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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

In Your Dreams - Part 2

[ Dear Readers,

Below is a followup to a column that I posted on December 21st, 2012.

- Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,

Yes, "Jake" is an alias.

Well, that sure wasn't the answer I was hoping for. If you don't mind me asking, is there a Doctrine that says girls shouldn't ask guys on dates? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be obnoxious, it's just I thought I've prayed about this and I honestly thought that asking him on a date was the best thing. It's possible it's just the answer I'm hoping for and it's really not the right thing.

I have apologized several times. One really good time when we talked for like about 30 minutes and the other times were brushed off by him. I've never brought goodies or a card, though.

Now Im just confused...I was so sure I was on the right track here. I don't want to be embarrassed or shut down. Is this really so wrong for me to ask Jake on a date?? :/



Dear NW,

I don't mind you asking. I think it's a fair question.

No, I don't think it's in the scriptures anywhere. Girls not asking guys on dates is my opinion. I'm sure lot's of people share that opinion (Sister Jo among them), but I've also gotten a ton of mail from people who disagree with me. Of course all of that mail is either from girls who've asked guys out (or want to) and want to justify why they did it . . . or from guys who exemplify why I tell girls not to do it. Both of those just make me think I'm more and more correct.

Since you've already apologized ("several times") then your response to my response gets us closer to the real issue.

Multiple apologies for the same thing IS obnoxious.

And annoying.

But you keep doing it.

And now you're hoping someone (in this case, me) will give you the green light to ask him on a date.


First of all, that tells me that yes, you're praying to confirm your desire, not to discover the will of God.

Secondly, put all together it washes away the whole "I want to be his friend again and mend what I did wrong" logic.

You like this guy.

A lot.

And he won't ask you on a date.

Or dance with you.

You've used this past incident as an excuse to talk to him, meet his mom, whatever so you can hopefully . . . what? . . . help him see that you're the girl of his dreams and he should be your boyfriend?

I played that game once.

I pursued a girl (honestly mostly for sport and entertainment - cut me some slack, though, I was 13) and when she rejected me I acted all hurt and shy . . . which totally worked. And then she changed her mind and chased me for about four months. It became so sad and desperate and obnoxious.

That's what I'm trying to explain to you girls. It may not be "doctrine", but it does happen to be the facts of human behavior:

1. Good Guys like to chase girls, at least a little

2. They think that the girls who do the chasing are desperate and / or easy (even if it's not true, and let's face it - it usually is - that's what they think)

3. Guys who say they like to be chased aren't Good, and they like to be chased for the same reason as in number 2 - they think the girls chasing them are desperate and / or easy and it allows them to be lazy.

If you want him to like you, if you want him to date you, if you want him to realize that you're worth chasing, catching, and asking out (and I'm sure you're all of that) then you need to give him reasons to go after you.

And by asking a guy out your telling him you're not worth the effort. At least that's how he'll see it.

And any guy that tells you I'm wrong on this is, frankly, either a liar, someone who's trying to get you or some other girl to ask them out, or both.

1. Stop trying so hard.

2. Realize you're wonderful and your value comes from God, not Guys.

3. Give him reasons to aspire to be your date.

4. Don't put all of your dating eggs in this one basket. Lots of guys out there for you to be dating.

No more apologies to this guy. Once is enough.

Flirt. Be nice. Be fun to talk to.

But let him chase you.

Now, I'd like to say one more thing about Personal Revelation:  what the scriptures DO teach is that one way that we know that the revelations we receive are God's Will and not Our Will is that it's God's Will that we help others, not ourselves.  While the Holy Ghost can and does give us comfort, even those things which we learn that will help us that come from God will be unselfish.

Just something to consider.

- Bro Jo

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