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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Dating Before the Divorce is Final

Hello Bro Jo,

I have been in the Church for 2 and half years now.

I'm 26 years old and have three beautiful daughters.

I would not have gone through with the break up if my wife as she was cheating on me with my step cousin, while I was in hospital back in (date withheld).

She is still with him.

I am going through court to get full custody for my girls as she tried to stop me seeing me after she receive my divorce letter.

By now have to put my divorce on hold as I'm going through courts for the children.

Last night I went on a date to the cinemas but Bishop said I can't date until I'm divorced.

And that could take about 7-8 months.

The date was a non-member but I told her that I was in the Church and that I'm still married, and could not do anything until I'm divorce and remarried.

She was okay-ish with it.

My question is: am I allowed to date as long as I follow the law of chastity?

I do have the full support for the Church and my faith has grown since the break-up.

I know that I have a good relationship with Heavenly Father.

Hope you can help me and hope it makes sense as I have dyslexia.

Best Regards,

- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

I don't know about "allowed to date"; if you have questions about what your Bishop said, you should ask him.

It does look bad, though. I know she’s dating and . . . whatever else, but your job here is to take the moral high ground; to be the better person.

You are after all, technically still married. In that way, dating is wrong, whether she’s doing it or not. It sucks, I know.  Doing the Right Thing isn't always easy or fair.  Her sinful behavior (dating someone else while still married) does not give you permission to do the same.

It has nothing to do with the Law of Chastity. (I do commend you for remaining chaste, though.) 

I do think, in terms of a man seeking custody, or even visitation rights, of his children that it's better in the eyes of most courts if he doesn't date. At least not until after the divorce is finalized. 

Hey, like it or not, when it comes to Divorce and Custody of Children, guys have a much more difficult path. Right or wrong, that's just the way it is.

Trust your Bishop. 

- Bro Jo

PS:  I understand that it's only being a Soon to Be Divorced Guy, but I think you're wasting your time dating any women who aren't members of the Church.  This is going to be tough enough on your kids; best that you spend your time with women who can support and share your faith.


Frank Pellett said...

From someone who has been there, better still to not date til well after the divorce is final. Though single parenting is a hard row to hoe, you are going to need time to learn how to be on your own again before you are ready to introduce another person into the family.

You're no longer a teenager, dating just for yourself. You're now a father, so dating will be toward finding someone that will be a part of your whole family. Best to do this in the proper order, at the least so you can show your daughters how an adult is supposed to handle going through a divorce.

Anonymous said...

An old friend of mine's parents went through such a thing, but by using the "but [soon-to-be-ex-wife] is doing it, and we're practically divorced anyways" logic, it just escalated on both sides until there was massive drama that seeped into the entire ward as people were forced to choose sides (people who tried to stay neutral and out of it, like my family, were only targeted more by the soon-to-be-ex-wife). Everything from vicious backbiting to harassment of friends on the "wrong side" of the breakup to manipulation of the kids to dangerous "pranks" (like tacks in pillowsheets). It was downright psychotic, and hopefully your divorce won't be as nasty as theirs, but it started off much like yours. She cheated, and stuck with the other guy. He wanted to keep the kids, but lost the custody battle for all but their youngest pretty much because of the "dad prejudice" and essentially because he started dating someone too(even though it was long after the divorce process started). And he only won the son because the mother didn't want him (the child has Asperger's).
Point being, the divorce might get messy, and dating (no matter who started it, no matter how happy you are, how serious it is, etc) can worsen that a lot, especially in a custody battle. Yeah, you want someone "there for you" now more than ever, but that's not what your girls need. It's hard enough adjusting to having only one original parent there without adding in a "maybe future parent". SO, Rules:
1. Be civil, cordial, no matter what.
2. Wait to date. Period.
3. Make the Gospel a dramatically bigger part of your life (just for the sake of comfort and sanity).

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I hope that women who play the court system against men will one day be held accountable and punished by the Lord in the day of judgment for what they did.

I hope you get to at least visit your children.