Dateless at 29 - Should She Ask Guys Out? - part 2 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi I'm responding to the email you sent earlier ( I still haven't figured out how to post comments on the blog yet, but working on it) about the whole thing about not asking guys out.

My issue is that there is a guy that told me he wants to be just friends ( not saying that something could happen later and if it does or doesn't I'll deal with that then ) and I respect his decision.

We've only known each other since July but is it wrong to invite him to stuff?

At this point its not really asking him out is it?

- 29




Dear 29,

Sounds like you're asking him out to me...

And like you're wasting your time on a guy who a) clearly isn't interested, b) had no chance of ever becoming interested because you keep pursuing him, and c) whose very presence at events is keeping you from meeting and dating other men.


Everything I post on Dear Bro Jo I keep anonymous, and things typically don't get posted, if they ever do, until I've had them for a long time.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

I tried to send this earlier, but my computer crashed right at the time it was sending so I don't know if it got through. Anyway I'm still stuck on the same problem I was before about not asking guys out.

So you're saying that you basically have to be a flirt or wait until someone is interested to have a date? (None of which I do very well)

This guy that I mentioned earlier is a great guy and if something happens great and if not that's alright, too.

I feel he is going to be around for a while because he is my sister in law's brother (she introduced us) and is very shy and needs friends.

He is an amazing guy and even If we end up as the type friends that only send each other Christmas and birthday cards once a year that would be great too. I feel like I need him in my life, but I know whoever he ends up with in the end will be amazing because that's the type of person he is.

Should I give up on him altogether ?

Does it have to be all or nothing? (I have sometimes have invited him to things with my friends, but not very often. I guess that is in a way asking him out?)

I feel like I am also at a point myself that I don't really know what I want this to turn out as.

He is a great guy like I said and it would be wonderful if something happened, but also he deserves the best.

Any ideas on how to treat this situation?

I honestly don't know what to make of it

- 29

Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry to send another email (I tend to do that lately. I've just been forgetting to add things)

Anyway I try not to let being with this guy limit me from being with others. I just can't seem to date others because honestly it doesn't happen.

Not trying to sound negative . . . I go tho places like the singles ward and institute and stuff and try to be nice and friendly with people, but for some reason nothing clicks by that I mean I don't find anyone interesting those places either, but most of them are and seem a lot younger then me

(I'm kind of on the older end and I feel like most people my age have moved on either by aging out or getting married)

- 29




Dear 29,

(sigh!)

Little Sister . . .  stop being so wishy-washy and stop making excuses!

Get over your fear of flirting.  Stop "hanging out" and Stop hiding behind things that, frankly, just don't matter.

You like this guy.  Let's not pretend otherwise.

So go up to him and tell him you think he needs to ask you out on a date.  A REAL date.

And then stop talking.  Just stand there, batting your eyes and smiling at him.

If he doesn't clue in and ask you out right then and there, if he expects you to be "the man" and do all the planning . . . then clearly you need to Move On.

And go flirt with someone else.

Seriously.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Alright thank you. I'll let you know how it goes!

- 29




Dear 29,

Please do!

Best,

- Bro Jo




[ Dear Readers,

I thought you might like to read the original columns that lead "29" to write.  Here they are:

In Your Dreams - Part 1

In Your Dreams - Part 2

Best,

- Bro Jo]

Dateless at 29 - Should She Ask Guys Out? - part 1 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm not sure how to post this other than a comment. I just wanted to say that I've never been a fan of girls asking guys out, but I have done it a few times to different people only because I honestly never get asked out and feel like I need to somewhat step up and have a date.

There is probably other ways to do this but for me it has become a last resort that I felt I have had to refer to. I'm 29 years old and have had maybe 2-3 dates a year since age 16.

What is your solution if that is the case?

- 29




Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry I didn't mean to sent this twice. Also I couldn't figure out how to comment on your blog hence the email.

- 29

Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry to sent another email. If you do post or comment on this on your page I would like to be anonymous please

- 29




Dear 29 -

Okay.  When I get up in the morning and there's several emails and a page comment from the same person on the same topic . . . I figure they've got a pretty serious concern!

I'm glad I read all of your emails before posting your comment. Since you sent the comment with your name attached, had I hit "post" it would have shown with your name, not anonymous as you requested.


(The way to do that, by the way, is when you're leaving the comment, click the "anonymous" button.)


To your question, in my opinion Little Sister, you need to learn How to Get THEM to Ask YOU Out.


Right or wrong, old fashioned or not, the truth is that we guys like living with the illusion that we're "wearing the pants".  When a girl asks us out, no matter how sweet and wonderful she is, unless it's a
Girl-ask-guy event, Good Guys think:  "Yikes, she's desperate!

What's wrong with her that no one else wants to ask her out?"  Or:  "What low opinion of me must she have?  Does she think I'm not man enough to get my own dates?"; Bad Guys think "Sweet!  She's desperate!  I can totally take advantage of that."


True story.


I've written about this . . . a lot.


You can read the first chapter of "Bro Jo's Guide to Relationships" on
my publisher's website: HERE.

There's also a note on the Facebook page that you may find helpful:
Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"


At 29, it's time to kick your dating into High Gear.  Get out there, meet lots of new people.  Flirt.  Learn the value of getting guys to talk about themselves.  Stay out of the "Hang out" and Friend" zones.


And have fun!

- Bro Jo

Who Drives to a Girl-Ask-Guy Dance?

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm going in a group with three other couples to a girl-ask-guy multi-stake semi-formal.

My question is... who drives?

I have a license and a car, and so does my date, but I guess I feel a little weird about driving in a dress and heels and how the whole, "guy opening the door" thing works out. I've been to a couple of other dances, just not where I did the asking.

Any other tips about the dance would be greatly appreciated, this is all really new to me and the girls in my group have even less experience.

Thank you!

- Short and Sweet




Dear S&S,

Depending on the norm for your area and the culture, Girl-Ask-Guy typically means that you trade places when it comes to Plan, Pick-up and Pay.

He still needs to treat you well; he still needs to be a gentleman - and that includes opening doors for you.  But this time he'll be opening the driver's side door instead of the passenger side.

You're still a girl, and he's still a guy, so the regular date protocols don't change.

If you can't drive in heels, don't wear heels.  Either switch your shoes out when you drive or go in shoes you can drive in.

Or get someone else to drive. 

Remember, if you're still a youth then this, even though it's formal, needs to be a Group Date.  Perhaps one of the other girls in your group will be more comfortable driving.

Have fun!

- Bro Jo

What It Can Mean When You're Confused

Dear Bro Jo;

I've thought a lot about emailing you in the past...but I never have. Maybe it's because I figured it out on my own. Or because I didn't want to bother you. Either way, I always talked myself out of it.

But now however.... well I want the opinion of an impartial party. If you don't mind.

The story will be long, and if you make it to end, well you're awesome. You're awesome regardless. But I appreciate this so much. Thank you.

So, I am an ERM (early return missionary). I was honorably released for medical reasons after 6 days in the MTC. I got home August 6th. Since coming home I've found out who my friends are. Who I can count on and who I know will be there for me. It's been a long process, but I'm finally starting to be okay. And no, I will not be going back out. My answer from HF was to stay home. My answer was very specific..... that I need to stay home....so I could meet my husband. Meet, not marry. I still have a hard time accepting that, because I don't want to be that girl. But I digress.

Since coming home my best friend from before I left, well he and I got a lot closer. We went on a few dates. And I really like him. He got his patriarchal blessing a month or two ago, and ever since he's been having dreams of him and I getting sealed in the temple. And I went to the temple 2 weeks ago to do a session...and I had the same... inspiration I guess we'll call it. We finally talked about it a couple days ago...and we decided we wanna get married.

He leaves dec 2nd for boot camp. He's going to be a marine. Now I can wait through boot camp. 3 Months is going to be fine.

But, tonight I got into a major fight with my dad. He and I fight a lot. And by a lot I mean every other day. At least. And since coming home, I've been living with my parents to have some stability. Well this fight was a big one. I won't get into the details. But I was talking to my two incredibly good friends about it. Just venting about my dad. And one of them, we'll call her Jane, she is going to road trip to Provo to live with our friend... Jana (name changed). And Jane wants me to go with her. She wants to pick me up on the way, and we can go to Provo to live with Jana.

Jane thinks it's a great idea because it gets me away from my dad, and the people in my area who are still spreading rumors about why I came home. Jana thinks it's an incredible idea as well.

But this boy and I.... if I leave it'll probably be harder to maintain our relationship. And we probably won't get engaged or married.

I've prayed and thought about this a lot. But I just... I want another opinion.

Maybe I'm silly for asking.

But thanks for reading.

- Confused




Dear Confused,

If he's leaving in ten days for three months of Boot Camp ... I don't understand how your relationship would be in jeopardy...

He's certainly not going to be dating anyone while he's training, and when he gets leave he could just as easily visit you in one place as another.

But let me suggest this:  if you two are really talking about marriage, then I think the person whose opinion you should be asking is his.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

I have. And the only thing he'll say is "Do whatever makes you happy, I love you and just want you happy." Which is nice, but also not a legitimate answer.

- Confused




Dear Confused,

Yes it is.  It's the best answer.

You know, sometimes when we want someone to tell us what to do, the reality is that we know what to do and we just don't want to face it.

I think you're lucky that he's so supportive.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

I get what you're saying...but I don't know what to do.

- Confused




Dear Confused,

I don't understand why.  It seems pretty clear in what you've written to me.

But, as I say often, if you don't know what to do, that's often the Spirit telling you to do nothing. 

Yet.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

I'm glad it's clear to one of us. haha.

True.

I'll think and pray some more.

Thanks,

- Confused





Dear Confused,

Anytime.

Let me know what you come up with.

- Bro Jo

Should Girls Send Pictures to Missionaries?

Dear Bro Jo,

My older sister and I were sitting down just now writing to some of our missionary friends both guys & girls, and we got into a bit of an argument.

She had printed off pictures of herself and wanted to send them with the letters. I don't think that it is the right thing to send pictures of yourself to missionaries, but she thinks that its ok. What is your take?

As a bit of a back story, my sister was keen on this one guy before he went on his mission, and there were some rumors circulating that he liked her as well, but he never said so to her, and she never told him that she liked him.

Well, this is the guy that she wants to send the pictures to. I think it would be too distracting, knowing that he may have liked her, and I voiced this opinion. She actually got very upset with me when I said so. My sister is also incredibly good looking (I'm not just saying that… a lot of other people have said it too) so I don't think that helps her case either.

What do you think?

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

When we suggest to someone that they're doing something wrong they only get upset if deep down they know (or fear) that we're right.

Think about that.

It's true every time.

Now, to the question:  should a girl send pictures of herself to a missionary?

I think that depends a little on the pictures . . . and the Jo Boys have all said that they'd like to get A picture from "certain" girls while they're out - so long as they're modestly attired.

But Sister Jo is adamant that any picture would be a distraction, and let's face it, that's kind of the point, isn't it?

- Bro Jo

When a Missionary is TOO Friendly - Facebook Comments

[Dear Readers,

I originally received yesterday's email many years ago so finding the post on the Facebook page would take you a very long time.  To make life a little easier for those that are interested I've posted those comments (anonymously) here below.

Best,

- Bro Jo]



KH - Creepy! It reminds me of an elder I served with that wanted to see me after he was off his mission. He stalked me during my mission. He is most certainly violating a few rules!


ZH - Sounds kind of weird to me...


RR - Missionaries always develop a tight bond with whom they teach and also who they see the light or "Jesus Christ" in someone’s life. I do think that it is going a bit over board giving someone their nametag. To me it's a token of the appreciation that each missionary has to serve the Lord because it bears the name JESUS CHRIST in capital letters as our churches logo permits and when they wear it, it is always with them. I'm not sure if it's violating a rule I mean it sounds like to me giving away your class ring and never seeing it again! But this no, is much more important. I think that you should just mail it back in a package to the mission office and return it to the missionary. That is certainly distracting while serving a mission. But at least you have admirers  ;)


AL - Agreed. Super weird. I'm sure he wanted to do something that would be meaningful, but definitely not appropriate for someone who has dedicated himself to consecrating all of his time and energy to serving the Lord. Hopefully someone will talk to him.


GW - That is pretty creepy


CS - I've had some pretty unsettling experiences with missionaries. One in particular was asking me where I'd be after he was done and if I was dating anyone and how young would be too young for me to get married. He was always staring at me creepily and would "just happen to be where I was" at odd times.

Anyway, I actually wrote a note to his companion, who was much cooler and more with it. And I was like "Since I'm not a missionary I don't know what your rules are exactly or if this is really a big deal, but this guy makes me really uncomfy and I feel like I need to dress down for church and only wear big t-shirts and stuff. Maybe I'm overreacting, but it's just the way I feel."

His companion told me it wasn't unfounded and he showed my note to his mission pres who transferred the elder immediately.

But if this guy is already getting transferred, then I don't think it's really an issue anymore. It's not like he can get sent home for that.Manage


JP - My family has always been a favorite with the elders in our ward, and we've gotten a lot of parting gifts, usually pictures; however, a name tag given to a single sister is a bit too far


LM - I think its super sweet, but definitely a little far.


LJ - If a missionary is that close to a YSA sister, even if he's not technically breaking any rules, it sounds a lot like he's violating the spirit of the law. I find it creepy and at least a little inappropriate.

When a Missionary is TOO Friendly

Dear Bro Jo,

I am a college student living very far from home and I attend Church on my own.

Oftentimes the missionaries would be teaching investigators that were young women and would ask for my assistance and the lessons would always go extremely well and the spirit was always present.

In fact, one young girl that we have been teaching is getting baptized next month.

Transfers are tomorrow however and one of the missionaries that I was working with gave me his name tag.

I'm not sure what this means and was wondering if you could enlighten me.

Sincerely,

- Confused




Dear Confused,

I haven't heard of the name-tag give-away before . . . my guess is that he wants you to remember him.  If I'm right, then this "supposed-to-not-be-focusing-on-girls" missionary is bending, if not breaking, a few rules.

For one, Elders are not supposed to be meeting with women alone; neither are they supposed to be in any meeting where it's two Elders and two women - that's too much like a double date.

Two, they only get so many name tags (sometimes just one or two) and since they're always supposed to be wearing one, it doesn't seem right that they'd give it away.

I find the whole thing unsettling, and I wish you'd refused to take it.  Any chance I can talk you into giving it back?

Clearly the guy has a thing for you . . . and this whole name-tag thing . . . I find it more creepy than romantic.

Tell you what, I'll mention this on the Facebook page and see what the readers have to say (since it will likely be months before your email posts in the column).

- Bro Jo




Dear Confused,

You know, the more I think about this, the more I think this missionary was going out of his way to spend an inappropriate amount of time with you . . . whether the Spirit was present or not.

And that's more than just a little unsettling.

Give the name tag to your Bishop and let him deal with it and this missionary.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

That’s an interesting perspective - thanks!

I think its really a good thing he is being transferred then, I’d really like for him to be able to focus. He is done in four months though and if things do work out, I'd really want him to have served an honorable mission.

And I have heard of missionaries giving their name tags to families or individuals they have baptized, but I don't know if this was anything similar.

- Confused




Dear Confused,

We "hear" of lots of stuff in the Church.  That doesn't mean that it's A) true, or B) a good idea.

I hope you saw the comments on this topic that were on the "Dear Bro Jo" Facebook page.


- Bro Jo



[Dear Readers,

I originally received this email many years ago so finding the post on the Facebook page would take you a very long time.  To make life a little easier for those that are interested I'll post those comments (anonymously) here on the blog page tomorrow.

Best,

- Bro Jo]

Staying Worthy Once Engaged - Part 2 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for your quick answer. My problem is that I constantly feel over-guilty. On my mission, I regularly talked with my mission president telling him how worried I was about my worthiness. Every time he said I had to exercise more faith in the atonement and be more forgiving with myself.

I'm anxious because I was afraid it would jeopardize our Temple worthiness and we would have to delay our wedding. I gonna be out of town until the wedding so I won't get to talk to the bishop.

I think I'm just gonna relax and trust my fiancé, her mother and what you said.

Thank you for your help

- Stressed




Dear Stressed,

No problem.

Look, if you've got a worthiness issue you haven't confessed, get it done.  Simply being out of town is not enough of a reason not to.  Trips can be delayed.  Bishops can be spoken to before we leave.  Or if we're going to be gone a few weeks we can have our records transferred and talk to the new Bishop.

If leaving town is the best way to keep yourself Temple Worthy and your hands off your fiance, then I'm in total agreement with that!  (Plus writing to each other, especially REGULAR LETTERS, can be as romantic as heck.)

All of that said, one should certainly pay attention when those closest are giving similar counsel.

Happy wedding!

- Bro Jo

Staying Temple Worthy Once Engaged - Part 1 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

I am a RM and getting married in 3 weeks to a wonderful LDS girl. We just met with our stake president who signed our temple recommend. My problem is that as we get closer to our wedding date, I am feeling more and more unworthy to go to the Temple. I've always had this problem. Even when I don't do anything wrong, I feel guilty and unworthy for no good reason.

I've been thinking about what I've done with my fiancé. We practiced a few times horizontal make out. It always lasted 5-10 seconds before we would realize what we were doing and we would stop. But I felt guilty because though we kept our clothes on, our genital parts were touching (but we had no desire to stimulate them).

My fiancé didn't think we needed to go see a Bishop but she talked about it with her mom who said it was fine. We just had to be more careful. My fiancé told me we were worthy and that I should simply trust her.

My worry is that I saw online people stating that horizontal making out should be confessed to a bishop. That scared me a lot knowing that we already have our temple recommend and are getting sealed in 3 weeks. If I knew that what I did was breaking the LoC, I wouldn't have done it. I'm kind of stressed out with all that.

Do you think I'm fine or should I contact my Bishop or my stake president?

Thank you,

- Stressed Out




Dear Stressed,

My general rule of thumb is that if you're worried about your Temple worthiness, go talk to your Bishop.  Always better to clear the air than to feel guilty.

For the record, I agree with her mom; you're fine, just be more careful.

It's a good thing that you're both attracted to and excited by each other.  That temptation will increase as the wedding day approaches.  Some couples find it wise to make sure their chaperoned, or never alone in the dark . . . or near a bed . . . whatever they need to do to "stay focused".

I'd be more worried if you were a teenager . . . or if you weren't worried at all.

Relax.

But Be Smart, too.

- Bro Jo

Some of the Most Amazing Girls Don't Get Asked Out

Dear Bro Jo,

I turned 16 about six months ago and I’m sure you hear this like you know, a lot- but I’ve yet to go on a real group date/ date where the guy actually asks you out on said group date. It might not be so bad if it weren't for the fact that yes, I'm a triplet, and yes, both of my sisters go out a lot.

I never really used to notice that guys only ever showed interest in my sisters until I turned sixteen and a  few months passed without anyone asking me out or showing interest in possibly entertaining the idea of a group date.

Once again, it might not be so bad except for the fact that one of my sisters is totally identical to me. I'm only saying this because I used to think guys didn't like me because I wasn't as pretty as my other sister who's fraternal. And yes I know, I need to think better of myself and all the stuff you hear about being beautiful on the inside, but it always seemed to me that even my identical sister was about a bazillion times more pretty than I ever was. And let's face it, people don't look at you and think, "Wow, doesn't she have a fantastic personality?" right off the bat. Society sort of sucks that way.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I'm starting to wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I'm a little shy I have to admit, and I do tend to stick my foot in my mouth, although no ones ever mentioned it to me before (not even my sisters so maybe that's all in my head). I'm a writer so i really can't articulate words verbally as well as i can on paper, or at least that's how i rationalize my lack of ability to carry some conversations. (i'm not an utter failure in that department, though i actually think advice on talking to other people would help a bunch)

So I guess any advice on anything that you see fit to give advice on would be really appreciated. I'm half torn between feeling bad about myself, and feeling a little jealous over my sisters which also feels stupid because they're my best friends and it's not their fault they go out on dates a lot.

So anyway, confusing rambling aside- I'd love to hear back from you and really love your blog. :)

Thanks,

- The Sister




Dear Sister,

Sometimes some of the most wonderful young women date little or not at all in High School.   Sister Jo was one of those.  If we'd gone to the same high school I would have asked her out every chance I got!

Worked out pretty well for me that those other guys didn't!

Don’t change who you are, but do realize that being confident, outgoing and even a little flirty can often improve one's dating requests.

And if you don’t get many dates ... just realize that doesn't mean you aren't awesome!

- Bro Jo

Would You Marry a Bad Kisser? - Part 4 of 4

Dear Confused,

I don't know how things ended up with you and the "bad kisser" you wrote me about, but I thought you might enjoy knowing that the emails we exchanges several years ago will post sometime in the next few weeks.

All the best,

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for letting me know! I completely forgot about this. I am now happily married to another man, and the kisser mentioned in my email is married as well to a girl he went to high school with.

No, it wasn't the "bad kissing" that lead to our breakup!

Ultimately I just prayed about it and felt we were both better off not being together. He's a great guy, just not for me.

Sincerely,

- No Longer Confused

Would You Marry a Bad Kisser? - Part 3 of 4

Dear Bro Jo,

It bothers me, but it doesn't bother him. And honestly, other than that, I would definitely say yes because he is a great guy. We probably just aren't experienced enough at kissing or something.

- Confused



Dear Confused,

So the reason you're not going to marry the man of your dreams is because he's a terrible kisser?

Like I said, I can see that as a deal breaker . . . but if he's that great at everything else, why not help him improve at this one thing?

Love is tough to find, and a great eternal companion a rare and valuable commodity.

What if he was a great kisser?  What if you told him how you feel about it?  How important it is to you?

What if you put forth some effort teaching him, helping him, to be great?

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

And yes I have seen that video before.

I hope kissing can be learned!

- Confused




Dear Confused,

Of course it can be learned!

Just takes Sincere Desire to Improve and Practice.

- Bro Jo





Dear Bro Jo,

If I could teach him and learn myself how to be a great kisser I would definitely marry him. Although I feel that's shallow of me to say. I think I'll talk to him. He decided to wait until the next time I see him to get my official decision about marrying him. Which could be a couple weeks from now, at least.

Thanks Bro Jo.

- Confused




Dear Confused,

You HAVE to talk to him.

Be Loving.  Be Honest.  And Be Fair.

Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen?  You both become better kissers???

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks Bro Jo, I will.

- Confused

Would You Marry a Bad Kisser? - Part 2 of 4

Dear Bro Jo,

I've never kissed anyone else, but my biggest reason for not liking kissing him is that it's wet. He has only kissed one other girl before, his ex-fiancé who dumped him for joining the Church and he didn't like kissing her either. So I'm not sure if we just don't like kissing at all, or if it's just that we don't like kissing each other.

- Confused




Dear Confused,

Does it bother either of you that you don't like kissing each other?

For me that would have been a deal breaker . . . but if you guys don't care . . .

And not all kissing is "wet", by the way. When I was kissing the "sloppy kissing" girl I felt like I needed a towel.  Not to be graphic, but to be clear, seriously . . . spit was everywhere.  Now, looking back, I'd just chalk that up to two young people having no idea what they were doing.

I mean . . . not everyone knows how to kiss . . .

Have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AWkjuHyDnI

It's a skill that can be learned.


- Bro Jo

Would You Marry a Bad Kisser? - Part 1 of 4

Dear Bro Jo,

It's been a while since I've emailed you, and you probably get a lot of emails. I wouldn't email if I wasn't sincerely confused about what to do.

This past summer I was dating a guy, but he decided he felt nothing so he told me so and he went his separate way. Unfortunately we were in the same ward so I saw him every Sunday at church. That would have been fine, except soon after he started dating another girl in the ward and I got jealous. I felt like he'd been seeing her all along and I accused him of this. However, that's not what happened at all. Anyway, the day I saw them together for the first time and started crying in Sacrament meeting, I prayed to God that he'd send me someone to be my best friend and help me through this. A few minutes after that I got a text from an old friend who I'd kind of crushed on for a while, before I even met the guy from this summer.

My old friend (lets call him Paul) started texting me all the time (because we were in two different states) and we hit it off. I ended up going down to Arizona to visit him for a week and a half before I had to go home to pack up to go back to Rexburg. While in Arizona we went on a few dates and went camping with some friends of his. It went well, but I decided I didn't like him well enough to date him or go any farther so I called things off. He drove me back home in Nevada and he stayed a night. We ended up cuddling on the couch, and then I made him leave when he said he needed to leave.

That semester we talked a lot, but I told him there was no chance of us working out and he agreed so we were just friends, until I texted him on the 22nd of December. I decided I could see us possibly working out so we started talking about getting married. When I told my parents they were happy for me. They said they were surprised we weren't dating before, because we seemed so close and comfortable with each other. When I talked to Paul he said that after he left my place back in September he pulled off the side of the road on the way home and cried because he thought he'd lost me for good.

Two days ago he came to visit again, this time with the intent to propose marriage to me. I was excited to see him and I thought I was going to say yes. I loved being with him and spending time with him, but I was praying while we were driving up the temple that I'd know what to say and when we got there (and on the way there) I felt like I couldn't say yes. So, I told him so and we came home and talked on the way home and everything. The next day, I tried staying away from him as much as possible but he didn't make it easy. Finally I took him to the mall and we went shopping. He tried to pay for a bracelet I wanted, but he couldn't find his money before I could pull out my debit card.

When we stopped at the food court to eat he paid, even though he had very little money. We went back to my place and watched Despicable Me with my brothers. I was shivering on the couch, so he wrapped his coat around me and wrapped his arms around me so that I would warm up.

Paul is a great guy, he's active in the church, he has had a tough time with his family but he's always there for his friends. He is amazing. I love him, but something keeps holding me back. My mom thinks I should just make the jump. I know he still loves me and that he'd take me back in a second (and probably insist we get married right away, since I keep changing my mind). But I need to know it's right, and although I feel comfortable cuddling with him I don't like kissing him and he has admitted he doesn't like kissing either. I thought you're supposed to like kissing the person you marry.

I am sincerely confused and I hoped that maybe you could clear things up for me.

Sincerely,

- Confused




Dear Confused,

I'm confused, too!

Before I go on a tirade about how you don't deserve this guy, and say things like "you may be making a terrible mistake" . . . why don't you like kissing him?

I'm thinking back to girls I've kissed, and the ones I didn't like kissing . . . (chapped lip girl, bad breath girl, sloppy girl, too aggressive girl . . . ) so I can understand that there are reasons; I think you need to know what those are.

And I can't imagine anyone marrying someone that they don't like kissing and that doesn't like kissing them . . . but that may be because for me kissing is a big deal.

Is it that you guys don't like kissing Each Other?  Or is it that you don't like kissing anyone?

- Bro Jo