I still feel the way I do. I feel like the love I have for him is so strong and I don't know how to get rid of that.
I would give anything for him, sacrifice anything for him. If you have any tips to help me again feel that excitement about someone else as I did then, with him I'd love to know.
Or any advice on how I approach the situation.
I know he feels the same about me still. He occasionally texts me here and there and I just know in my heart he feels the same.
But really, at this point I'm almost willing to try anything.
- Sincerely Boomerang
Dear Sincerely,
What you need to try is . . . patience.
Keep dating other people who share your standards and could someday marry you for Time and All Eternity in the Temple.
Stick to your standards.
Your relationship with this man, if anything at all, should go no further than to encourage him to seek out the Gospel, to meet with the missionaries, and to become closer unto his Savior.
That's it.
Nothing more.
As time passes it will be easier for you to live with this former romance having ended.
And you will find what you so desperately, and so correctly, seek.
Be Patient.
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Did Bro Jo Say That Girls Shouldn't Wear Dresses or Skirts to School?
Dear Bro Jo,
I was reading one of your past posts, and you said that girls shouldn't wear skirts/dresses to school.
Why not?
- Curious
Dear Curious,
Could you direct me to that post?
I don't remember writing that ... not that I have a perfect memory ... but both of the Jo Girls wear skirts and dresses to school from time to time, and I don't see that as a problem.
And I can't think of a time in my life when I thought it was a concern.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Sorry that's it's been a few days. I got a little busy.
It was "Getting a Boy to Notice" from 2009. You specifically said, "No Church Dresses at school," so I guess that could mean something different from not wearing skirts/dresses. I don't know. I was just interested.
On another note, I know you say that girls shouldn't call guys, and I completely agree with that, but what about emailing, chatting, or texting? Is it a guy's job to initiate all the contact? And you sometimes recommend that a girl write a letter to a guy, but at what age is that appropriate?
I don't have anyone specific in mind, these are just general questions. I'm trying to be prepared.
Thanks,
- Curious
Dear Curious,
Thank you for the opportunity to clarify!
What I said, to a 6th grader, was that she should not wear Church dresses at school because it was too fancy, unless the occasion (like a concert or play) warranted it. Over all the tone was that you can get positive attention by dressing nicely.
Sister Jo points out (and I emphatically agree) that a girl gives away much of her allure when she does most or all of the initial contacting. This does not mean that she should sit around doing nothing.
I don't see much advantage or purpose in girls writing letters to non-relative guys until they're at least 17 or 18.
- Bro Jo
I was reading one of your past posts, and you said that girls shouldn't wear skirts/dresses to school.
Why not?
- Curious
Dear Curious,
Could you direct me to that post?
I don't remember writing that ... not that I have a perfect memory ... but both of the Jo Girls wear skirts and dresses to school from time to time, and I don't see that as a problem.
And I can't think of a time in my life when I thought it was a concern.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Sorry that's it's been a few days. I got a little busy.
It was "Getting a Boy to Notice" from 2009. You specifically said, "No Church Dresses at school," so I guess that could mean something different from not wearing skirts/dresses. I don't know. I was just interested.
On another note, I know you say that girls shouldn't call guys, and I completely agree with that, but what about emailing, chatting, or texting? Is it a guy's job to initiate all the contact? And you sometimes recommend that a girl write a letter to a guy, but at what age is that appropriate?
I don't have anyone specific in mind, these are just general questions. I'm trying to be prepared.
Thanks,
- Curious
Dear Curious,
Thank you for the opportunity to clarify!
What I said, to a 6th grader, was that she should not wear Church dresses at school because it was too fancy, unless the occasion (like a concert or play) warranted it. Over all the tone was that you can get positive attention by dressing nicely.
Sister Jo points out (and I emphatically agree) that a girl gives away much of her allure when she does most or all of the initial contacting. This does not mean that she should sit around doing nothing.
I don't see much advantage or purpose in girls writing letters to non-relative guys until they're at least 17 or 18.
- Bro Jo
Monday, December 18, 2017
When Your Love Life Gets You Down
Dear Bro Jo,
Please give the lovely Sister Jo a hug for me.
On the topic of pride, I think I have too much of it, and am trying to decide if it is just getting in my way of having healthy communications with other people.
I went on another date with someone new. He seemed nice enough, albeit weird, but I figured the random tap dance moves, bursting into song, and asking random questions about politics were just first date nervousness, and that I just need to give first impressions the benefit of the doubt.
But now I somehow have the feeling that a second date will not be happening. He said he enjoyed the date, but in subsequent attempts to have a conversation, he would answer in triple syllables once and then leave me hanging. This induces rolling in my eyes, so I just chalk it up to practice and move on, I suppose.
However, pondering the subject last night and I came to the conclusion that I'm having difficulty moving on with my love life.
I have a plethora of psychological and personality disorders.
I've been coping with the majority of my life, but the diagnosis is very recent. It became very serious last November to the point that I needed to be hospitalized for a couple weeks in a psychiatric ward for my own safety because of how severe my depression was. This was right in the middle of all the weirdness with Felix, and he found out where I'd disappeared to, and I don't know. I think it just sealed the deal, because he tried to avoid me and beat around the bush until I told him to stop being such a pansy and tell me straight out what was on his mind.
He wasn't interested.
Then afterwards, I hadn't talked to him much because I needed some time to process, and was very busy with my therapy, I texted him to wish him a merry Christmas, and he made a comment that implied that I was being a brat and that I had finally come to my senses and ended the silent treatment, which I hadn't started in the first place.
I pointed this out, as well as the fact that he didn't even try to contact me once during this time frame, so he needed to keep his big, egotistical mouth shut. And then a few weeks later after he started school he told me how much he enjoyed it, and told me I should not procrastinate in going back to school, because sitting around stagnant wasn't getting me anywhere.
I work full time at the hospital with a very physically and emotionally draining job, and was trying to learn coping measures, as well as trying to help my parents because my dad is very sick and had been in and out of the hospital for months, with the possibility that my mom might call me and tell me that I need to help plan a funeral because my dad didn't make it through the night before I had a chance to build my relationship with him.
Naturally, this idiotic, but well-meaning comment hit me the wrong way, and I let him know that with a retort that was a little more scathing than I am proud to admit. (I did apologize for that, by the way.) And then it happened again a few weeks later.
And then my attempt at dating has been a disaster, from accidentally getting involved with a full-blown predator, to having multiple flops from either their lack of interest or my loss of interest.
With Felix incredulous and disapproving, mocking my dating methods, because "we are still friends." I sometimes would like to tell him that his girlfriend looks like she is ten years old, and it's good to see that trophy wife mentality starts at a young age, but that isn't very nice and my parents didn't raise me that way, so I keep my mouth shut.
My issue with this whole thing is that we were pretty good friends in high school, and he knew about my diagnosis from the beginning. I'm upset with him because I feel a sense of betrayal from that, because he went from, being my friend to this big-headed, cryptic bozo, and when I try to find out what happened, he never gives me a straight answer. He wants to know every detail in my life and put his opinion into everything, but he clams up about himself. It's very frustrating. Not that I'm still interested in dating him, but because he was such a good friend in the past, I feel like I am obsessed with the need for closure, so I can understand his reasoning for acting as such, because I sometimes feel like a side attraction in a Cirque De Freak show when it comes to him, and it is making it extremely difficult for me to let it go and move on. And I don't know how to communicate this, or if I even should.
Your thoughts? Should I sit him down, as a friend, and tell him why this new attitude bothers me? Should I ask him to explain his behavior towards me? Obviously I can't get a straight, honest answer over the phone, but if I shut my mouth and look expectantly at him long enough, I can usually get him to crack. Or should I leave it alone, and hope that in a few years it will only be an unpleasant memory and I'll be able to move on with my life?
Yes, this probably sounds juvenile and I should just relax and stop worrying about it. But this is something I struggle with, not a new trend, and it is a tender subject, and it still stings like a booger. And it makes me want to run with my tail between my legs and hide from any prospective dating material, because I'm tired of feeling like my time and energy is being wasted, because my opinion doesn't matter, and how I feel is a subject that is trampled on repeatedly.
Sorry I continue to pester you over such things, but it does sometimes get me to laugh at myself, which is helpful. Thank you for that.
- Squashed Bug
Dear Bug,
I'm always here to hear your stories and share in your trials and challenges.
Remember: I dated lots of different girls, and had many girlfriends . . . (that's not bragging, by the way - it means I was not great at this whole Dating and Relationships thing, AND - believe me - I got dumped . . .A LOT!) and ALL of those ended in disaster!
Except the last one.
(And even the Future Sister Jo broke up with me . . . more than once.)
The point is: never give up, never surrender!
You matter. Your opinion matters.
Keep laughing!
- Bro Jo
Please give the lovely Sister Jo a hug for me.
On the topic of pride, I think I have too much of it, and am trying to decide if it is just getting in my way of having healthy communications with other people.
I went on another date with someone new. He seemed nice enough, albeit weird, but I figured the random tap dance moves, bursting into song, and asking random questions about politics were just first date nervousness, and that I just need to give first impressions the benefit of the doubt.
But now I somehow have the feeling that a second date will not be happening. He said he enjoyed the date, but in subsequent attempts to have a conversation, he would answer in triple syllables once and then leave me hanging. This induces rolling in my eyes, so I just chalk it up to practice and move on, I suppose.
However, pondering the subject last night and I came to the conclusion that I'm having difficulty moving on with my love life.
I have a plethora of psychological and personality disorders.
I've been coping with the majority of my life, but the diagnosis is very recent. It became very serious last November to the point that I needed to be hospitalized for a couple weeks in a psychiatric ward for my own safety because of how severe my depression was. This was right in the middle of all the weirdness with Felix, and he found out where I'd disappeared to, and I don't know. I think it just sealed the deal, because he tried to avoid me and beat around the bush until I told him to stop being such a pansy and tell me straight out what was on his mind.
He wasn't interested.
Then afterwards, I hadn't talked to him much because I needed some time to process, and was very busy with my therapy, I texted him to wish him a merry Christmas, and he made a comment that implied that I was being a brat and that I had finally come to my senses and ended the silent treatment, which I hadn't started in the first place.
I pointed this out, as well as the fact that he didn't even try to contact me once during this time frame, so he needed to keep his big, egotistical mouth shut. And then a few weeks later after he started school he told me how much he enjoyed it, and told me I should not procrastinate in going back to school, because sitting around stagnant wasn't getting me anywhere.
I work full time at the hospital with a very physically and emotionally draining job, and was trying to learn coping measures, as well as trying to help my parents because my dad is very sick and had been in and out of the hospital for months, with the possibility that my mom might call me and tell me that I need to help plan a funeral because my dad didn't make it through the night before I had a chance to build my relationship with him.
Naturally, this idiotic, but well-meaning comment hit me the wrong way, and I let him know that with a retort that was a little more scathing than I am proud to admit. (I did apologize for that, by the way.) And then it happened again a few weeks later.
And then my attempt at dating has been a disaster, from accidentally getting involved with a full-blown predator, to having multiple flops from either their lack of interest or my loss of interest.
With Felix incredulous and disapproving, mocking my dating methods, because "we are still friends." I sometimes would like to tell him that his girlfriend looks like she is ten years old, and it's good to see that trophy wife mentality starts at a young age, but that isn't very nice and my parents didn't raise me that way, so I keep my mouth shut.
My issue with this whole thing is that we were pretty good friends in high school, and he knew about my diagnosis from the beginning. I'm upset with him because I feel a sense of betrayal from that, because he went from, being my friend to this big-headed, cryptic bozo, and when I try to find out what happened, he never gives me a straight answer. He wants to know every detail in my life and put his opinion into everything, but he clams up about himself. It's very frustrating. Not that I'm still interested in dating him, but because he was such a good friend in the past, I feel like I am obsessed with the need for closure, so I can understand his reasoning for acting as such, because I sometimes feel like a side attraction in a Cirque De Freak show when it comes to him, and it is making it extremely difficult for me to let it go and move on. And I don't know how to communicate this, or if I even should.
Your thoughts? Should I sit him down, as a friend, and tell him why this new attitude bothers me? Should I ask him to explain his behavior towards me? Obviously I can't get a straight, honest answer over the phone, but if I shut my mouth and look expectantly at him long enough, I can usually get him to crack. Or should I leave it alone, and hope that in a few years it will only be an unpleasant memory and I'll be able to move on with my life?
Yes, this probably sounds juvenile and I should just relax and stop worrying about it. But this is something I struggle with, not a new trend, and it is a tender subject, and it still stings like a booger. And it makes me want to run with my tail between my legs and hide from any prospective dating material, because I'm tired of feeling like my time and energy is being wasted, because my opinion doesn't matter, and how I feel is a subject that is trampled on repeatedly.
Sorry I continue to pester you over such things, but it does sometimes get me to laugh at myself, which is helpful. Thank you for that.
- Squashed Bug
Dear Bug,
I'm always here to hear your stories and share in your trials and challenges.
Remember: I dated lots of different girls, and had many girlfriends . . . (that's not bragging, by the way - it means I was not great at this whole Dating and Relationships thing, AND - believe me - I got dumped . . .A LOT!) and ALL of those ended in disaster!
Except the last one.
(And even the Future Sister Jo broke up with me . . . more than once.)
The point is: never give up, never surrender!
You matter. Your opinion matters.
Keep laughing!
- Bro Jo
Friday, December 15, 2017
How Can She Get Boys to Like Her?
Dear Bro Jo,
I really love that your blog answers questions about so many different scenarios!
I just wanted some advice on how to stay positive when things seems to awry. I am at BYU- Idaho and it's my second semester, I'm 18 years old and I've never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, and never liked a boy that liked me. This semester was a little different because I was talking to this boy before the semester started and we had kinda planned out that we were going to go on a few dates once we got to school. Once the semester started, this particular boy stopped talking to me. I don't know why he did this to me because I felt betrayed!
Also I always see him on campus and it's so awkward because we haven't talked in person in a long time. It's hard for me to say something to him without making it more awkward. But he's the same age as me so he's still immature. Later on in the semester I met this other guy in my class that was an RM (a quality I look for) and he was so kind and a fun person. We went on a couple of dates and then he moved to Maryland halfway through the semester... so that was unlucky for me. And he moved before I could actually figure out if he liked me or not. ANYWAYS as you can see I have not had the best luck.
I have just felt so discouraged the past few weeks that I am never going to find a boy who cares about me! Others around me have told me I need to be patient but it's easier said then done.. Also my Mom told me that some of the reason why boys don't talk to me is because I am confident. Also some boys have told me that I am intimidating and that's why they were afraid to talk to me.
My question is what am I doing wrong? How do I make boys like me more without dumbing myself down like some other girls do to get the boy? How do I stay patient and look at the eternal perspective?
-Discouraged and Impatient
Dear D & I.,
I'm not sure that you're doing anything wrong.
If you haven't already, you could check out:
Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a BOY'S ATTENTION"
Bro Jo’s TEN WAYS a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to CALL
and
Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"
Patience is something easier discussed than lived (Believe Me!) but what you CAN do is look for things that make it easier for the time to go by . . . namely . . . service.
I know, I know . . . you ARE serving others . . . and that's great!
Don't stop.
Service will make you feel better, help the time go by, and put you on the radar of Good Guys looking for Great Girls, just like you!
With all due respect to Mom, confidence is attractive, and believe me, the boys that are intimidated are not the ones you want to go out with (or wait around for) anyway. So don't put your confidence away.
Use it. Use your confidence to help you go up and introduce yourself to more people. Not just "hot guys" (certainly that), but widen your circle of friends. Most people at your school are single; the more people you know, the more likely you'll meet those that would like to date you. Heck, you'll also meet sisters who will think "I should set you up with this guy", and that's good, too!
Stay Positive!
- Bro Jo
I really love that your blog answers questions about so many different scenarios!
I just wanted some advice on how to stay positive when things seems to awry. I am at BYU- Idaho and it's my second semester, I'm 18 years old and I've never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, and never liked a boy that liked me. This semester was a little different because I was talking to this boy before the semester started and we had kinda planned out that we were going to go on a few dates once we got to school. Once the semester started, this particular boy stopped talking to me. I don't know why he did this to me because I felt betrayed!
Also I always see him on campus and it's so awkward because we haven't talked in person in a long time. It's hard for me to say something to him without making it more awkward. But he's the same age as me so he's still immature. Later on in the semester I met this other guy in my class that was an RM (a quality I look for) and he was so kind and a fun person. We went on a couple of dates and then he moved to Maryland halfway through the semester... so that was unlucky for me. And he moved before I could actually figure out if he liked me or not. ANYWAYS as you can see I have not had the best luck.
I have just felt so discouraged the past few weeks that I am never going to find a boy who cares about me! Others around me have told me I need to be patient but it's easier said then done.. Also my Mom told me that some of the reason why boys don't talk to me is because I am confident. Also some boys have told me that I am intimidating and that's why they were afraid to talk to me.
My question is what am I doing wrong? How do I make boys like me more without dumbing myself down like some other girls do to get the boy? How do I stay patient and look at the eternal perspective?
-Discouraged and Impatient
Dear D & I.,
I'm not sure that you're doing anything wrong.
If you haven't already, you could check out:
Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a BOY'S ATTENTION"
Bro Jo’s TEN WAYS a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to CALL
and
Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"
Patience is something easier discussed than lived (Believe Me!) but what you CAN do is look for things that make it easier for the time to go by . . . namely . . . service.
I know, I know . . . you ARE serving others . . . and that's great!
Don't stop.
Service will make you feel better, help the time go by, and put you on the radar of Good Guys looking for Great Girls, just like you!
With all due respect to Mom, confidence is attractive, and believe me, the boys that are intimidated are not the ones you want to go out with (or wait around for) anyway. So don't put your confidence away.
Use it. Use your confidence to help you go up and introduce yourself to more people. Not just "hot guys" (certainly that), but widen your circle of friends. Most people at your school are single; the more people you know, the more likely you'll meet those that would like to date you. Heck, you'll also meet sisters who will think "I should set you up with this guy", and that's good, too!
Stay Positive!
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
When the Girl of Your Dreams Breaks It Off
Dear Bro Jo,
Yesterday the girl of my dreams broke up with me.
I played football and don't think I was ever caught off guard like this. To call me roadkill right now would understate the severity of the trucking I just went through.
She said she "just knows it isn't right". That's the answer she gave me and, apparently, the answer she got from HF.
Also, she did it by text!
My mind has been racing ever since trying to figure out everything. I'm a little mad, extremely sad, and still trying to be happy amidst this trial. I'm just mad because she did it by text actually, but beyond that I'm not mad. How could I be with her, right?
Here's the thing Bro Jo, I certainly hadn't prayed like she did, mostly because we made things official six days ago (not a real great track record coming off the mission, I know haha), but I felt like it was right! Heck, I will even go so far as to say that I felt good about moving to salt lake from Cali because I met her and that pretty much explained to me why I felt like moving out here anyway! I figured it was HF's doing.
Maybe it's too soon to call her the girl of my dreams. We have known each other about a month, though, so I felt like we got to know each other pretty well after all the dates we went on. I say girl of my dreams because she served in the same country that I did, speaks the same second language, is down to earth, rational, smart, funny, incredibly good looking, fun, and digs me (kind of a rarity).
Now that we understand that I'll say this: I realize you've had people as sk you this before but I was too lazy to go back 4 years into your blog to look for it, so why, if I felt that it was right, would she get a "not right" answer?
Now I know His thoughts are not our thoughts, and I don't expect an absolute answer, but I would like some outside perspective if you would be so kind.
Also, I do plan in asking Him, but not yet. Right now it wouldn't help at all with my biased heart and frantic head.
After your response I may have some more questions so, brace yourself.
- Blindsided
Dear Blindsided,
While I do think one month and 6 days of being together are hardly enough investment to be using the "girl of my dreams" label, I can certainly understand the sentiment
Let's tackle the larger philosophical question: when two people are dating and they go to the Lord to ask if this is a relationship they should continue, how is it possible that one could receive confirmation to continue while the other is prompted to call things off?
And the answer is . . . wait for it . . . it isn't possible.
Why then does it happen?
Simple.
One of them is wrong.
Or, at least, one of them is interpreting the revelation wrong or was asking the wrong questions or doesn't understand the nature of revelation.
In your specific case it's easy because, as you said, you never really asked Heavenly Father anyway.
But let's say you did. We'd first have to look at what question you asked. See, there's a difference between "should I keep dating this girl", "is this THE girl I should marry", and "is this someone for whom I will be a Good Eternal Companion".
I suspect, depending on the situation and the person asking and the person being asked about, one could get what seems like three different answers and yet all still have the same outcome.
You could hear "might as well keep dating her" and think God means "YES!" when he just as well means "until someone else comes along".
You could hear "there's no such thing as THE girl" and think you're being told "nope" when what is meant is "this is a good one, don't blow it".
And you could ask the last one and get "if you promise to always serve her with all of your heart, might, mind and strength" but think you're hearing "you're not yet worthy of her".
And all of that is possible because personal revelation goes through the filter in our head.
If we read the Doctrine and Covenants carefully we learn that personal revelation has the purpose of helping someone else for whom we have stewardship; that's how we know it's true. But a lot of the questions we ask are selfish in their motivation and composition, therefore it's difficult for us to understand the answer . . . IF there is an answer.
What you do need to understand is this: she called it off, and whether she's right or wrong, it's off. One person wanting the relationship to succeed is not enough.
Maybe she got revelation to that effect. If she did, what she would have heard was that it's better for YOU that she break up. If she thinks she got that it was better for HER, well, that's too selfish (even if correct) to be revelation.
Either way, while it won't feel better for some time, it's best you two aren't dating.
I'll share with you one last thought: in business I often get bummed when a regular client decides to try one of my competitors. Sometimes I feel angry and betrayed. Sometimes I feel cheated. What I should be doing is considering whether or not I was giving them the service they required. If what they needed was something that I can't provide, they're better off elsewhere. If it's something I can and should have provided, I need to make some improvement and may even try to win them back. If I can't win them back, then at least the experience should help me improve.
But you know what happens some of the time? They try the other business and realize that I am a pretty good value. When they come back, rather than dwell on my bitter feelings about them leaving, if I show gratitude and do my best to take care of them, they'll be loyal clients for life.
Make sense?
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you for your advice. I have, I think, gone through that process that you described in your business affairs. The feelings of anger, confusion and betrayal have come and gone. Who knows whether or not in the future she'll feel like she should give us another shot.
You must have read my mind when you said that I need to realize that she called it off, and that means it is off. There's nothing I can do to make a relationship work if I'm the only side wanting it. I was actually going to ask whether or not I should try and get back with her. Thank you for that.
I don't know why the Lord would have said that it's not right for us to be together, and I don't know if I will ever know. But this has been a kind of shocker and wake-up call to those areas of my life that I need to improve. In that aspect I'm grateful. In a couple months I'm sure I'll probably be grateful that she called it off so soon instead of giving me time to fall in love with her and be truly hurt.
I also don't think I would have ever asked the right questions either. Your insight will be super useful in asking the right questions in the future.
Just a side note: she said there's nothing I did or didn't do that helped her reach this conclusion, nor is there anything I could change to better go about dating anyone in the future. This was a bit enlightening, because it either means she's lying to me, or I'm kind of good at this whole dating thing.
The hardest thing for me now will be having to stop talking to her. I legitimately enjoy her company, and even now she makes me laugh. This is the worst part. But thank you for helping me understand this a little better.
-Blindsided
Dear Blindsided
I totally understand.
Hope things have gotten better.
I promise the pain gets less with time.
- Bro Jo
Yesterday the girl of my dreams broke up with me.
I played football and don't think I was ever caught off guard like this. To call me roadkill right now would understate the severity of the trucking I just went through.
She said she "just knows it isn't right". That's the answer she gave me and, apparently, the answer she got from HF.
Also, she did it by text!
My mind has been racing ever since trying to figure out everything. I'm a little mad, extremely sad, and still trying to be happy amidst this trial. I'm just mad because she did it by text actually, but beyond that I'm not mad. How could I be with her, right?
Here's the thing Bro Jo, I certainly hadn't prayed like she did, mostly because we made things official six days ago (not a real great track record coming off the mission, I know haha), but I felt like it was right! Heck, I will even go so far as to say that I felt good about moving to salt lake from Cali because I met her and that pretty much explained to me why I felt like moving out here anyway! I figured it was HF's doing.
Maybe it's too soon to call her the girl of my dreams. We have known each other about a month, though, so I felt like we got to know each other pretty well after all the dates we went on. I say girl of my dreams because she served in the same country that I did, speaks the same second language, is down to earth, rational, smart, funny, incredibly good looking, fun, and digs me (kind of a rarity).
Now that we understand that I'll say this: I realize you've had people as sk you this before but I was too lazy to go back 4 years into your blog to look for it, so why, if I felt that it was right, would she get a "not right" answer?
Now I know His thoughts are not our thoughts, and I don't expect an absolute answer, but I would like some outside perspective if you would be so kind.
Also, I do plan in asking Him, but not yet. Right now it wouldn't help at all with my biased heart and frantic head.
After your response I may have some more questions so, brace yourself.
- Blindsided
Dear Blindsided,
While I do think one month and 6 days of being together are hardly enough investment to be using the "girl of my dreams" label, I can certainly understand the sentiment
Let's tackle the larger philosophical question: when two people are dating and they go to the Lord to ask if this is a relationship they should continue, how is it possible that one could receive confirmation to continue while the other is prompted to call things off?
And the answer is . . . wait for it . . . it isn't possible.
Why then does it happen?
Simple.
One of them is wrong.
Or, at least, one of them is interpreting the revelation wrong or was asking the wrong questions or doesn't understand the nature of revelation.
In your specific case it's easy because, as you said, you never really asked Heavenly Father anyway.
But let's say you did. We'd first have to look at what question you asked. See, there's a difference between "should I keep dating this girl", "is this THE girl I should marry", and "is this someone for whom I will be a Good Eternal Companion".
I suspect, depending on the situation and the person asking and the person being asked about, one could get what seems like three different answers and yet all still have the same outcome.
You could hear "might as well keep dating her" and think God means "YES!" when he just as well means "until someone else comes along".
You could hear "there's no such thing as THE girl" and think you're being told "nope" when what is meant is "this is a good one, don't blow it".
And you could ask the last one and get "if you promise to always serve her with all of your heart, might, mind and strength" but think you're hearing "you're not yet worthy of her".
And all of that is possible because personal revelation goes through the filter in our head.
If we read the Doctrine and Covenants carefully we learn that personal revelation has the purpose of helping someone else for whom we have stewardship; that's how we know it's true. But a lot of the questions we ask are selfish in their motivation and composition, therefore it's difficult for us to understand the answer . . . IF there is an answer.
What you do need to understand is this: she called it off, and whether she's right or wrong, it's off. One person wanting the relationship to succeed is not enough.
Maybe she got revelation to that effect. If she did, what she would have heard was that it's better for YOU that she break up. If she thinks she got that it was better for HER, well, that's too selfish (even if correct) to be revelation.
Either way, while it won't feel better for some time, it's best you two aren't dating.
I'll share with you one last thought: in business I often get bummed when a regular client decides to try one of my competitors. Sometimes I feel angry and betrayed. Sometimes I feel cheated. What I should be doing is considering whether or not I was giving them the service they required. If what they needed was something that I can't provide, they're better off elsewhere. If it's something I can and should have provided, I need to make some improvement and may even try to win them back. If I can't win them back, then at least the experience should help me improve.
But you know what happens some of the time? They try the other business and realize that I am a pretty good value. When they come back, rather than dwell on my bitter feelings about them leaving, if I show gratitude and do my best to take care of them, they'll be loyal clients for life.
Make sense?
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you for your advice. I have, I think, gone through that process that you described in your business affairs. The feelings of anger, confusion and betrayal have come and gone. Who knows whether or not in the future she'll feel like she should give us another shot.
You must have read my mind when you said that I need to realize that she called it off, and that means it is off. There's nothing I can do to make a relationship work if I'm the only side wanting it. I was actually going to ask whether or not I should try and get back with her. Thank you for that.
I don't know why the Lord would have said that it's not right for us to be together, and I don't know if I will ever know. But this has been a kind of shocker and wake-up call to those areas of my life that I need to improve. In that aspect I'm grateful. In a couple months I'm sure I'll probably be grateful that she called it off so soon instead of giving me time to fall in love with her and be truly hurt.
I also don't think I would have ever asked the right questions either. Your insight will be super useful in asking the right questions in the future.
Just a side note: she said there's nothing I did or didn't do that helped her reach this conclusion, nor is there anything I could change to better go about dating anyone in the future. This was a bit enlightening, because it either means she's lying to me, or I'm kind of good at this whole dating thing.
The hardest thing for me now will be having to stop talking to her. I legitimately enjoy her company, and even now she makes me laugh. This is the worst part. But thank you for helping me understand this a little better.
-Blindsided
Dear Blindsided
I totally understand.
Hope things have gotten better.
I promise the pain gets less with time.
- Bro Jo
Monday, December 11, 2017
When the First Kiss Does Not Go Well
Dear Bro Jo,
Okay so I'm just going to start by explaining what's happened in the last couple weeks.
I invited the missionaries (Elders) from my ward over for dinner. I also invited my cousin but turned out he couldn't come, so I really needed to find a guy that could come or I'd have to cancel.
There was a guy I had gone out with but not for over a year, we had gone out once or twice but he hadn't asked me out again which is whatever. But when I would see him once and awhile around we would chat he'd give a hug or throw an arm around my shoulders. Which was more confusing than anything, I had decided if I had a chance I'd ask why he'd never asked me out again. I was going between I really do like him and he's such an idiot if he's not going to ask me out again I wish he'd leave me alone
Anyways I figured he would come to dinner on short notice if I asked and he did come. He said he'd been thinking about me and that we should do more stuff again. I said well you just have to ask! He said I know I know but since this was just yesterday I had yet to get around to the doing part.
After dinner he asked what I would say if he asked me out again. I said I'd ask why it took so long. He said something like well I didn't really know what I wanted. I asked well now you do? He said well I know better what I don't want. So I told him if he asked I'd probably say yes.
He did ask me and we went out where he asked me to the dance coming the next weekend. He also gave me a little kiss but I think he mostly missed but it was cute
The dance was fun we held hands as we went in to the gym (which as apparently spread ridiculously fast I got a text from my cousin this morning asking about it! Less than 12 hours after the dance ended!) we were slow dancing he mentioned I wasn't looking him in the eye I tried but I couldn't stare into his eyes it was awkward.
On the way home he said he liked me, he doesn't always know what he wants but he wants to see what happens with whatever this is he can't make promises about what will happen. I told I liked him and couldn't expect any promises.
When he dropped me off he said he wanted to try that kiss again we did it lasted a little longer than again about the same thing. I told him to call me and we would figure out a time to see each other again.
He's a good guy. I guess question is this I'm supposed to like kissing right? I have never been kissed before so maybe I'm something wrong but I was under the impression I was supposed to like it a lot. I just didn't, I can't say I really am dying to do it again or ever maybe.
I've wanted to get kissed for a while now but sex always been a scary thing for me which I haven't had to worry about so far but this kiss thing has got me thinking if I don't even like kissing... I don't want to be that wife who is like ugh he wants sex again... yuck
Is wanting to be more physical something that comes with a more serious relationship?
Thanks for taking the time to help, not sure how to explain this anyone else.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
Did you know that in lots of cultures kissing is not something they do?
True story.
See, kissing is a cultural thing. Some people like it, some love it, and some could take it or leave it.
I suspect you'll enjoy it more as you gain experience and as the person you're kissing becomes better at kissing.
It may help to realize that he's kissing you because he likes you and finds you attractive.
It may also help you to like kissing when you realize how . . . excited . . . kissing you makes him feel.
There's a big gap between kissing and sex. While both can be scary, both can be enjoyable when they are shared with the person you love.
For now, enjoy your relationship, and see if kissing him doesn't get more enjoyable with time and experience.
- Bro Jo
Okay so I'm just going to start by explaining what's happened in the last couple weeks.
I invited the missionaries (Elders) from my ward over for dinner. I also invited my cousin but turned out he couldn't come, so I really needed to find a guy that could come or I'd have to cancel.
There was a guy I had gone out with but not for over a year, we had gone out once or twice but he hadn't asked me out again which is whatever. But when I would see him once and awhile around we would chat he'd give a hug or throw an arm around my shoulders. Which was more confusing than anything, I had decided if I had a chance I'd ask why he'd never asked me out again. I was going between I really do like him and he's such an idiot if he's not going to ask me out again I wish he'd leave me alone
Anyways I figured he would come to dinner on short notice if I asked and he did come. He said he'd been thinking about me and that we should do more stuff again. I said well you just have to ask! He said I know I know but since this was just yesterday I had yet to get around to the doing part.
After dinner he asked what I would say if he asked me out again. I said I'd ask why it took so long. He said something like well I didn't really know what I wanted. I asked well now you do? He said well I know better what I don't want. So I told him if he asked I'd probably say yes.
He did ask me and we went out where he asked me to the dance coming the next weekend. He also gave me a little kiss but I think he mostly missed but it was cute
The dance was fun we held hands as we went in to the gym (which as apparently spread ridiculously fast I got a text from my cousin this morning asking about it! Less than 12 hours after the dance ended!) we were slow dancing he mentioned I wasn't looking him in the eye I tried but I couldn't stare into his eyes it was awkward.
On the way home he said he liked me, he doesn't always know what he wants but he wants to see what happens with whatever this is he can't make promises about what will happen. I told I liked him and couldn't expect any promises.
When he dropped me off he said he wanted to try that kiss again we did it lasted a little longer than again about the same thing. I told him to call me and we would figure out a time to see each other again.
He's a good guy. I guess question is this I'm supposed to like kissing right? I have never been kissed before so maybe I'm something wrong but I was under the impression I was supposed to like it a lot. I just didn't, I can't say I really am dying to do it again or ever maybe.
I've wanted to get kissed for a while now but sex always been a scary thing for me which I haven't had to worry about so far but this kiss thing has got me thinking if I don't even like kissing... I don't want to be that wife who is like ugh he wants sex again... yuck
Is wanting to be more physical something that comes with a more serious relationship?
Thanks for taking the time to help, not sure how to explain this anyone else.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
Did you know that in lots of cultures kissing is not something they do?
True story.
See, kissing is a cultural thing. Some people like it, some love it, and some could take it or leave it.
I suspect you'll enjoy it more as you gain experience and as the person you're kissing becomes better at kissing.
It may help to realize that he's kissing you because he likes you and finds you attractive.
It may also help you to like kissing when you realize how . . . excited . . . kissing you makes him feel.
There's a big gap between kissing and sex. While both can be scary, both can be enjoyable when they are shared with the person you love.
For now, enjoy your relationship, and see if kissing him doesn't get more enjoyable with time and experience.
- Bro Jo
Monday, December 4, 2017
One Guy's Story - Part 3 of 3 - Is "Loyal" the Right Word?
[Dear Readers,
The post below is part 3 of 3. The first part posted November 20th, 2017. The second part posted November 27th, 2017.
- Bro Jo]
Dear Bro Jo,
In the intervening time since I sent that last email, I have found at least one aspect of my loyalty that is not good, so you were completely right about my loyalty being a problem.
The problem is this: while I don't blow my significant other off (when I have one), or my friends when I can, I do tend to blow myself off. I hope that makes sense. What I mean is that I will often sacrifice my health or well-being if someone needs me.
When Kari and I were engaged, I was working as a TA, holding office hours and grading projects. She would be with me while I worked, but she would work on homework. I didn't have that luxury. And then, when I was done, we would spend more time together until curfew. (We never broke curfew or the Honor Code, and that fact was a big comfort for me after our failed wedding day. I knew that, regardless of anything else, I was still worthy of a Temple recommend.) I never got a chance to do homework until after she went to bed because she wanted to spend that time with me, and I obliged.
I shouldn't have obliged. I should have limited our time together so I would not be so tired because my exhaustion contributed to the mistakes I made on our wedding day.
Looking back to your comments about my loyalty in your first email, I had to admit that you were right; I was too loyal in that sense, and quite frankly, it was my "almost fanatic" loyalty to her that prevented me from seeing the coming storm. It prevented me from sensing when she was not being completely honest with me as I was with her. Benjamin Franklin said, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." I shut my eyes too fast.
I'm sorry for being so arrogant and stubborn.
I will try to remain loyal to my friends without hurting myself; they deserve that much. I will also try to build friendship before romance because that was another mistake I made with Kari. And if those new friends find it hard to date "because we're friends," I guess I still have new friends.
As for what you wrote in your last email, I will do my best to do those things, but I don't think it will be easy; it's hard to trust in the Lord's timing when His timing gets thrown off by others' poor choices! Oh well.
That said, I can say that I will never give up or surrender. I haven't yet, and I am happier now than I was just a year ago.
Thank you.
- Loyal
Dear Loyal,
Good for you!
I've been wondering, though, if in all of those instances "loyal" is the right word . . .
Hang in there! You really seem to be on the right path.
Best,
- Bro Jo
The post below is part 3 of 3. The first part posted November 20th, 2017. The second part posted November 27th, 2017.
- Bro Jo]
Dear Bro Jo,
In the intervening time since I sent that last email, I have found at least one aspect of my loyalty that is not good, so you were completely right about my loyalty being a problem.
The problem is this: while I don't blow my significant other off (when I have one), or my friends when I can, I do tend to blow myself off. I hope that makes sense. What I mean is that I will often sacrifice my health or well-being if someone needs me.
When Kari and I were engaged, I was working as a TA, holding office hours and grading projects. She would be with me while I worked, but she would work on homework. I didn't have that luxury. And then, when I was done, we would spend more time together until curfew. (We never broke curfew or the Honor Code, and that fact was a big comfort for me after our failed wedding day. I knew that, regardless of anything else, I was still worthy of a Temple recommend.) I never got a chance to do homework until after she went to bed because she wanted to spend that time with me, and I obliged.
I shouldn't have obliged. I should have limited our time together so I would not be so tired because my exhaustion contributed to the mistakes I made on our wedding day.
Looking back to your comments about my loyalty in your first email, I had to admit that you were right; I was too loyal in that sense, and quite frankly, it was my "almost fanatic" loyalty to her that prevented me from seeing the coming storm. It prevented me from sensing when she was not being completely honest with me as I was with her. Benjamin Franklin said, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." I shut my eyes too fast.
I'm sorry for being so arrogant and stubborn.
I will try to remain loyal to my friends without hurting myself; they deserve that much. I will also try to build friendship before romance because that was another mistake I made with Kari. And if those new friends find it hard to date "because we're friends," I guess I still have new friends.
As for what you wrote in your last email, I will do my best to do those things, but I don't think it will be easy; it's hard to trust in the Lord's timing when His timing gets thrown off by others' poor choices! Oh well.
That said, I can say that I will never give up or surrender. I haven't yet, and I am happier now than I was just a year ago.
Thank you.
- Loyal
Dear Loyal,
Good for you!
I've been wondering, though, if in all of those instances "loyal" is the right word . . .
Hang in there! You really seem to be on the right path.
Best,
- Bro Jo
Friday, December 1, 2017
Medical Marijuana
Dear Bro Jo,
Is medical marijuana considered against the Word of Wisdom if prescribed?
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
While I'm not a spokesperson for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I can give you my opinion and share what I know.
First of all, concerns a member of the Church has regarding the Word of Wisdom should be addressed with their Bishop or other Priesthood Leader.
Secondly, my personal opinion is that in the country where I live most people who have medical marijuana "prescriptions" (the vast majority) are actually just recreational users using loopholes in bad laws to get access to harmful and addictive drugs.
Third, if one truly needed to use mj as a medicine, pill form is proving to be much more effective than smoking it.
My advice to a Latter-day Saint trying to live the Word of Wisdom is to consult with priesthood authority; my expectation is that smoking marijuana is against the Word of Wisdom, regardless the justification.
- Bro Jo
Is medical marijuana considered against the Word of Wisdom if prescribed?
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
While I'm not a spokesperson for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I can give you my opinion and share what I know.
First of all, concerns a member of the Church has regarding the Word of Wisdom should be addressed with their Bishop or other Priesthood Leader.
Secondly, my personal opinion is that in the country where I live most people who have medical marijuana "prescriptions" (the vast majority) are actually just recreational users using loopholes in bad laws to get access to harmful and addictive drugs.
Third, if one truly needed to use mj as a medicine, pill form is proving to be much more effective than smoking it.
My advice to a Latter-day Saint trying to live the Word of Wisdom is to consult with priesthood authority; my expectation is that smoking marijuana is against the Word of Wisdom, regardless the justification.
- Bro Jo